Right now I am working 2 jobs that I do not really mind, I was getting very low hours and decided to switch positions to a facilities shift at the clothing store job, meaning that I clean the washrooms and floors. This position provides guaranteed hours which I like and need, and the work I enjoy as well I move at my own pace and there is absolutely no stress that I create. So that is one job the other is a grocery store job in which things have been rocky. I cannot get done much of the work that they ask me to do, and I feel worried about that believing that I need to get done everything that they ask or they will be frustrated with me. That job I have backchatted within a lot and the consequences are now coming out. They are required to cut hours, and that is what has been done…For the week of Feb 16 I have no hours. If that continues for 4 weeks I get laid off. So I have been directing that point and When I opened up my email I had a job offer from a kijiji add I posted a while ago, so that was perfect timing. I have options here. I can transfer from the one store that I am at to another store where I will get more hours, or I can follow this new job. This new job sounded cool where they are a business that helps middle-class families help allocate their monies, and I suppose sell products that help with that, They do not push their products they only want to help… which is really cool. So that is an opportunity. But the point is that having the grocery store job I will have benefits after another 1 ½ of working there and all of my medicines will be covered 100% which will be very helpful as I am not using some of the tools available because of the expense of them. I am wanting to keep the grocery store job and am going to look into switching stores as my clothing store job is in a mall that has the same grocery store so that could work out pretty well.
That is one point that is going on, another point that is semi-related is my family. I asked my sister to put a word in for me at her store as she works at the same grocery store that is in the mall that my clothing store job is in…fuck it I am going to name names. Clothing store = Old Navy, Grocery store = Zehrs. So I asked her to do that for me and told her that I am going in to talk with a manager from that Zehrs the next time I work at Old Navy, she said that that was not a good idea because they are busy and that I should not pester them…looking at those words she is hiding something, or has a different reason, as they are nto really busy because it is the beginning of the year and all stores are pretty slow. Her reaction most likely is coming from my response to my dad. He sent me a facebook message saying that a smile takes a lot less energy and muscle, and this had been continuing on for sometime….him saying that I need to smile more and that this world isn’t as bad as I say it is, and that there is love and such other positivities, to which I replied that this is unacceptable and that I am not going to smile because you want me to, just to give him some satisfaction of trying to keep me away from the shit in this world, as all parents do. So this whole point has been revolving around my family. My mother is cool with who I am and does not impose too much shit onto me, but my father and sister are one and the same, trying to get me to smile and stop being so `negative`, to which I have been saying fuck off recently to. So I laughed when my sister told me not to pester them because she has been preaching unconditional love and family love for quite a long time to me, and that I should love my family because they are my family. She shows no unconditional love in her trying to keep me away from her…that is most likely the reason, she will not want me working around her, and most likely does not want to see me. This point has been around since I started to participate in and watch desteni videos. My mother over time `gave` in and noticed that this was helping me. My mother gave in because I have been around her since I started, so she has been able to notice a change and since I have been living this now I am able to explain it better to her and talk easier about it. My Father and Sister are still held down by their belief of what desteni is and dislike me participating in it, because of their belief of what it is. So there has been a conflict within my family but slowly they are starting to accept me for what I am doing and not trying to impose anything on me and allowing me to express myself. Slowly they are starting to stop pushing their views onto me.
My physical life is easy, and my mental side is difficult. I was watching a interview from a being (not sure which who) through the portal, and they said that everyone will have an easy mental life and difficult physical life or the other way around to have that polarity of things. So my mental is what I have been dealing with for some time now, trying to figure everything out by thinking, which I have realized does not work, and that only breath can assist me In seeing clearly. I have been trying to figure out my life through thinking, so I have not been looking at the situation clearly, I have not been using common sense to see where I currently am within my participation in this world/system/life. The mental is what I have been focusing on, and trying to get through, as my physical position is enough to support me as life. My life at the moment is ok, I have been working through stress and emotions and feelings to get to me, for me to support me, and working on equalizing myself to the physical as me.
Showing posts with label Family construct. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family construct. Show all posts
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Family Love
My sister is going through a `hard` time in her life. She is in debt, and My father is not supporting her the way she wants to be supported. He is being emotionally abusive, and purposely using his knowledge of my sisters peersonality, to manipulate her emotions. Now I gave her advice to remove herself from him and live on her own...she has the know how and the resources, and to cut him out of her life. She said that she couldn't cut him out because he is family and that family should unconditionally love eachother. To this I laughed and said that I received no love when I spoke about desteni, when I would speak about this world, I was attacked and still am. Like yesterday I was speaking about an Equal money system and Patti took on the advocate of the devil. So I laughed and said there is not unconditional love I have experienced the conditions that need to be met to be `loved`.
Do not fool yourself with family love. Families are quite deceptive in trying to get you to lead you down a set path. Because who better to lead you down the path then the ones who have already been down the path that you are on. You will become like your mother or father, unless you take a stand. The family system is there to manipulate you into believing that you are making a choice for yourself but when really you are living out the same pattern that they have lived out. And If they say there is love, the moment you go against the gang, the cult, the mob, the family, you become ostracized, you become an outcast. If one speaks about something that the family does not share in common one is ousted. Same within friends, if you don't abide by the set actions fo the group one is cut off from the group/exiled. Family love is a lie. Do not be deceived when told be family members that love is within them for you. It is within them for them. It is out of self-interest. No I used to love my sister but within realizing what that love was for her, which was a belief that she is the only one in the world I could relate to, which was out of self-interest of wanting to be accepted and included and relate to someone, I stopped that love for her. I stopped that love for her and stood as myself, and stopped living for her acception of me. I stopped living to please her so that the love will remain. I now stand as myself living for myself speaking for myself, standing in every moment for myself.
Family love is very deceptive, as a child we are brought up to stand with and by the family no matter what. We are not taught to think for ourselves. We are subjected to our parents opinions of what is right or wrong. We then become them. We then become their beliefs and live as their beliefs. When one `steps out of line` one is either brought back in line through force, or let go and that line stays straight, there is no extension within the line to accomodate one. It is black or white...from my perspective, I am sure that there are some instances differently. But look at it this way, If ones family is devout Catholics, and one stands up and stops going to church, stops praying to god, stops worshipping, what happens? Does the family say ok that fine, your choice or opinion and it has no affect on me. Or does the family exclude them immensely from the family, as well as my medial (via media) knowledge of coming out to parents about being gay.
Doesn't always happen but from my medial understanding it is quite frequent. Now ask yourself, where is the family love within all of this? Does it exist unconditionally, or is it subjective and conditional?
Do not fool yourself with family love. Families are quite deceptive in trying to get you to lead you down a set path. Because who better to lead you down the path then the ones who have already been down the path that you are on. You will become like your mother or father, unless you take a stand. The family system is there to manipulate you into believing that you are making a choice for yourself but when really you are living out the same pattern that they have lived out. And If they say there is love, the moment you go against the gang, the cult, the mob, the family, you become ostracized, you become an outcast. If one speaks about something that the family does not share in common one is ousted. Same within friends, if you don't abide by the set actions fo the group one is cut off from the group/exiled. Family love is a lie. Do not be deceived when told be family members that love is within them for you. It is within them for them. It is out of self-interest. No I used to love my sister but within realizing what that love was for her, which was a belief that she is the only one in the world I could relate to, which was out of self-interest of wanting to be accepted and included and relate to someone, I stopped that love for her. I stopped that love for her and stood as myself, and stopped living for her acception of me. I stopped living to please her so that the love will remain. I now stand as myself living for myself speaking for myself, standing in every moment for myself.
Family love is very deceptive, as a child we are brought up to stand with and by the family no matter what. We are not taught to think for ourselves. We are subjected to our parents opinions of what is right or wrong. We then become them. We then become their beliefs and live as their beliefs. When one `steps out of line` one is either brought back in line through force, or let go and that line stays straight, there is no extension within the line to accomodate one. It is black or white...from my perspective, I am sure that there are some instances differently. But look at it this way, If ones family is devout Catholics, and one stands up and stops going to church, stops praying to god, stops worshipping, what happens? Does the family say ok that fine, your choice or opinion and it has no affect on me. Or does the family exclude them immensely from the family, as well as my medial (via media) knowledge of coming out to parents about being gay.
Doesn't always happen but from my medial understanding it is quite frequent. Now ask yourself, where is the family love within all of this? Does it exist unconditionally, or is it subjective and conditional?
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