A look at A Though and Backchat

Apr 12th 2011


So I just placed myself in a position of believing myself to be the backchat and could observe what was going on. I had a thought of allowing the voice to again reappear that was `psychosis` and within that there was a fear, to which I smiled and realized that I could use that to move out of the fear. But all of this was irrelevant, what is interesting is that I created the thought and the fear to play off of eachother, and believing myself to be the fear and the thought was the point to which I allowed it to exist.

So I thought the thought, felt the fear, looked at that and laughed, and then thought that I could use the voice to move past the fear, and then realized that I participated in both the thought and the fear and allowed it to play off of eachother allowing the backchat to continue. I am not the backchat. The backchat can only run with me believing it is me and participating in it. So I felt a fear and thought that that fear was me, like the thought had control of me and then became fearful. I realized that the fear was not me and only a reaction to the thought, that I was allowing to play off of eachother. One backchat led to the next and then I allowed myself to continue it through believing that one aspect was me, man this whole thought process is fucked, it is playing different roles, continuously taking on different roles to play out a movie that I am creating as myself, and through believing that the one aspect was me I gave into allowing the backchat to exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow backchatting to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the voice within the head

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fear

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a movei as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move I as a movie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play, to create a play that is supposedly me within thoughts/backchat.

I am not these thoughts, I am not the backchat.

I am sorry that I cannot word this better. I was looking at the experience and was having trouble wording it.

It was me playing on the thought with the fear believing myself to be the fear and thus I believed myself to only be the entity of fear, and that the thought was more then me as being the fear, to this I thought that I could use the fear as me as the mind and thoughts to `solve` the fear. I then stepped back and took a moment of looking at the playout of that and saw that I was believing myself to be the fear, I realized that through believing myself to be the fear that I was allowing myself to playout the scenario/scene of the movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thoughts are real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the scenes that I create within thoughts are real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts within the scenario

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a scenario

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a reaction

I cannot word it better because IIII cannot word it better, it is me who cannot understand it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand myself

I believed that I was the reaction of fear, thus allowing myself to participate in the playout of the thought process/pattern

I purposely participated in the thoughts, allowing it to continue with a reaction/pushback of the thought, not allowing it to pass through me standing as myself unwavered, I wavered through believing myself to be that fear and within wavering I played with the thought process combating it thus allowing it to combat back through my acceptance of the combat.

As well I have many times participated within the thought I am not that, believing myself to thus be the thought that thought `I am not that` thus allowing the combat to take place through fighting with myself within my mind thus believing myself to be an aspect of the mind, which is just not true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself within the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here through believing that I am a thought within the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to combat with myself instead of stopping myself within the mind