Feeling As Though I Am Not Ready Within Time

I am hesitating going to work. I find that me working the afternoon shift, I hesitate before working. While working the day shift I had no time to contemplate going to work, I got up did my shit, I had a schedule which is important to note, I followed my morning routine and then went to work, no questions, no thoughts just actions. I find that me working the afternoon shift I have time to contemplate going to work, I find that I am not managing my time as well, meaning my contemplation towards going to work stems from a consideration of what to do with my time before work. And I am finding that the thought comes up of `I do not have enough time`. So I must create a routine and a schedule so that I am able to use all of my time before work effectively. As right now I am not sure how to manage my time before work, and within this I am projecting not having enough time to do the things that I am wanting to do. So a schedule is a must and a sticking to that schedule is a must as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist creating and living by a schedule to manage my time effectively before work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my time a question of what to do with the time that I have before work
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stick to a schedule
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waver from a schedule that I have created to manage my time as effectively as possible
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what to do with my time before work instead of doing what is necessary within the moments/time before I work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contemplate about what I must/have to/want to do before work, and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to come to a decision on what I am/am not going to do before work allowing myself to leave my time `open` and thus allowing a questioning and a doubt of what to do with my time before work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question what I shall do before work instead of coming to a complete decision
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contemplate on what I should or should not give my attention within/as time towards throughout the time that I have to `spare` before work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must do things to stabilize myself before work, to get to a point whih I FEEL as if I am done and now am ready to go to work, when in fact my time is only my itme, when my time and my actions are not relative to how I `feel` towards being ready for work or not, I create my own readiness for work through/as taking responsibility for getting ready for work, and thus it is not about what I should or should not do before work but simply my preparedness for work.

Dedicating myself, and stopping

Mar 18th 2011 3:58pm


It is all up to me and my dedication. Today I was making sure that I participated here and removed emotions and feelings when the point stopped, meaning I would participate in a smile or an energetic when talking with someone and remove that immediately. I noticed that for the most part I used sadness to remove and not caring to keep myself directed. Meaning not caring about the people or things going on around me, kept myself focused on myself here, and directed myself within breath. I would have usually focused on things happening around me that I was not involved and backchat my involvement. So I kept a demeanor of not caring and that helped. I did not think about another person, kept myself here focusing on myself. The dedication and discipline point here is not allowing myself to continue participating in that energetic reaction within happiness or positivity but removing that immediately once the interaction has gone. With which I used sadness to remove it…or it felt like sadness, I mean if one were to come down from any type of happiness wouldn’t it feel like sadness. I am using the example of my blood sugar levels. Sometimes I am too high for too often and when I come down to normal it feels as if I am at a low blood sugar level when I am not, so I see this as applicable, to that situation. And I kept myself focused on myself, to not strafe away from myself by participating in thoughts and projections and backchatting towards my surroundings. I find that the method of completely stopping myself and then directing myself when a point comes up meaning I stop the emotions directly after I experience it and re-direct myself from myself participating in what I want to participate in not reacting to the point. So I was dedicating myself to stopping the participation within the energy today and this dedication was firm, I see now that it needs applying here as well, as I am allowing myself to move myself away from realzing that I am here breathing to thoughts and ideas and projections = backchatting

I see now that again I am placing happiness a positivity an idea of `success` within this post so fuck that...It works to stop it like that simply. Meaning the paragraph I wrote above is how it works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of `success` to define myself as.
I am still here, still the same.

Oh yet another Resposibility point through Sleep

Mar 7th 2:22pm 2011


Breathing helps quite extensively, I slept again and was about to judge myself harshly, but I breathed. I slept after work. I said that I would sleep for 15 minutes and move past the want to sleep more, I purposely put myself in that position to move past it, but again I did not get up, I set the alarm later. I got up at that time and I enjoyed the feeling of sleep, I enjoyed not being here. But it was certainly an energetic feeling. The feeling is one of relief. I want more of this feeling so I sleep more…like masturbation basically. I was heavily abusing myself when I was masturbating through masturbating, I wanted more of the `relief` that I felt when I climaxed, so I heavily masturbated. And now I am heavily sleeping and through this I am abusing myself as well, not waking up and taking responsibility for myself, anyhow, to understand this I must stand equal and one to this. So yes it is the feeling that I enjoy and want to create more of through sleeping. As well I cannot nap as I have abused my trust of myself. It is the energetic feeling that I must move through and get rid of. When I wake up I make excuses and justification to why I can and should sleep some more, and it is simply to sleep more and have that feeling of sleeping, but it is not sleep that feels it is me. So I am creating this lack of responsibility for myself through sleep, this belief that sleep is relief. I am believing that I am not responsible when sleeping, I am responsible for the fact of myself sleeping and if I am not taking responsibility for myself within sleeping then I must take responsibility for not taking responsibility…the consequences will show as they are…my time to vlog and blog is much less when I sleep. So my responsibilities are becoming compromised when I sleep to not take responsibility, as well my job is being affected as well as my livelihood, so now I understand what is happening through myself sleeping. My responsibilities are being compromised and I am compromising myself within not taking responsibility, and I am not taking responsibility through sleeping more than 4-6 hours and the fact that I am allowing myself to sleep more when I nap. So the false feeling of relief is a lie, meaning that I am not relieved from my responsibilities when I sleep I only put them off from my mind, and believe they do not exist when I sleep, but the reality is that they do exist and they will always exist even within sleep, so sleeping less is better for me in taking responsibility, and napping is going to go.

A practical solution when feeling tired is to not allow myself to nap, to get up and do something, to read, to do work, to write, watch tv. I noticed that watching tv helps as it is a stimulation for my mind…playing video games would help…anything that would stimulate my mind would help stop me from being tired, but I am going to investigate when I feel tired as what I have been allowing myself to participate in.

So they consequence today was not getting up in time to go to work…I am absolutely grateful for their understanding, I called in and asked if they still needed me to come in, they said no it was fine, and I am absolutely grateful for this, as I was expecting to get yelled at, but again this in unacceptable on my part because I did not take responsibility for this.

Relatonship, Memories and How I have devoloped.

Ok so what I have related all of this to is the fact that as a kid, I was beat physically. From that point on, there were compounding thoughts from that one moment of being inferior, orsituations where I would allow myself to believe that I was inferior to the other or the situation. When existing in inferiority one is existing at that one side of the polarity. I have constantly allowed myself to feel inferior and express inferiority, I have been constantly through out my life questioning my self value in compared to another. I would question my own answer because another said a different answer and I would value their answer over my own = Inferiority, and non-existent self-value. I allowed myself to believe that I was inferior to my MOTHER, that word is key, for her beating me, I felt as if I had absolutely no power. So in past relationships I have given up all of my power, decisions, my own answers and directed myself through/as the other being because I felt inferior to them, allowed myself to express inferiority, and gave up my power of self, to my own inferiority…I did not give up my power to `them` I can only give it up to my own inferiority. What this Happiness shit and desire for a girlfriend is supported by….It is fascinating how intertwined all of this is….perfectly systematically implanted, through experiences. ..the media and love movies….when I watched a love movie, I allowed myself to feel the emotion that was implied…again there it is a feeling based on an interpretation = thin air = nothing…and I enjoyed that feeling of love…Ah it was called love but all I saw was happiness, so I started to believe that Love was happiness, that it brought great happiness, and so therefore within existing in inferiority for most of my life, I started to think that having a relationship would get me out of this feeling of inferiority, by making me happy…from the perception of polarity….so I started to desire a relationship, girlfriend to support me as inferiority, as me seeing that they are superior to me and capable of supporting me emotionally….That what a relationship has been for me a desire for support EMOTIONALLY, where I believe myself to be inferior and me seeing them as superior/stronger can help me out of the slump of depression that I would exist within, I would want them to `cheer me up`, there is the reliance of support within having a relationship/agreement.

So through my mother beathing me as a child, I then came to rely on my mother..as memory comes up where she tried to throw me on my bed out of anger, whips me by my arm and I am unable to hold myself up…my knees collapse, and I hit my back on the bed frame…within that moment I was extensively hurt, and my mother coming to her `senses` rushes to me and holds me trying to sooth me, this was a bundle of afuck up, as within that moment a person who I relied on `betrayed` me by physically hurting me, and then within that moment I was looking for soothing, some comfort, and I got it from the person who `betrayed` me, so growing up there was a large hate towards my mother, I felt very confused towards her….In the ages of 13-16 I swore extensively at her, I loathed her to no limit, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to abuse another with my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express hate/anger within words. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately try and hurt another with my words. AS well in that span of time I resisted every touch of hers, I hated her touching me, I resisted it entirely/completely. Each time that she would touch me, I felt a sharp pain…I created a sharp pain wherever she touched me, If she hugged me I would be paralyzed like in that moment when she tried to sooth me and would not move, not hug her back, I put up with the hug until it was over…feeling disgusted during the hug. It came to a point where if she tried to touch me I would dodge her touch, I would physically resist that touch, and move away from her hand, and literally dodge myself out of the way of her hand, so that she would not touch me, because of that pain that I manifested each time she touched me. So I have existed as this inferiority in relation to my mother, and I have allowed this to stick with me through out my life. So within existing in inferiority I have existed as sadness…a lot of emotions that are on the `negative` side of the polarity. I have accepted and allowed this within me. I have been searching for something to make me happy, so I have looked and searched for something else to make me happy, not taking resposibilty for my own unhappiness, blaming it on my mother for most of my teenage years. So I saw the solution of being happy having a girlfriend who would love me, and support me, through times of negativity, thus again separating myself from myself and not taking responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my umhappiness on my mother. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself to replace the sorrow that I felt/feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto that feeling of inferiority throughout my entire life. …So this inferiority is related to my suicidal tendencies….as it has come from a point…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even now blame my mother for my inferiority, thus blaming her for my sucicdal tendencies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still exist in inferiority in comparison to my mother. I am going to continue this, I started to rely on a relationship…any relationship to make me happy, I found that I can make myself happy by fantasizing but each time I would come into reality seeing that I do not have happiness in the form of a relationship and thus manifest more sadness, believing myself to be less than a relationship and this is why I do not approach women…FEAR. From watching movies I started to create those same situations within my mind revolving around my life, so that I would feel that happiness, I just got home from work and my mind is a bit fucked, Iwas not breathing correctly during work, no anger though. Getting beat ( I typed brat as a typo) as a kid, I allowed myself to install in feariority within me, I started to fear speaking out and sharing myself through fear of being hit, feeling less powerful then. Her being my mother = female in my life, I started to fear women, yet at the same time desire them. I need to start a new point

When desiring a relationship, I believe that it will bring me happiness, so when I think that someone coming into my life gives the opportunity to start a relationship with I start to fantasize about happiness, as I believe that having a relationship makes one happy, that having a relationship is complete happiness. So I have hated myself for a while, for not being who I want to be, for not being comfortable with myself around others, for all of these fears that I have. So I have developed escape methods and one is fantasizing about `positive` situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about happy situations to escape from myself hating myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for hating myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself, and to do what is best for me as life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of happy/positive projections. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the fact that I am uncomfortable with myself most of the time. Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself, to give myself comfort.

To re-cap getting beat as a child allowed me to create a point within myself of inferiority towards others, as less then and I must be them, as I was beat for being myself for the most part, thus allowing myself to create a point of fearing being myself, thus creating the inferiority. I have existed as that inferiority for most of my life and within that have been constantly looking for happiness, been in the constant pursuit of happiness. As being raised in this system I saw love as complete happiness from fairy tales and kids movies, and at that point started to desire happiness in the form of love, thus then and there creating a point of desiring a relationship to make myself feel happy. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself have an idea of what happiness is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I am happy, Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceice myself by making myself believe that I am happy. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my own movement and decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for validation of myself….I look a the clock/time/numbers to help me confirm myself, and recently this has stopped as I have been more stable as myself, and not looking for that validation but trusting myself to do what is best for me, instead of looking to be guided.

The Day of Shit

I do not really want to post my day because I have yet to write it out and I am doing that for the course = limitation. I don't see why I can't write it out here. I just made the excuse of the fact that I do not have enough time to look at my entire day and write it out.... it is like I do not want to spoil it...I have made the plans to write it our when I get home and if I write it out here I spoil it? nonsense.

Again today I was wanting to escape to a certain degree. I slept in when I wanted to get up and move myself wthin the world. I wanted to get my rent from the bank when it opened up (8) and go to the library when it opened(10) to utilize the most of my time. I ended up sleeping in past these times. Who am I within that? I did not care about what I wanted to do to support me. I only wanted to further my experience with sleep. I was enjoying not being here. I was enjoying not having to face the cold or the winter or having to move myself around in the winter time. I bike around everywhere in the winter and dislike the cold to an Nth degree. I did not care about whether I was effective in the day or not I just really enjoyed the sleep I had. As well it was the motivation to get up. I had no motivation. I used to use cigarettes - a want or desire - to get up and start the day. I would normally think ( !!! I get to smoke if I get up) then I would get up to have a cigarette. Today I did not have any in the morning so there was no motivation to move. I did not care about myself in applying myself in doing what I needed to do in the day, I was too involved in my mind and its desires which was sleep and escape lol. I didn't have a desire to get me up but I had one to keep me asleep. I eventually got up with the thought of "Fuck this is enough of this" and started to move myself in my day.

Money was the start of my day. I started off with calling about getting internet at my house and to find out the prices and what were the options of getting it. Money is a large factor in this and it would be too expensive right now for me to pay for it - that was my excuse ...I have the money. I do not want to spend that amount of money on the internet at the house for something that I can currently get for free and faster elsewhere. It is frugality. Lol excuse. I do not want to put the money towards it, and that is it. I went to the bank to find out that it was closed and was happy that it was closed so that I could hold onto money for a bit longer and not have to pay my rent right now...I hold onto money until I MUST spend it. Anyhting that is not a must I will not allocate it towards it...that is something that I will work on and apply myself within.

My dad (Stephen) ended up calling me to go out for lunch and we decided to go to his place for lunch...again I was glad that I did not have to spend money on food and would be fed by anothers monetary means. I am working on this point and stopping myself from going to my mothers for food and internet. the reason I went with my father is because I thought that since I missed boxing day I would have some shit that I would have allocated to me. I had a gift card to the licqour store that I was initally upset about then stopped because participating in that was bullshit and ended up giving it to my sister. What would have been best is to completely throw it out... holy shit I am fearing greatly my participation in life as I am now looking at all the bullshit that I participate within the day. I used the fact that I gave her that giftcard to get her to buy me cigarettes. I smoked one and stood up within myself creating the decision for and as myself separate from beliefs to stop. I left the pack in her car(e) <-- typo and gave them to her.

At Stephens house me my sister and him got into an argument about my participation in desteni. I was very angry in this because the phrase it has been and will always be came up and I reacted to this in anger...Intense anger. I was not sharing myself in the conversation only yelling....only shouting AT them. So that went nowhere really and their main point was that of fear for me for losing my number within society. They reacted to the fact that I give them money and that they asked for my passport...believing that People will steal my identity Now that I am looking at myself within my day I can see the shit that I participate in and would normally become very judgemental at myself but am grateful right now for ITD.

Enjoy Paul.

Sharing my Days

I have not been sharing my days and my experinences within my days...it is useful to do so. Speaking about a day will show me where I am within my reality and process.

Yesterday.
I woke up after sleeping six hours and felt fine. I have been sleeping six or under for an effective 4 days. I have been moving myself within sleeping for six or less  hours a night for probably around 1month right now. I want to right about feelings and how I felt, and I felt `good` that I have been sleeping more effectively. This is a energetic movement inside of me, believing that I am doing something good for myself within sleeping less. And I am currenty juding myself for participating in good and bad, believing polarity to be bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that participating in polarity is bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inferior to polarity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to beliefs of morality and polarity. Yesterday, I did not have my laptop, and was wondering how I would move without it. I went to the library to use their computer. On my bike over there I noticed that I was rushing myself, trying to get there as fast as possible to utilize as much time as possible. I noticed myself in the movements of the pedals and how I was pushingmyself hard and not coasting when I could, continually pedalling as fast as I could. I got to the library, and went on the computers that were available. There was a 2 hour time limit, so again the point of believing to have to use as much of the time effectively revolving around speed was relevant. I checked my email, and watched a few videos and read some posts on the forum and facebook. I wsa trying to do as much as possible within each moment so I was not really takng in all the information provided only skimming through it picking out pieces. I picked up 2 cds a book by Lao Tsu on Tao Te Ching, and a movie called Savages. I was debating on what I should do first when I went home to utilize the amount of time that I had before work. I decided to watch the movie as it is loaned for 2 days. I went home sat down watched the movie and ate. After about an hour in the movie I realized that I needed to buy insulin. I was debating on whether or not to do that now or later, if I did it later it would make it much harder on me. The fucked up point is that I still wanted to sit and watch the movie and I would have if I did not intervene. What happened was the my psychosis moved and as the thought of I want to sit here and finish the movie, the movie said a phrase consisting of "well that's a hard choice". This meaning to me that its fucking OBVIOUS on what I should do. Participating in my wants was more of a `priority` to me. But again the psychosis helped because (I)t allowed me to see what I was participating in and I moved myself to buy insulin because I needed it for the next day.

I got the insulin and went back to my house did dishes and finished that movie lol. I allocated time to pick up my laptop that day and glad I did as it is useful now. I have a virus that I received in an email and had to get it wiped and reloaded. I went to work, and found out that I was supposed to work 2 hours more then what I was expecting and already created a point for my mother to pick me up after work. So I had to find a way around this and as I worked I knew that I had to direct this point effectively. Usually they would not let me off 2 hours earlier, but they were 77 hours underbooked meaning the needed to get people to work those 77 hours so I made a deal with my manager, with me working 9 hours today to get off the 2 hours earlier. Before this happened and before work I was in the break room reading Tao Te Ching and it was calming me down, giving me `peace of mind` = a mind state. As I walked onto the floor to start work I knew again that I had to direct the point and believed that I could now that I had that state of mind. I worked and went to my moms house for food and interenet - a point that I must deal with. And I came here and reloaded my laptop with the software that I was using and created it back to what it was without the virus. Slept 4 hours and now I am here typing this

:) Enjoy