Mar 6th 2011 6:46pm
I have nothing to write about in the context of myself, I have been up for 3 hours and have only been on the computer. I have not lived I am only observing, and I am looking for something to place myself into, I am looking for something to put myself into, I am thinking about smoking so that I may participate in something. I am sitting here looking for something to do, I am bored. I am waiting for work and waiting to go home to my home. I am not applying myself in areas in which I could be…I am looking to stimulate my mind. I am looking to stimulate my mind through cigarettes, skateboarding, I could be reading, but I am not. I am looking for energy. I am not participating in the physical, I am within my mind right now looking for something to attach to in which I can give myself a task within, something that is entertaining though. So this is harmful for me and I am going to read.
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My application
I do not like my application of myself and I am not sure where I am moving to. I feel as though I am stuck right now. I believe that I must be doing something. The problem is that I am not taking responsibility still. I am still sleeping far too much. I do not care when I wake up. I have been at this point for a few days now, I do not feel like doing anything other than sitting down and breathing, waiting for the world to come to me. Again a responsibility point. I am not directing my life properly in these past few days.
I have been sleeping in a lot, Not been eating properly, nor allocating time for everything that I would like to do during the day. I have not been able to write effectively, I am looking out of windows, `staring into space` and not focusing on my writing or getting it done. I have been using bullshit words, just to collect space. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bullshit my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself properly when the situations calls for it. I have been simply giving up for the past few days, I have not been applying breath and have been using excused to not get done what needs to be done. I have been fantasizing a lot, been taking myself away from here. I have not been directing myself. Within all of this I have lost my position. I have lost where I was/am. I do not know where I am right now, I have been simply following along waiting for life to come to me, instead of bringing life to me, directing my life.
The few points that I am stressing about is my writing, my vlogging, sleeping/responsibility, and my care. I have been slacking in my writing..I have not been looking at the entire point, only small points within the point, and within that I have not been able to write very much on the subject and I distract myself quite a bit. I am judging myself for this because I have put value on sticking to this, and if I am not then what the fuck am I doing here? I am judging myself for this because I know that I can put in the effort yet am allowing myself to distract myself and not write effectively. My vlogging is basically the same thing, I have been vlogging but not directing myself within vlogging, It has been scattered and I do not know where to direct it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through/as writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack within my application of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be strict with myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at this without judgment.
I have been slowing down with my writing and been sleeping more. I have not been taking responsibility for writing out a point or vlogging out a point. I have been resisting writing and within this I have been bullshitting my words. I have been thinking a lot forgetting about breath. I feel like myself was going nowhere and that writing myself out had to be planned. I noticed that when it was planned I could look at a point much easier and take it on much easier, and that when It wasn’t planned that I had no direction and spewing bullshit. So I started to plan things again…I still gave up a bit on my application of myself, as I felt like things weren’t going anywhere. I am fantasizing about my life, and where it will go. I have not been placing myself here taking responsibility for being here.
This most certainly has gone on for too long, My responsibility is slacking and I am going to take care of that, I can only do this within breath. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct myself. This responsibility point has been eating at me and I cannot allow this to continue. I am going to write everyday, even if I have not planned it, the not planning is still a plan. It is still a direction. For the most part I do not know what to write about, believing that I must write something extraordinary, or take on a point or something like that and I have noticed that I have not shared my life too much. That is something that I am going to start to do, I have basically been sharing emotions and feelings.
I have been sleeping in a lot, Not been eating properly, nor allocating time for everything that I would like to do during the day. I have not been able to write effectively, I am looking out of windows, `staring into space` and not focusing on my writing or getting it done. I have been using bullshit words, just to collect space. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bullshit my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself properly when the situations calls for it. I have been simply giving up for the past few days, I have not been applying breath and have been using excused to not get done what needs to be done. I have been fantasizing a lot, been taking myself away from here. I have not been directing myself. Within all of this I have lost my position. I have lost where I was/am. I do not know where I am right now, I have been simply following along waiting for life to come to me, instead of bringing life to me, directing my life.
The few points that I am stressing about is my writing, my vlogging, sleeping/responsibility, and my care. I have been slacking in my writing..I have not been looking at the entire point, only small points within the point, and within that I have not been able to write very much on the subject and I distract myself quite a bit. I am judging myself for this because I have put value on sticking to this, and if I am not then what the fuck am I doing here? I am judging myself for this because I know that I can put in the effort yet am allowing myself to distract myself and not write effectively. My vlogging is basically the same thing, I have been vlogging but not directing myself within vlogging, It has been scattered and I do not know where to direct it. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself through/as writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack within my application of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be strict with myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at this without judgment.
I have been slowing down with my writing and been sleeping more. I have not been taking responsibility for writing out a point or vlogging out a point. I have been resisting writing and within this I have been bullshitting my words. I have been thinking a lot forgetting about breath. I feel like myself was going nowhere and that writing myself out had to be planned. I noticed that when it was planned I could look at a point much easier and take it on much easier, and that when It wasn’t planned that I had no direction and spewing bullshit. So I started to plan things again…I still gave up a bit on my application of myself, as I felt like things weren’t going anywhere. I am fantasizing about my life, and where it will go. I have not been placing myself here taking responsibility for being here.
This most certainly has gone on for too long, My responsibility is slacking and I am going to take care of that, I can only do this within breath. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breath and direct myself. This responsibility point has been eating at me and I cannot allow this to continue. I am going to write everyday, even if I have not planned it, the not planning is still a plan. It is still a direction. For the most part I do not know what to write about, believing that I must write something extraordinary, or take on a point or something like that and I have noticed that I have not shared my life too much. That is something that I am going to start to do, I have basically been sharing emotions and feelings.
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