Polarity and Sickness

I recently was looking at how the body must regulate a temperature between, I am not 100% sure on the numbers, 95-98 degrees Fahrenheit. Then I was looking at the point f going too far in one direction or the other and effectively becoming sick. This was interesting to look at, as within the world humans are quite polarized between money = the rich and the poor, and it is obvious to see that the human has a sickness in fact, to such an extent that the human is sickness, we are disease.

So I have been moving up and down within polarity quite heavily for the past 2 weeks, polarity of deciding to do correspondence that I must get done to up my grades to go into post-secondary education, deciding to work on my DIP assignment, cleaning up the house, and taking responsibility for my reality. I have been polarizing that with `fucking off` and watching youtube videos for hours on end, with sleeping, with eating sugar, with not treating myself within the living fact of what is best for me. Within that I recently became quite fucking sick. I came down with a hoarse cough so much so that I my breathing has become wheezy, and have been feeling fatigued due to the sickness. Here is where the interesting part comes in. I, today, decided to push through much resistances, much `fucking off` that I have been accepting and allowing myself, and have pushed myself to take responsibility for my reality and get my ass back in alignment, and to stop going too far within the polarity. I have been working on my English assignment for a few hours now, I have been pushing myself to do the things that I have been putting off, to fuck off, and get them done effectively. So right now, my sinuses are much more clear! My cough is not as hoarse! And my fatigue level is not relevant anylonger as I am just here writing, doing the things that I have been putting off I am not dreading doing what I have to = just doing it and within that fatigue is gone. I have `forgotten` about my cold. This is quite cool as the physical is showing me me, is showing how I create myself through what I accept and allow within/as myself and the manifested outcomes of said acceptance and allowance.

Equal Responsibility

Equal Responsibility
Today I found out that the friend whom I have abused in the past has been greatly affected by my actions. In this I realize that I am absolutely responsible for him. He has been going through extensive anger and hatred towards me for my actions. I am responsible for his life in the manor through being responsible for my actions I am responsible for the outcome of my actions which in fact are his actions.

I am responsible equally for him, as we all are for eachother = we are all equally responsible for eachother. I am responsible for him joining the army due to anger, I am responsible for his want for fighting, I am responsible for his tears, I am responsible for him letting out his anger, and I am responsible for the acts of his anger = if he were to fight someone due to his anger I am responsible for that fight.

The actions I have done in the past I have let go, but they are not gone, I am not done taking responsibility…I cannot take responsibility solely for him, I must take responsibility for realizing that I have created this equally in him as he is equally responsible for himself. In this I take responsibility for assisting him in letting it go as well, and my actions are not let go until he has as well let them go.

This exists for everyone in this world, we are all responsible for eachother until we all let our pasts go. I will not stop until he has let it go, and for that HE must let it go, I can only assist, in that I take responsibility for assisting him, as I have equally created him as well as himself through as my actions which has led to his actions.

I learnt today that the anger within him has caused him much harm, I am responsible for this harm, my abuse has carried on for years. I learnt that he has wanted to kill me, has thought about killing me, thought about causing harm to me, and this I am as well responsible for…everything that has been an effect from the abuse I am responsible for as I am responsible for my actions.

This is a very interesting topic!! I was hit by one of my parents when I was a kid, and the point of the abused become the abuser pops up as I am writing this. My mom’s dad greatly troubled her when she was a child too, there was physical harm and emotionally disturbing things done to her as a child and again the point of the abused become the abuser comes up again, so looking at this, my grandfather’s actions have stemmed all the way to me and past the blood line, and before that as well my grandfather must have been abused at some point as well, can’t say for sure but nonetheless our actions carry on far past ourselves and even our deaths.

This point is relevant within the money system, as we are all accepting this money system, and thus through/as the money system which spans the world, we are responsible for all that money is connected to through accepting the money system. Thus we are ALL equally responsible for poverty, for wealth, for greed, for corporations etc. Only when we make a stand as ourselves to better this system as ourselves through changing this system through changing ourselves do we actually make a change, and to change this world we all must change ourselves into something w can place all that live here on Earth within/as.

An example of Consequence and Effect

At work today 2 people started `warring against eachother`. We play around at times at work to make each other laugh and establish workplace relationships so sometimes shit happens. It started off with a guy throwing a box of rice at another and causing him to almost crash his machine, supposedly, I understand this perspective. So the guy who got hit by rice ended up throwing a cookie at the other guy and it hitting him in the nuts. The guy who got hit by rice took the incident quite seriously and thought that by hitting the other in the nuts made him furious so he then too reacted in anger.

 At break, he was furious, he was exploding with violent words etc and scheming to get the guy back. After he vented for a bit I told him the best thing to do it to simply let it go. He said he wouldn’t. He was giving excuses on how his family is vengeful and how he thus must be like them and get his vengeance (this is paraphrasing). Each time he would come around I would continue with telling him to just let it go, calm down, breathe. He again continued with excuses and other shit, and at a point he was continuing with `it’s in my genes` type of deal, and I told him let it go, he replied with I can’t. I said yes you can, he said `it’s in my genes` etc etc, in this point I saw him for what he was accepting and allowing so I said yes you can you just don’t want to. He then smiled at me and told me to shut up in a manner of bubbliness lets call it. That is a cool point as in this moment he was honest with himself through knowing it and just not wanting to admit it so I got him in a way to admit that he just didn’t want to let it go, which I find cool as I have seen this before. I laughed in that moment like` hahah I caught you` and we both knew it.

There was a point where the guy he was pissed off at had his skids at the wrapping machine, and they were tall skids according to the angered person. He said he wanted to push them over yet had a second thought about it with `What would Paul say?` He then saw me working in the aisles and he decided against it which I found Awesome.

Through standing firm on my position of him letting it go and telling him to let it go whenever he would rant to me it had an affect on him. I did not accept his bullshit of anger and revenge, I told him continually to let it go and I stood on that point and repeated it not giving my acceptance of vengeance or revenge.

We can all have this affect on people through standing as the principle of doing what is best for all, we simply need to incorporate/live it into our lives, and soon enough it will have an affect. It would not have been as easy if I were to give any way to his vengeance like saying `fine do whatever you’re going to do just understand there will be consequences` = I allowed myself to give no opportunity to the idea of revenge, told him continuously to let it go and that had an affect = if I were to give way at any point he could have used that to justify himself for doing something quite possible stupid as a supervisor may have seen it and then get him in trouble, and as well the relationship between him and the other would have gone `sour` as we were all cool hanging out at break before this.

Depression is worthless

Apr 11th 2011


Today I did no backchat as much. I noticed that I was stopping my fears much more. I was not worried about anything. During work I stopped a lot of my backchatting, and was singing more, singing random songs that came into my head. I cut my finger the other day, and this was limiting me within my work, I started to get fearful of not getting everything done in time for the store to open. I let this go and told myself I can only do what I can do in breath and within that I stopped fearing not getting everything done, stopped fearing not working efficiently. So at work I was fine. I got home made food sat down and slept. I slept to sleep but I stayed asleep past the alarm that I had set to get up and do things like buy groceries and go to the library to use the internet. Within sleeping past this time I started to become very depressed for not using my time effectively. I started to watch much more television to distract myself from facing myself. I became depressed because I allowed myself to sleep and knew the consequences of sleeping, and I allowed that knowledge of the consequences to hinder me. I accepted that consequence, which was depression and a lack of a want to write and resisting writing because of the depression. I realize this now that I could not have allowed that to hinder me, that I could have simply got up when I got up and did what I had to do, but I allowed depression to exist and within that I did not want to do anything so I didn’t.

Allowing depression in that moment to exist hindered me completely. I did not have to accept it as a consequence of sleeping. Again this was because I did not follow through on my plan to get things done, my plan of `effectiveness`. So I allowed depression to exist because I was not effective in my life, but I did not need to become depressed, I only had to get up and be effective meaning writing myself out and doing some of my ITD work, and then moving from there. I was resisting writing anything down and started to watch tv. I allowed that to exist for about an hour, then I did the shopping, and when I came back I made some food, and then again watched some tv, still allowing the depression to guide me into doing nothing that will support myself or this world.

It was quite unnessesary to become depressed in that moment, I allowed it because I did not do exactly what I wanted to do, and within this I allowed myself to further delay myself. I could have simply took that moment and fucking directed myself simply rather than allowing myself to fall into depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression for not being effective or using my time effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose depression over directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by depression instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment of waking up after wasting time to waste more time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to in the moment of waking up taking responsibility for myself here and directing myself effectively to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the moment of waking up go into depression instead of directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in depression looking for something to take me out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from depression through looking for the solution outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the solution to depression as I am the creator of my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch tv when feeling depressed to escape facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not face my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my creation of depression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within depression taking a directive stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into more depression when feeling depressed instead of standing in that moment becoming self-directive.

In the moment I feel depression I do not accept myself to watch tv or sulk around I take directive movement and I direct my movement to correct my depression

I stop I breathe in the moment of depression I get up I stand and direct myself.

In the moment of depression I will write as it seems to work as that is the reason I became depressed because I was not doing what I knew I should do and giving into resistances.

I do not allow myself to continue in depression when I feel depressed I stand up and I direct myself to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push past the resistances.

I push past these resistances from here further.

Giving the Finger to life and The Consequences

Mar 2nd 2011 2:35pm


I just got done watching the video Get real, stay Real, Be Physical and I would like to share my experience of that which Sunette is talking about in regards to willingly giving up and participating in dishonesty `giving the finger to life`. A year ago I went into a relationship knowingly participating in dishonesty as love as happiness as reliance, I was completely separate from myself. I knkew that I was participating in this yet I continued. I willingly gave up on myself, and allowed to fuck with myself immensely through believing in love and believing in all that shit. I purposely did this to achieve a large desire of mine, which was to fall in love, so I did and I created it and the outcome was horrific. I was blaming this before on the fact of the relationship, not taking responsibility for my actions within the relationship. So I gave up my process, said fuck it to life, and willingly went into that relationship to give into my desire and the consequences were dire. I went into this knowingly, so I ignored life, I ignored myself, I purposely forgot myself, and purposely allowed all of that shit to come into me = love, happiness, reliance, deception, abuse within as emotions, desire for sex, anger and blame etc. The consequence of this was a break up and emotional turmoil. And the consequence that was equal and one with my decision was the fact of me forgetting everything, me having to re-learn process from the beginning. Me having to restart absolutely everything over and re-live much of the moments that I went through previously. I forgot what self-honesty was, I had to re-learn to apply self-forgiveness, I was not applying self-forgiveness during the relationship and if I did it was a dishonest starting point where it was out of blame, or wanting to feel good about myself, I only forgave the negative within me, not realizing that this was absolutely dishonest, this was to again fulfill my desire of absolute bliss and love and utter happiness and an ever lasting happiness and positivity, disgracing life, disgracing myself through doing this as I used a tool which is helpful to support life, to say fuck it to life, and now I see the absolute evil of myself, and support my desire of an ever lasting positivity which is dishonest and only out of self interest.

So again the consequences of these actions is now an addiction to sex, I have to relearn everything over, I have held onto points within that relationship, I have lost trust of myself, and have only extensively limited and affected myself within process and have to move all of the shit that I accumulated during that year. It is at least going to take a year to move through, most likely more. I only extended my process and made it `harder` for myself. Harder than what it already was which was extensive because I was participating in that voice then, and believing that I was talking to the dead or `inanimate` objects. I keep on reading information and realizing that I already knew that and I keep on questioning…what the fuck happened to me s I went through that relationship…the truth is nothing happened to me, I made it myself, I did it to myself and now I am living the consequences. I realize points that I have `realized` way before, before I went into the relationship, and I keep on forgetting a lot of shit that I used to remember, hence the equal consequence of my action, in which I purposely ignored self-honesty to participate in desire, and thus I have now forgotten much of what was assisting me in process, and have to re-learn everything over. Simply I fucked myself through wanting to fuck.