Desteni NA Meeting

On the weekend was the Desteni North America meeting. My experience in this was unexpected. I did not expect the support, the friendship, the acceptance, the family like environment.

             

   So before the trip I was excited. I was excited to meet all of these people that I have known for a year, that I have seen walk their processes for a year and seen them move and expand themselves. When I landed at Houston Katie and I found Eachother, and we immediately hugged. I did not expect that as in society it is unheard of to hug pretty much a stranger as a greeting. We started talking and there was a single moment of I do not know what to say…only a moment that maybe lasted 3 seconds. After that moment we realized that yes we do know eachother, and started conversation from there that did not stop at all until we hit the car. I was able to communicate freely and opening and about things that interest me instead of the bullshit that is talked about in everyday life. I got to the house and met up with everyone there as well. Again there was an immediate welcoming, and no awkwardness only meeting the people that we have shared with for a few years now. It was awesome no judgment no hate, no uneasiness, there was welcoming, there was acceptance, and there was a family there.

Once I got there I settled in and I would usually feel a discomfort, a home sickness, like I do not know the place where I am in. I did not experience any home sickness I was comfortable with myself. There was a point within me that I was trying to hide and that was that I still smoked. So I was holding off on a cigarette longer than usual, but which I had to eventually bring out. So I brought it out and I thought that there would have been judgment or some kind of nagging but there was none at all. In fact all others shared their experiences within stopping smoking and how they experienced that exactly which was absolutely cool from my perspective.

When more people arrived again more hugs from everyone around welcoming all unconditionally. I would never expect something like this to happen. Only because of desteni we are capable of doing this. We share ourselves unconditionally over writing (blogs) and video (Vlogs) and within that we are sharing ourselves, so we end up knowing eachother intimately because we share ourselves entirely on an open forum which is the internet and we all come together for one purpose and that is because we all care about the state of the world, we all realize that the state of the world is fucked and that we must do something and that we alone cannot do anything so since we are in a group together and within the group sharing of ourselves in required we all start to know eachother intimate and thus a bond is formed between eachother. In Houston this bond became physical that we were all in the same place physically living together under one roof and within that since we all know eachother.

Points were brought up in Houston that we were all participating in, that we were all assisting and supporting eachother, there was a communication for the point all as one communicating the point to allow each of us to come to an understanding of the point. There was no ego involved of `I am right, and this is the way that it is` which happens in most discussions. There was a communicative understanding there of how to direct each point that came up. Living there together was simply as well, sleeping was all arranged and there were no conflicts whatsoever even with 15 or so people sleeping under the same roof.

During this meeting a realization occurred that we are all a family and a family that is not within the Family structure. Cameron Pointed out that if this were an actual family reunion it would have been a lot weirder because truly we do not know our familes we do not communicate regularily so we have no idea what is going on within their lives, what they are interested it, and there are no common standing grounds for a conversation. Yet at the meeting we all came together on the same standing ground which is life, and through this we were all able to share unconditionally and express ourselves without judgment. Desteni has become a family, a family that is nothing like the family structure that is here today. It is a family where each of us is allowed to move as ourselves, and will get assistance immediately unconditionally when asked.

All in all I fucking enjoyed it. Much learnt, much lived.

Sharing my Life

Right now I am working 2 jobs that I do not really mind, I was getting very low hours and decided to switch positions to a facilities shift at the clothing store job, meaning that I clean the washrooms and floors. This position provides guaranteed hours which I like and need, and the work I enjoy as well I move at my own pace and there is absolutely no stress that I create. So that is one job the other is a grocery store job in which things have been rocky. I cannot get done much of the work that they ask me to do, and I feel worried about that believing that I need to get done everything that they ask or they will be frustrated with me. That job I have backchatted within a lot and the consequences are now coming out. They are required to cut hours, and that is what has been done…For the week of Feb 16 I have no hours. If that continues for 4 weeks I get laid off. So I have been directing that point and When I opened up my email I had a job offer from a kijiji add I posted a while ago, so that was perfect timing. I have options here. I can transfer from the one store that I am at to another store where I will get more hours, or I can follow this new job. This new job sounded cool where they are a business that helps middle-class families help allocate their monies, and I suppose sell products that help with that, They do not push their products they only want to help… which is really cool. So that is an opportunity. But the point is that having the grocery store job I will have benefits after another 1 ½ of working there and all of my medicines will be covered 100% which will be very helpful as I am not using some of the tools available because of the expense of them. I am wanting to keep the grocery store job and am going to look into switching stores as my clothing store job is in a mall that has the same grocery store so that could work out pretty well.


That is one point that is going on, another point that is semi-related is my family. I asked my sister to put a word in for me at her store as she works at the same grocery store that is in the mall that my clothing store job is in…fuck it I am going to name names. Clothing store = Old Navy, Grocery store = Zehrs. So I asked her to do that for me and told her that I am going in to talk with a manager from that Zehrs the next time I work at Old Navy, she said that that was not a good idea because they are busy and that I should not pester them…looking at those words she is hiding something, or has a different reason, as they are nto really busy because it is the beginning of the year and all stores are pretty slow. Her reaction most likely is coming from my response to my dad. He sent me a facebook message saying that a smile takes a lot less energy and muscle, and this had been continuing on for sometime….him saying that I need to smile more and that this world isn’t as bad as I say it is, and that there is love and such other positivities, to which I replied that this is unacceptable and that I am not going to smile because you want me to, just to give him some satisfaction of trying to keep me away from the shit in this world, as all parents do. So this whole point has been revolving around my family. My mother is cool with who I am and does not impose too much shit onto me, but my father and sister are one and the same, trying to get me to smile and stop being so `negative`, to which I have been saying fuck off recently to. So I laughed when my sister told me not to pester them because she has been preaching unconditional love and family love for quite a long time to me, and that I should love my family because they are my family. She shows no unconditional love in her trying to keep me away from her…that is most likely the reason, she will not want me working around her, and most likely does not want to see me. This point has been around since I started to participate in and watch desteni videos. My mother over time `gave` in and noticed that this was helping me. My mother gave in because I have been around her since I started, so she has been able to notice a change and since I have been living this now I am able to explain it better to her and talk easier about it. My Father and Sister are still held down by their belief of what desteni is and dislike me participating in it, because of their belief of what it is. So there has been a conflict within my family but slowly they are starting to accept me for what I am doing and not trying to impose anything on me and allowing me to express myself. Slowly they are starting to stop pushing their views onto me.

My physical life is easy, and my mental side is difficult. I was watching a interview from a being (not sure which who) through the portal, and they said that everyone will have an easy mental life and difficult physical life or the other way around to have that polarity of things. So my mental is what I have been dealing with for some time now, trying to figure everything out by thinking, which I have realized does not work, and that only breath can assist me In seeing clearly. I have been trying to figure out my life through thinking, so I have not been looking at the situation clearly, I have not been using common sense to see where I currently am within my participation in this world/system/life. The mental is what I have been focusing on, and trying to get through, as my physical position is enough to support me as life. My life at the moment is ok, I have been working through stress and emotions and feelings to get to me, for me to support me, and working on equalizing myself to the physical as me.

The Day of Shit

I do not really want to post my day because I have yet to write it out and I am doing that for the course = limitation. I don't see why I can't write it out here. I just made the excuse of the fact that I do not have enough time to look at my entire day and write it out.... it is like I do not want to spoil it...I have made the plans to write it our when I get home and if I write it out here I spoil it? nonsense.

Again today I was wanting to escape to a certain degree. I slept in when I wanted to get up and move myself wthin the world. I wanted to get my rent from the bank when it opened up (8) and go to the library when it opened(10) to utilize the most of my time. I ended up sleeping in past these times. Who am I within that? I did not care about what I wanted to do to support me. I only wanted to further my experience with sleep. I was enjoying not being here. I was enjoying not having to face the cold or the winter or having to move myself around in the winter time. I bike around everywhere in the winter and dislike the cold to an Nth degree. I did not care about whether I was effective in the day or not I just really enjoyed the sleep I had. As well it was the motivation to get up. I had no motivation. I used to use cigarettes - a want or desire - to get up and start the day. I would normally think ( !!! I get to smoke if I get up) then I would get up to have a cigarette. Today I did not have any in the morning so there was no motivation to move. I did not care about myself in applying myself in doing what I needed to do in the day, I was too involved in my mind and its desires which was sleep and escape lol. I didn't have a desire to get me up but I had one to keep me asleep. I eventually got up with the thought of "Fuck this is enough of this" and started to move myself in my day.

Money was the start of my day. I started off with calling about getting internet at my house and to find out the prices and what were the options of getting it. Money is a large factor in this and it would be too expensive right now for me to pay for it - that was my excuse ...I have the money. I do not want to spend that amount of money on the internet at the house for something that I can currently get for free and faster elsewhere. It is frugality. Lol excuse. I do not want to put the money towards it, and that is it. I went to the bank to find out that it was closed and was happy that it was closed so that I could hold onto money for a bit longer and not have to pay my rent right now...I hold onto money until I MUST spend it. Anyhting that is not a must I will not allocate it towards it...that is something that I will work on and apply myself within.

My dad (Stephen) ended up calling me to go out for lunch and we decided to go to his place for lunch...again I was glad that I did not have to spend money on food and would be fed by anothers monetary means. I am working on this point and stopping myself from going to my mothers for food and internet. the reason I went with my father is because I thought that since I missed boxing day I would have some shit that I would have allocated to me. I had a gift card to the licqour store that I was initally upset about then stopped because participating in that was bullshit and ended up giving it to my sister. What would have been best is to completely throw it out... holy shit I am fearing greatly my participation in life as I am now looking at all the bullshit that I participate within the day. I used the fact that I gave her that giftcard to get her to buy me cigarettes. I smoked one and stood up within myself creating the decision for and as myself separate from beliefs to stop. I left the pack in her car(e) <-- typo and gave them to her.

At Stephens house me my sister and him got into an argument about my participation in desteni. I was very angry in this because the phrase it has been and will always be came up and I reacted to this in anger...Intense anger. I was not sharing myself in the conversation only yelling....only shouting AT them. So that went nowhere really and their main point was that of fear for me for losing my number within society. They reacted to the fact that I give them money and that they asked for my passport...believing that People will steal my identity Now that I am looking at myself within my day I can see the shit that I participate in and would normally become very judgemental at myself but am grateful right now for ITD.

Enjoy Paul.

Family Love

My sister is going through a `hard` time in her life. She is in debt, and My father is not supporting her the way she wants to be supported. He is being emotionally abusive, and purposely using his knowledge of my sisters peersonality, to manipulate her emotions. Now I gave her advice to remove herself from him and live on her own...she has the know how and the resources, and to cut him out of her life. She said that she couldn't cut him out because he is family and that family should unconditionally love eachother. To this I laughed and said that I received no love when I spoke about desteni, when I would speak about this world, I was attacked and still am. Like yesterday I was speaking about an Equal money system and Patti took on the advocate of the devil. So I laughed and said there is not unconditional love I have experienced the conditions that need to be met to be `loved`.

Do not fool yourself with family love. Families are quite deceptive in trying to get you to lead you down a set path. Because who better to lead you down the path then the ones who have already been down the path that you are on. You will become like your mother or father, unless you take a stand. The family system is there to manipulate you into believing that you are making a choice for yourself but when really you are living out the same pattern that they have lived out. And If they say there is love, the moment you go against the gang, the cult, the mob, the family, you become ostracized, you become an outcast. If one speaks about something that the family does not share in common one is ousted. Same within friends, if you don't abide by the set actions fo the group one is cut off from the group/exiled. Family love is a lie. Do not be deceived when told be family members that love is within them for you. It is within them for them. It is out of self-interest. No I used to love my sister but within realizing what that love was for her, which was a belief that she is the only one in the world I could relate to, which was out of self-interest of wanting to be accepted and included and relate to someone, I stopped that love for her. I stopped that love for her and stood as myself, and stopped living for her acception of me. I stopped living to please her so that the love will remain. I now stand as myself living for myself speaking for myself, standing in every moment for myself.

Family love is very deceptive, as a child we are brought up to stand with and by the family no matter what. We are not taught to think for ourselves. We are subjected to our parents opinions of what is right or wrong. We then become them. We then become their beliefs and live as their beliefs. When one `steps out of line` one is either brought back in line through force, or let go and that line stays straight, there is no extension within the line to accomodate one. It is black or white...from my perspective, I am sure that there are some instances differently. But look at it this way, If ones family is devout Catholics, and one stands up and stops going to church, stops praying to god, stops worshipping, what happens? Does the family say ok that fine, your choice or opinion and it has no affect on me. Or does the family exclude them immensely from the family, as well as my medial (via media) knowledge of coming out to parents about being gay.

Doesn't always happen but from my medial understanding it is quite frequent. Now ask yourself, where is the family love within all of this? Does it exist unconditionally, or is it subjective and conditional?