Not being Here.

Here I am in breath. While I am not here I am thinking about some situation or possibility or what if or outcome or what to eat all in contexts of what is not here at the moment meaning It is not in my direct reality and I cannot physically participate with it.

I had an experience of not being here at work today and it is a vivid one, meaning I experience myself not here quite frequently with participating in thoughts of what ifs and speculation etc etc, yet this one was a bit more `interesting`.

I was working and at my job it is VERY systematic as is most jobs in this world, so once we get used to it we can basically go through our jobs blindfolded and deaf. I was low as well, meaning blood sugar low and when this happens I have noticed I participate much more in thoughts or negativity, and I cannot establish myself as effectively in the physical.

I pick cases at a warehouse on put them on skids, so I was moving from my machine to the slot and putting it on the skid and this entire movement I had no awareness of. Meaning I was not able to place it as myself I was not in the physical doing this action it was systematic it was automatic. I got back to my machine and was about to pick up another case and I saw that I had no memory of moving from the machine and picking up that last case and putting on the skid. I was not here in the physical at all I was not here I was completely not here I didn’t even remember the sights that I saw while doing that action which I am usually able to do, my senses were shut off to me, If someone asked me exactly what happened in that moment I could not tell them truth I could only relate to past experiences.  

Looking at this it is very dangerous to participate in reality like this yet we all do as we are all constantly thinking about what ifs, or speculating, or thinking about what they will do in the future = programming ourselves, or thinking about memories etc etc, Most of the time we are not here in the physical. Most of the time we humans are not aware of the physical, aware of our physical actions, aware of our physical breath, aware of our hearing or sight or anything that is PHYSICAL.

This is how FUCKED the mind is. It is not a benevolent placement of the human, it is devious as hell and separate from the physical though/as thinking thus we are not able to be here with the physical with our true selves, and since we are separate from our true selves, we believe that the mind is us, that thoughts are us, when in reality we are HERE in the physical in breath, in/as our senses. For an experiment go through your day and see how many things you have not heard the entire time = electrical noises, or birds, or cars, mostly ambient noises, and then realize that they were always making that sound, YOU were just not HEREing, so where were you? Then look at the thoughts and if they have any relevancy to Reality = what is here = what we can physically participate with in the moment HERE.

This is what desteni has shown me and many others, but in essence they showed me the opportunity and the fact that I had the ability to see, in essence I saw, desteni showed me the tools on how to allow myself to see. Desteni showed us that we are not here and to take our power back = our RESPONSEability = we must be here to respond correctly, or else we are only responding within/as a system = a pre-programmed automatic response. Our responsibility is our ability to respond through being here  and through taking our ability to respond back to us through being HERE we are taking our power back as ourselves = we are taking our power back from the systems that WE have ACCEPTED giving it up to.

This is what being a destonian is about. It is about taking our responseability of/as ourselves and responding with what is best for all so that we may bring about what is best for all. Being able to see what is best for all is a simple accumulation process of 1+1+1, looking at the consequence of each action that we participate in and what will be the side effects as well.

So no more speculation about what/how desteni is operating, it is out in the open it is for all to see, yet the irony is that you must allow yourself to see reality which through/as the mind you cannot as the mind is not in reality, it is in a sphere or a delusion self created reality, where as REALality is not SELF created it is created by ALL as self, it is a accumulation of all of us to make ONE reality. Stand up to see your true self, forgive yourself for all that we are holding onto as a collective community (the world) let it all go so that we may see what is here, let ourselves unconditionally go from the mind as we are the only ones who are enslaving ourselves.  Join Desteni, share and start investigating yourself at http://desteni.co.za – it is time to stop the mind so that we can get ourselves back to reality where we BREATHE, not think.

An example of Consequence and Effect

At work today 2 people started `warring against eachother`. We play around at times at work to make each other laugh and establish workplace relationships so sometimes shit happens. It started off with a guy throwing a box of rice at another and causing him to almost crash his machine, supposedly, I understand this perspective. So the guy who got hit by rice ended up throwing a cookie at the other guy and it hitting him in the nuts. The guy who got hit by rice took the incident quite seriously and thought that by hitting the other in the nuts made him furious so he then too reacted in anger.

 At break, he was furious, he was exploding with violent words etc and scheming to get the guy back. After he vented for a bit I told him the best thing to do it to simply let it go. He said he wouldn’t. He was giving excuses on how his family is vengeful and how he thus must be like them and get his vengeance (this is paraphrasing). Each time he would come around I would continue with telling him to just let it go, calm down, breathe. He again continued with excuses and other shit, and at a point he was continuing with `it’s in my genes` type of deal, and I told him let it go, he replied with I can’t. I said yes you can, he said `it’s in my genes` etc etc, in this point I saw him for what he was accepting and allowing so I said yes you can you just don’t want to. He then smiled at me and told me to shut up in a manner of bubbliness lets call it. That is a cool point as in this moment he was honest with himself through knowing it and just not wanting to admit it so I got him in a way to admit that he just didn’t want to let it go, which I find cool as I have seen this before. I laughed in that moment like` hahah I caught you` and we both knew it.

There was a point where the guy he was pissed off at had his skids at the wrapping machine, and they were tall skids according to the angered person. He said he wanted to push them over yet had a second thought about it with `What would Paul say?` He then saw me working in the aisles and he decided against it which I found Awesome.

Through standing firm on my position of him letting it go and telling him to let it go whenever he would rant to me it had an affect on him. I did not accept his bullshit of anger and revenge, I told him continually to let it go and I stood on that point and repeated it not giving my acceptance of vengeance or revenge.

We can all have this affect on people through standing as the principle of doing what is best for all, we simply need to incorporate/live it into our lives, and soon enough it will have an affect. It would not have been as easy if I were to give any way to his vengeance like saying `fine do whatever you’re going to do just understand there will be consequences` = I allowed myself to give no opportunity to the idea of revenge, told him continuously to let it go and that had an affect = if I were to give way at any point he could have used that to justify himself for doing something quite possible stupid as a supervisor may have seen it and then get him in trouble, and as well the relationship between him and the other would have gone `sour` as we were all cool hanging out at break before this.

Pop Your Bubble with Breath

With thoughts running around I have one has a closed mind. With breath the mind is open, with breath one is able to consider all as one is able to hear. I have started to have this problem with watching videos, I could not seem to get it on track, I could not seem to figure out what was going on. I have started to not be able to hear videos, I could not hear words, and that was because I have been caught up in my mind with thoughts not breathing not placing myself within breath and hearing the words. Within breath I am `opening up my mind`, my mind is open within breath, through breathing. I am stopping myself from closing my mind which is thoughts, which is the entire act of thinking within breathing. Within breathing I am able to hear the words,
listen to the words and place them as me and to an extent live them, live them through creating a reference within myself to which I can relate.

When thinking during watching a video I close myself off. I cannot hear to words, I cannot put them into context, and I cannot apply them to myself. So thoughts actually close ones mind off from reality, where as breathing brings you back to reality. Being stable within breath will allow one to effectively direct oneself within reality as within breath one is able to place oneself within reality…take in reality and move through it as themselves. Whereas thinking one closes oneself off from reality. I have experienced many times when walking or travelling myself thinking heavily and in a moment I will breathe and say  “holy shit how did I get here” or simply realize I am here, but there would be no recognition of the path I travelled only of the thoughts that I participated in, and even then I cannot remember many of the thoughts as I was not here within reality, I was not coherent, I was simply allowing a system to run me and that system is the Mind Consciousness system in which thoughts derive from with the assistance of me participating it, giving it value and worth.

So breathing helps place one in reality, breathing allows one to take in reality and move through it. Thinking closes oneself off from the world…it is like filtering bubbles, where it takes into context all of your past searches on a search engine, and makes your searches relevant to the past information that you have typed in or looked at = it blocks one off from reality, and what one types into search engines is within the mind, it is ones interests, it is self-interests and that’s what thoughts are as well and therefore they block on off from reality as well.

Stopping thoughts allows one to take in reality, thinking creates a bubble of self-interest.

Lack of Fear Creates Enjoyment

Apr 7th 2011


Today at work I was working with the fear of time constraints, within the fear of being fired, fear of not having money and then the fear of death. The starting point here is fear of death then it grows outwards. During work I usually fear not being able to get done on time, within this I fear being incompetent, thus I then fear being fired, not having enough money and then dieing through lack of money. So today I was moving within/as these fears, when I realized I was doing this IS topped and moved myself for/as myself not caring whether or not I get the work done and removing that fear. I noticed that when I stopped this fear I starting moving a hell of a lot slower and started to breathe more, I became relaxed, my voice changed, my tone of voice changed, and all together myself changed. I relaxed myself and enjoyed myself. There was still backchatting going on, but it was not as hard to stop, as in work previously moving myself quickly trying to get everything done, I have eextensive backchat and I do not stop as I physically do not stop. I was able to stop the backchatting easier and I did not become frustrated with still backchatting. I slowed myself down entirely, and I did not get all of my work done. A starting point within this is asking to be cut. When I started I said if hours need to be cut I would not mind going home early, and within this I had no fear of losing money, I purposely placed myself within it. When I get cut I usually rush again and harder trying to still get everything done knowing that it simply is not possible. So I am going to apply this again tomorrow and stop the backchatting entirely. One way that I have found this helps is to fell the physical, is to purpose feel the physical placing myself on holding the broom, or mop handle and allowing myself to feel the movements. I enjoy the movements as I create them and I enjoy the flow that I can create with the mop. So there is a point that I can enjoy within work so I am going to place myself within that tomorrow and see how that goes, I am going to remove all fears, and am going to notice my backchat more and stop it placing myself within the physical and breathing. So I mean the interesting thing here is the fact that I went slow. I am intrigued by this. Because it is an expression of me. When I do not fear I slow down extensively. In everything that I do. When I was skateboarding today I met up with friends that I have consistently felt inferior to and within this I was rushing trying to run from the fear lol. So I realized this and placed myself as myself and enjoyed the movement more, yet I still accepted the inferiority and quickly again fell into that fear thus again attempting to run from it by pushing myself to skate `harder` same point within work, instead of facing the fear I push myself harder physically to escape the fear. As well I do not try `hard` tricks that I cannot land consistently, I like to do many tricks that I can land consistently to keep that flow `alive`. It is a lot more enjoyable that way because I can continue in motion instead of trying to trick and failing 5 out of 10 tries to which I then have to start the motion all over again. I enjoy keeping the motion alive and then trying a difficult trick eventually, not just jumping right into the difficultness. So yes I `fell`. I learned from it and I am going to skateboard for MY enjoyment, as I was skateboarding today I was doing tricks to be noticed as `skillful` rather than doing it for my own enjoyment of the activity. So simply I am going to skate for my enjoyment, not to be noticed as good or bad, Ah as well I noticed that I judged myself extensively while skateboarding in public, degrading myself for not landing a trick, so that other people will see me get frustrated and think that not landing the trick was acceptable through my frustration which I laugh at now. :) because it is ridiculous. I noticed that that is a main poijt for my while skateboarding which is doing it for attention :))) Quest to be seen = Quessy. So again my enjoyment does exist in this yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy myself and that is what I am going to place myself in doing in skateboarding from now on.

So In an equal money system People will simply Enjoy work!!! as there will be no fear

A Deeper look at Working and Awareness within

Mar 14th 2011 3:30am


I got off of work and I am here with my body and I am quite exhausted. I am breathing and my physical needs rest. So I am here resting, sitting down and watching half assedly a movie, as I am now more attentive to the writing. So this is what I have been allowing myself to do. My breathing within work was ok for the first bit, well not my breathing but my lack of thought., it was non-existent for the first 2-3 hours then I fell into thoughts as I was placing myself within music and ego projections and backchatting. So after that I am now a bit physically exhausted. Now I do do a lot of physical work within that job, so I mean, I can get exhausted…I am not tired sleep wise, I just need physical rest. This is interesting because sometimes I feel like this from my other job and then I will push myself to keep going and go to the library and not allow my physical to rest, as there is not really a comfortable place at the library to rest. There is a lot of lifting within the job that I came from, my arms are tired as well as my legs as I move constantly for 5 hours, and then within my next job I will be constantly moving for 4 hours, constantly standing on my feet. This is a terrible way to make a living, terrible way to live…either we are sitting at a desk for the day or are on our feet for a day, each is not helping the human physical body, this world is created to place stress on every individual so that we exist in that state of stress only worrying about our own life not allowing ourselves to consider all life on this planet, this is from what I have experienced. So Stress is something that needs to be moved past by everyone, and most of this stress is fear of death, fear of loss, fear of survival, in which I have realized does not matter, because it is either going to happen or not, this fear has no use within life, it is only a fucked up point, I mean I can fear losing my job all I want it is not going to change the fact of me losing it or keeping it, therefore fear is purposeless, it is irrelevant to reality, fear does not exist within reality.

Anyways I placed myself within music and not within the physical within breath, so yes music is a distraction point from facing myself within work. I was looking at why I want to distract myself from work, and I came to a point of not wanting to face the fact that I have to work/ do that job to survive, that what I am doing has been valued….now that I look at it it angers me. The value is all placed on looks, on some fucking design, some type of deception….I have to front face at work, and this I really want to escape within because it is so pointless as it is only for a look, it is for the store to look for hiding the empty space behind it, and this is valued within society enough to give money to me for doing it, and I am actually valued less than this point…I as life in this fucking world am valued less than a deceptive point of a look. Meanign that if I do not do this I do not get money, I am not able to support myself thus I am valued less, because in order for me to survive, in order for me to keep living I must do some basic dumb fucking task to get money. The task is valued as money, not me. That is disgusting! The task gets value attributed to it, not me. I must perform the task, and if I do not I get fired and thus no money, no life. I am one and equal to/as the task I realize this yes, it is not separate from me, but the point still remains that if I do not do this task my life is not supported, I must support this task to support myself, and the fact still remains as well that this task is all about a look, that a look that I can create is valued more than myself as breath as without myself doing this task I am not supported as life within/through money. The look, the task has a value to it, as the company values the look, not the life creating the look.

Remebering Breath

Mar 10th 10:21pm


Remembering breath

So hw do I remember that I am breathing. How do I realize myself breathing in each moment. So When I lose recognition of myself breathing I am thinking about what to do. I lose sight of the natural breath. I just lost sight there, and it I am not directive in that moment. I access my mind and look for something that will stimulate it. So no I do not create breath, I am not responsible for it, but I am responsible for myself within breathing, I create myself within breathing, through breathing. So in that moment I was accessing myself within the mind and looking for a stimulation point, and these stimulation points are what I distract myself from breathing within. Interesting that when I distract myself I am not aware of myself distracting myself. Only until I do not get any stimulation do I come out of the possession. When I cannot find what I am looking for I stop the search. Ok cool so searching is always outside of self, and I will constantly look outside of myself for stimulation until I do not find it. Why does the outside stimulate, where did I learn to stimulate myself through separation? Why does stimulation occur in separation. Why are we not stimulated by breath. Simply because it is all mind and mind was created in separation so it is kept itself alive within separation as separation allows it to continue, it deviloped a way to keep itself stimulated to keep it going. So I place myself within myself without stimulation and I become awake. I become much more awake that I have been in the previous moment. So obviously stimulation keeps the mind active and `awake`. So if All of this is through/as the mind where and how am I? I am here within/as the body within/as breath. I am here infinitely. A mind is only a distraction point, a point that I do not realize the traction I have here within the physical. It keeps me distracted from my self here. So I am the traction here within/as the physical. I am here within/as the physical. The mind is all an illusion. I use it and keep it going to delude me from being here as the physical. I dis-tract myself from the physical traction, which is the feeling, the touch t-ouch that I am. Breath is when I realize that I am feeling, that I am touching in every moment, and in every moment I am breathing, and only when I think, use my mind do I forget, dis-tract myself from here.

DUHHHHHH

Mar 10th 2011 2:57pm


At work again I `lost` myself not realizing myself being here. I `lost` myself within my mind and thinking. Simply this was a fault within me. I through the assistance of Marlen realized that I have been forcing breath on myself…forcing myself to breath, beleivng this to be a correct way of applying myself within breath…that is neat. The words within breath, I have took literally, to place myself within breath. I did not look at reality that I am always breathing, I do not need to place myself within breath, or be breath as I am already and always have been breathing. An expression of DUHHHH occurs within me when realizing this…it has always been infront of my face, but I did not see it.

So now I have a different applicaton and realization of breath, so I am going to apply this within work as I have not been able to move past this `forgetfulness` of breath within work as I have used the words…I have forgotten to breath….when really I forgot that I was breathing.

Thank you Marlen

Looking for Stimulation within energy

Feb 23rd 2011 4:15pm


I m wrting here with nothing to write about, know ideas of what to write just myself and the computer and movement. I do not know what to write about, I have no certainty, so I must decide. There has not been anything about myself that is worth writing about. I did not nap today, I have been losing myself in backchatting while at work. I have been reading a introduction to politics book, that I did not return to my highschool. I have been breathing differently.

The breath that I am using, is one that is quick and strong and shallow. I am using this to stop my my thoughts and focus on myself as breath. Instead of using the same pattern of breathing, I have been using this type of breath and it has been working quite effectively and I am enjoying myself within/as it. I was ignoring my thoughts using this breath at first, but I have been using it to stop them and move past them. What would happen is backchatting is I would know that a thought is coming up or a judgment or whatever and I would breathe but not stop the thought, I would still allow it to pass, within this breath I find it easier to focus on myself as breath and within breath and not focus on myself within the mind stopping myelf within the mind. Stopping myself within the mind means placing myself within the physical. I have been doing it differently - stopping myself while still being in the mind. Stopping myself within the mind and not stopping my participation within the mind. I stopped myself within the mind out of fear. A good example of this was while I was at work a while ago I was fighting with yawning, I felt it coming and wanted to stop it I was fighting with it and it came further and I had to completely stop myself physically, it was a robot shutting down, just stopping within one moment everything, freezing myself. I stopped the yawn then and there and then continued my work. I did not stop myself from participating in the mind, I stopped the mind as me. I was fearing yawning in that moment. I did not place myself in the physical as breath, I just stopped like a fucking robot. Stopping the mind will not do anything, as I power it, I must stop myself from participating within the mind. I am not the mind so stopping myself within the mind is only temporary, obviously when I do that I `shut down` and when I place myself in the physical I start becoming aware of my breath and my presence here.



Feb 23rd 2011 4:34pm

I realized that I was participating in energetics. I noticed that I was watching skateboarding videos and not focusing on myself or reading desteni material or watching videos or doing something productive. I was within an energy of `hyperness` and I was not placing myself here within that or stopping myself within that. I calmed myself down and allowed myself to place myself here. And within this I am much more directive. I am not directed by the energy in which I would have been watching or looking for something to `stimulate` me. I noticed this only when it came to a point where I did not know where to go. I have been to all of the sites that I usually go to for skateboarding `news` and was still feeling antsy, I was thinking about playing a video game and applying myself in that direction and decided against it, I then thought…`where do I place myself then`? Meaning where do I place myself with all of the energy that I am within right now. Within that moment I realized that I was participating in energy and this was limiting me from writing myself out effectively as writing does not `stimulate` me. I slowed myself down with a slower breath. So I used energy within breath and slowed myself down and removed it with breath. It is aswell as an `awareness` of myself here. I placed myself here instead of within the energy looking for something to stimulate myself with within that energy. I was looking for something to place myself within as the energy, so that I could `feel` something. I do this frequently with skateboarding. On the walk to work is when I do it the most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I am in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from participating in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within breath, within the physical when I am participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to calm myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here through participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value within doubt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place value within life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place value within the physical expression of myself.

Letting go of Anger and Happiness.

I have been able to get over anger easier in the past few days. I would in the past sit on anger and blame all others for my own anger. The past few days I was feeling very aggitated because of my own actions and occurances within my own life.

One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it.  I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.

The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that  Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.

Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.

When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!

Seriously?!

I am not seeing the physical istuation I am only seeing the mental. Meaning that I am seeing the mental side of things when I look at a being I am not registering the fact that they need to eat, breath, and have shelter over their heads all I fcking see it the clothing, the appearance of them I see intelligence, or lak there of, I see age, I see discrimination, I see separation of myself from the fact that I need to eat. I mean !!! seriously? Was that what I was missing? It is. I could not get myself out of this point lol this is sad from the fact that I separated myself from life that much. We all need to eat we all need to breathe! Jesus this is so obvious but I have been trying to think my way ot of this shit only digging myself deeper. I still think about the appearance and how they `appear` to me. I have been thinking of and as the mind trying to find a difference from each person to the next not looking for similarities always trying to define and separate so that is what I have done to myself = separated myself from life, from breath, from eating, from everything that supports my life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind that I did not allow myself to see/realize that All beings need to eat, that all beings need to breathe, that all beings feel pain, that all beings need to be supported. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every human as they `appear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as I appear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define appearance. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that all beings no matter what need to eat, the must breathe, that I am equal to them in breath, that there is no difference between me and them within breath. So if I have disregarded this fact within other people I have disregarded it within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not be aware that each breath supports my life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need each breath for my life. I forgive myself to create this living experience through/as breath. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath life into me and let go within exhaling. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that each breath is me as my life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath in each moment allowing myself to create and direct each moment. I forgive mself that I have given up my breath to thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support thoughts through breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself by giving myself breath, food, shelter, to support myself as life. I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe, eat, live, through and as thoughts supports thoughts, supporting the system, supporting my own enslavement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing others to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing starvation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat for taste. I forgive myself tat I have not accepted and allowed myself to eat for sustaining my life here in the physical. What did I create of myself! I have become the system entirely within looking at this. Every part of the system I am or have become. To the extent that I am not AWARE that I need to eat as all others to sustain my life. That I have never ate to sustain my life it has all about pleasing the mind/the system. Well enough of this we all need to eat we all breathe we are all the same within this physical life, I have been hearing the words but have not lived them as I have not lived a breath only what I believe to have been living a breath. I am breathing to support my life in each and every breath. Fucking crazy I am for not seeing this. And I feel embarrassed for this but it doesn’t matter as embarrassment does not support life. I forgive myself that I have not been aware that I need to breathe and eat to support my life

I am Responsible for This

Yesterday I went into inferiority. It lasted for quite a while knowing that I am not who I thought I was…this has happened before, yet somewhere I allowed it to continue again. This point assisted me a lot within stopping who I thought I was. I thought that I was somewhat stable and in realizing my application of myself I have noticed that this is not true. I feared starting over in my application of myself. I did not want to re-start over as I believed that I made `progress`. I was realizing that everything that I believed myself to be was a lie. I believed myself to be more than what I was believed myself to be on some type of path to myself. I realized this was al a lie, and that this is still a form of god for me. This whole belief of a path is believing that I have free will and that anything that I do is ok because I am on `that path`. I allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself because I thought that everything would be fine because I am on `that path`. So I went into an inferiority point because I saw myself as less than all others, believing myself to have been valueless as what I put value on as myself I realized is a lie. So I saw no value in myself as I did before. I went into a possession of hating myself. I did not want to do anything to assist myself…again I wrote myself out half assedly, not really trying to dive into the point. I felt inferior because I was jealous of other people being stable and me not being stable.


I realized that this inferiority, these beliefs of myself as being less than others is not real. It is all based on personality and who I believe myself to be. As well who I wanted to be. I wanted to be this stable person…so I was separating myself from stabilizing myself. I was believing myself to be what I wanted. I made myself believe that through thoughts and then had to face myself within these thoughts. In that moment I was somewhat accepting and allowing myself to exist like that. I was allowing it but stopped it from time to time, not allowing myself to participate in those feelings and emotions. I realize that I wanted to be like others not focusing on myself but trying to control myself to become like others that I saw as more than me = anybody in process. This is a great misunderstanding of who I am.

I am falling into the experience now as I am believing that my application in process is worthless and that I should not continue. I believe that my words are worthless and should not continue to write. I chose not to vlog today as I allowed this inferiority to take me over. I believe that my voice is worthless and that me standing up is not working. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place worth on my personality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value myself within/as my words. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to control/direct myself within/as my words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be stable. I forgive myself fthat I have not accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself. This whole point is one that I have been struggling with as I enjoy hating myself. I realized that I am addicted to both polarities. I enjoy hating myself as I like taking everything away from myself. I enjoy not giving into any thoughts..I usually will think that I want food and will not give in, I will reject that thought out of hate for myself. I will not allow myself to do anything that will take me out of that feeling. This is a fucked up point as it is not best for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in a point of self-hate. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate what I have become. I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make amends with what I have become and correct it/mend it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to knowingly continue my time loops. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear removing myself from my patterned self.

This point is not really me. Whatever I believe myself to be inferior for is not real, it is no me. I have been directing myself in the physical. I am focusing on myself, what helps is keeping my head down when walking and focusing on my leg movement and actually moving myself as my legs and with breath. I have allowed this inferiority point to take control of me as I enjoyed being less than. I enjoyed hiding I enjoyed not being seen because within that I did not need to take responsibility as I was being ignored. I enjoyed being ignored because within that no one cared what I did I was allowed to become the worst of me, to involve myself in desires, in whatever pleases me drugs, masturbation, laziness, imaginations, fantasies.. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to expose myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dive deep into my desires. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignored. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expose myself taking full responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fantasies within my head, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to involve myself in imaginations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imaginary world trying to place it in this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape this reality by imagining another one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within separation that I have literally separated myself from everything. This is definitely going to be a hard process for me as I have created much shit within myself, and have accepted and allowed myself to become the `worst` of this world, fantasizing about rape, death, suicide, murder, Lol the polarity that I act as..I have always accepted and allowed myself to act as this nice, innocent person when in the mean time all of the shit that I have participated within my mind is the `worst` of this world. It is an absolute disregard for what life is. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to absolutely disregard life. I do not accept absolution as that is a word that defines never changing. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become what I am.

I realize that I cannot reason with myself I cannot debate about this inferiority it is either breathe or be inferior. I cannot convince myself that I am not inferior as everything that I see and have put value on I do not value myself as much as other people and within breath I am disregarding them as who I believe them to be. I disregard my own values and perceptions. They still exist and I do not not care for them as life I just do not care for my own interpretations for who they are I am focused on myself physically and I guide that. This has helped as when I would walk by a person I would not be focused on myself I have focused on them and immediately judged and focused on them and not giving myself awareness. So when I look down and focus on myself I focus on moving my feet focus on moving myself past them and focusing on moving my feet past them. Making sure that I direct me past them, making sure that I do not `stop and stare` giving my perceptions attention.

This helps with videos as well, I usually will look around and distract myself not giving attention to the words spoken, now I breathe and I focus myself on the words and hear their words.