Sleeping and Self-honesty

Mar 25th 2011 7:46pm


Ok so the point of sleep I want to write about right now. The point of sleep I am writing about is the fact that I am in the mornings having trouble waking up fully. The past 2 days I have slept past my alarm and the first day I woke up and sat on the toilet and peed lol and was questioning whether or not to stay up because I knew that I would exist in that same pattern as I have previously of sleeping until the last minute not getting up in time to eat properly and write in the morning like I like to do. I knew in that moment within self-honesty to stay up but I did not. So this point off applying self-honesty is a point I am willing to change at this moment, because I see myself falling, and I question how I allowed myself to fall and simply is because I am not standing self-honestly for and as myself to do what is best for me to not stay enslaved to these patterns that I have become and acted out. My application of self-honesty needs to change…yes I can be honest but I have not been taking that honest route and that is also a part of self-honesty. I mean I am right now honestly enslaving myself. Which is a stupid from my perspective. At the point of sitting on the toilet I was still tired and exhausted and I did not apply myself to get up in that moment meaning take that first breath and move myself. Instead I convinced myself to sleep a bit more and the outcome of this was stopping the Alarm each time it went off until I decided to call into work because of being tired and exhausted all because in that moment I did not take the honest route and breath in that moment getting up and taking on the day.

The second day which is today I stopped my alarm clock unconsciously, sleeping 2 hours past the alarm going off. I was not late to work but if I set the alarm any later I would have been, and this point I want to write about. The point of stopping my alarm unconsciously and then staying asleep. I have done this a few times where I am unaware that I have stopped my alarm….well not conscious of the fact and I end up sleeping with my cell phone/alarm in my hand lol because I have shut it off. I have made it too easy for myself to do this and if I cannot stop this because of consciousness that I must trick and apply measures of some other sort. So I have decided to place my alarm further so that I have to get out of bed to stop the alarm. So I have to get up out of the bed and walk to shut it off, and in this moment I will have some sort of consciousness and in that moment I can move within self-honesty or not, each one I know the path. And unfortunately I have been moving on the dishonest path within honesty. So I mean there are points here to consider, The sleeping not the worst or the most important but the application of self-honesty and the accumulating affect is something that I am considering as I see it becoming detrimental to be myself.

Simply I know what must be done and I must be relentless on myself in the moments of `its ok, no big deal`. It really is no big deal on the grand scale of all, but in all of me it is a big deal.

Self-Application

Mar 13th 12:43pm 2011


On my way to this coffee shop I noticed that again I was not aware of my breath and through this I placed myself within my breath and looked at what I was within breath, and I noticed that I am fearing my application of myself. On the way here I knew that I would be watching videos and writing and facing myself, and this I feared because I have not been equally applying myself in each moment. I feared pushing myself past this point to where I apply myself here in each moment. I feared using my time `wisely` instead of this free choice…I fear giving up my free choice to fall into desires and the same ugly shit I have been existing within. I feared facing this point – the point that I have not been applying myself the way I would like myself to apply myself in each moment. I have been allowing myself to stray away from what I can do within these points that I am giving myself and not pushing myself within these points but allowing myself to fall into desire and distraction. I was fearing myself within applying myself directly here within breath. As right now I am hiding myself within myself not placing myself directly here. I am In a public coffee shop and for some reason I am not allowing myself to expose myself here within breath. I am not exposing myself to myself within breath, in which I realize that this is because I am looking at other people comparing myself to them, and as soon as I type that I place myself here free from comparison now focusing on myself typing here and what I can do here instead of looking out the window or at other people within the coffee shop. I am now not fearing myself here I am accepting myself being here, being open, being vulnerable, and not fearing it because I am not allowing myself to compromise myself. I stand stable here within what I stand for = and 1ness. Ah I was placing myself within my personality to try and attain attention, and now I am here breathing as my body not wanting attention….Neat how I was giving others attention and in which I was looking for attention. Now I am paying attention to myself and what can be done here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality to gain attention to feed ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself through paying attention to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own application
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to fear facing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to act within and upon
I realize that I am responsibile for my actions
I realize that I have to take control of myself within applying myself equally in each situation/environment I am within
I stop I breathe and I face myself when I realize I am not breathing
I fear my application of myself here within this moment through equally applying myself in each moment in doing what is best for all as myself. As I have been neglecting myself in some moments allowing myself to recently fall into desires. I have been distracting myself from myself here within the physical and breath. So I have only been fearing this because I did not want to face this point. And now through writing this out I face myself deception of myself here and my application of myself.

Seriously?!

I am not seeing the physical istuation I am only seeing the mental. Meaning that I am seeing the mental side of things when I look at a being I am not registering the fact that they need to eat, breath, and have shelter over their heads all I fcking see it the clothing, the appearance of them I see intelligence, or lak there of, I see age, I see discrimination, I see separation of myself from the fact that I need to eat. I mean !!! seriously? Was that what I was missing? It is. I could not get myself out of this point lol this is sad from the fact that I separated myself from life that much. We all need to eat we all need to breathe! Jesus this is so obvious but I have been trying to think my way ot of this shit only digging myself deeper. I still think about the appearance and how they `appear` to me. I have been thinking of and as the mind trying to find a difference from each person to the next not looking for similarities always trying to define and separate so that is what I have done to myself = separated myself from life, from breath, from eating, from everything that supports my life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind that I did not allow myself to see/realize that All beings need to eat, that all beings need to breathe, that all beings feel pain, that all beings need to be supported. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every human as they `appear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as I appear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define appearance. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that all beings no matter what need to eat, the must breathe, that I am equal to them in breath, that there is no difference between me and them within breath. So if I have disregarded this fact within other people I have disregarded it within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not be aware that each breath supports my life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need each breath for my life. I forgive myself to create this living experience through/as breath. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath life into me and let go within exhaling. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that each breath is me as my life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath in each moment allowing myself to create and direct each moment. I forgive mself that I have given up my breath to thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support thoughts through breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself by giving myself breath, food, shelter, to support myself as life. I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe, eat, live, through and as thoughts supports thoughts, supporting the system, supporting my own enslavement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing others to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing starvation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat for taste. I forgive myself tat I have not accepted and allowed myself to eat for sustaining my life here in the physical. What did I create of myself! I have become the system entirely within looking at this. Every part of the system I am or have become. To the extent that I am not AWARE that I need to eat as all others to sustain my life. That I have never ate to sustain my life it has all about pleasing the mind/the system. Well enough of this we all need to eat we all breathe we are all the same within this physical life, I have been hearing the words but have not lived them as I have not lived a breath only what I believe to have been living a breath. I am breathing to support my life in each and every breath. Fucking crazy I am for not seeing this. And I feel embarrassed for this but it doesn’t matter as embarrassment does not support life. I forgive myself that I have not been aware that I need to breathe and eat to support my life

My application

I do not like my application of myself and I am not sure where I am moving to. I feel as though I am stuck right now. I believe that I must be doing something. The problem is that I am not taking responsibility still. I am still sleeping far too much. I do not care when I wake up. I have been at this point for a few days now, I do not feel like doing anything other than sitting down and breathing, waiting for the world to come to me. Again a responsibility point. I am not directing my life properly in these past few days.


I have been sleeping in a lot, Not been eating properly, nor allocating time for everything that I would like to do during the day. I have not been able to write effectively, I am looking out of windows, `staring into space` and not focusing on my writing or getting it done. I have been using bullshit words, just to collect space. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bullshit my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself properly when the situations calls for it. I have been simply giving up for the past few days, I have not been applying breath and have been using excused to not get done what needs to be done. I have been fantasizing a lot, been taking myself away from here. I have not been directing myself. Within all of this I have lost my position. I have lost where I was/am. I do not know where I am right now, I have been simply following along waiting for life to come to me, instead of bringing life to me, directing my life.

The few points that I am stressing about is my writing, my vlogging, sleeping/responsibility, and my care. I have been slacking in my writing..I have not been looking at the entire point, only small points within the point, and within that I have not been able to write very much on the subject and I distract myself quite a bit. I am judging myself for this because I have put value on sticking to this, and if I am not then what the fuck am I doing here? I am judging myself for this because I know that I can put in the effort yet am allowing myself to distract myself and not write effectively. My vlogging is basically the same thing, I have been vlogging but not directing myself within vlogging, It has been scattered and I do not know where to direct it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through/as writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack within my application of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be strict with myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at this without judgment.

I have been slowing down with my writing and been sleeping more. I have not been taking responsibility for writing out a point or vlogging out a point. I have been resisting writing and within this I have been bullshitting my words. I have been thinking a lot forgetting about breath. I feel like myself was going nowhere and that writing myself out had to be planned. I noticed that when it was planned I could look at a point much easier and take it on much easier, and that when It wasn’t planned that I had no direction and spewing bullshit. So I started to plan things again…I still gave up a bit on my application of myself, as I felt like things weren’t going anywhere. I am fantasizing about my life, and where it will go. I have not been placing myself here taking responsibility for being here.

This most certainly has gone on for too long, My responsibility is slacking and I am going to take care of that, I can only do this within breath. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct myself. This responsibility point has been eating at me and I cannot allow this to continue. I am going to write everyday, even if I have not planned it, the not planning is still a plan. It is still a direction. For the most part I do not know what to write about, believing that I must write something extraordinary, or take on a point or something like that and I have noticed that I have not shared my life too much. That is something that I am going to start to do, I have basically been sharing emotions and feelings.