Appearance and Depression

Apr 27^th 2011
Today I was noticing myself dressing myself up for a look, using style to create an image of myself. I got home and undressed from wet clothes from the rain, and thought about what to wear based on the weather outside. It had stopped raining by then and I thought that it was a bit cold, so I got outside and realized that it was not cold but damn humid and sunny. When I put on the clothes first I wore what I thought was appropriate for the weather, and I did not take sunglasses as I realized that it was for an image. So I got outside and it was humid and a bit sunny, sunny enough for me to squint my eyes, so I used that to justify wearing sunglasses as well I changed from my one shirt to a lighter one but it was primarily based on an image...I have many shirts that are light but I chose this one based on a look.

The starting thought for what I am wearing is based on an image based on an idea of `cool` and sex appeal. During the walk here I was staring at a reflection of myself within mirrors and glass to `check up` on this image that I was trying to keep and maintain. I did not go to the utmost extent and wore glasses only when it was necessary due to the sun, and did not wear them inside to maintain that image at any moment so I did not push myself to keep that image but within walking I certainly tried to upkeep that image and judged myself for any minute detail that I did not like and then became insecure based around that idea of myself to which I laughed at myself because I saw that insecurity and how it was affecting me so I stopped that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear clothes that support an image
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically choose clothes that support an image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use clothing to support an image instead of using them for functionality based on weather and usage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the fashion industry by wanting to look like an image instead of using clothing for functionality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to stare into a mirror to upkeep the image that I try and support as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/want to be an image instead of living here within breath as a human as constant movement within/as sound/physicality.

I started to, after a while, correct my actions. When I noticed that I was moving to support an image based on sex appeal I would stop that action and move within functionality, or just not move myself within that aspect, for instance I would move to tuck my shirt into my pants to support sex appeal and when I moved to do this within the thought I stopped and left it the way it was.

At other times I do not stop myself moving within making my appearance appear a certain way based on clothing etc.

I unconditionally apply myself within stopping defining myself as appearance as it is not important in terms of life and will only move within appearance when moving within the system and my life demands it like an interview etc. And stick to breathing

May 1^st 2011

I have not written consistently in the past few days and from this I have been going into a state of depression. I have been sleeping extensively to attempt to escape this depression. I knew this is coming from the lack of writing because I have been giving into resistances to writing, and have not written what I have wanted to written nor have been assisting myself within process. I have been slacking in process not investigating myself for a few days. So I have been falling slowly but surely and have not been pushing myself through resistances.

I have given into resistances in the past few days, and I have not pushed myself through resistances to writing and gave into sleeping. I have been distracting myself from facing myself with television and sleeping.

Within this I did not get out of my depression, I was looking for ways to make myself happier as I dislike the low energy. So I used sleeping and tv to attempt to give myself the `high` energy.

This depression followed me throughout work as well to a point where I wanted to quit extensively like quitting would make me feel better or place stress off of myself.

So this here is a rededication to again writing daily about myself experiencing myself through my day and to apply effective self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my resistances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances towards writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing is a difficult task
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put writing off to another moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write within the moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write each day
I realize that putting off writing and giving into resistances to writing will only push myself further into falling and in the moment of resisting writing I push myself to write, write whatever comes out, write myself out unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into depression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write thus allowing myself to become depressed at applying myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed apply and investigate myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that depression is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy that I experience is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energetical movements

I dedicate and commit myself to investigating myself unconditionally, to look at how I have created these energetical movements, and I realize that these energetical movements are not me, and that I have created them, and not subject to them. I stick to breathing in moments of depression and unconditionally apply myself to write myself out when depressed to get the movements of depression out of me and unconditionally apply self forgiveness on the depression points. I realize that depression is useless and I only allow it through allowing energetical movements from highs to low so I unconditionally apply myself sticking to breath as me here stopping myself from moving into my mind believing me to be my mind.

Judging Myself

I have been looking at judging myself today as I have noticed that I judge others the way that I judge myself…and I have not noticed this through judging them before. So there are a few things that I judge myself on…Skill, Appearance, Ethnicity, Diligence/commitment, Letting myself Down, Sophistication/Intelligence. These are all things that I have valued, and placed within myself as valuable, and I judge myself to try and create value. So I have valued a positive point, and do not value the negative, so I value being skinny, or fit, or strong, and I do not value fat, out of shape, or weak. So I have feared being weak, I have feared being fat, I have feared being out of shape. So I have created This value on perception and appearance from/by the media. Believing that Being skinny is better than being fat in the sense that you will be more accepted within society…and that is true…they do not make things for fat people, seats on trains, seats on plains, seats in general. Well I am thinking about the extreme example where someone won’t be able to fit into a seat because of their weight. Seats are made for average people. Seats are made for the average man and women, the extreme example are not taken into consideration…it is not equally valued within this world and that is what I fear being…not valued or considered in this world. So I become the system when trying to be skinny and judge others for being fat…not valuing them equally. They are the exact same…I have become the system this world is in this regard. As I have become the average male to try and fit into society…Literally, and by fitting in I have become the system and the system does not value all life equally, does not take into consideration all life equally, and therefore I have not valued all life equally and then judge fatness as myself through fear of not fitting in.

This is all an idea of what is valuable. We are placed into a world where average is accepted. Everywhere. So Me desiring to be accepted by everyone means that I would desire to be average…based on a value system. And it is all within judgment, so I judge fatness I judge skinnyness so I have programmed myself to be average…meaning that I will strive to be average, because I do not allow myself to be fat through fear, and I do not allow myself to be skinny through fear…another example is muscle, and again this is all media implantation. I desire to have muscle, to be defined by muscle, but again not too much because I judge too much muscle as a bad thing…an ugly thing and I do not accept that.

When I judge I look at a `defect` that I see within myself, and place it on another person. I am having trouble writing, I understand the point but am having trouble communicating it. There is a block, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people for my own insecurities, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own insecurities, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own insecurities onto other people.

That s exactly what I do, project my own insecurities onto other people. I try and make myself feel superior where I feel inferior through calling my inferiority within them less than the inferiority within me. This never works as I always will still feel shitty, and inferior to the person that I am judging.

K for example I judged this lady for having a protruding nose, and I have often judged myself for the exact same reason. Having a protruding nose, During a class in high school, A classmate nick named me birdface, so I was called birdface, and started to feel very insecure about this point and from what I remember I was not insecure about this point before. The point is that I will pick out the inferiorities I see within me within them. I will place my own inferiorities onto them. And judge them for it.

So everything that I judge myself for I have placed some type of value on, like clothing, muscle, and idea of value from getting attention or being desired, that if I look a certain way and act a certain way and be perceived a certain way that I will be desired and wanted and within that be accepted in society and my fear of being accepted will not be at the forefront of my mind…but most likely it would. I have placed value on that and it has been supported by the belief and value that the more friends one has the more valuable the person is…popularity. It is a game of popularity…inferiority is. I was reading a magazine that said “they’re just like us” referring to famous people, in order to say that one must believe that they are not like us, one is justifying ones own belief that they are more than us, different, more valuable. Thus one is believing that Famous people are superior to us, that we are all inferior to celebrities, and it is all based on money, that we feel inferior because we do not have as much money, and that we believe that we will never accumulate that amount of money so, we become jealous and need to judge them because we feel so damn inferior. A cool point and an obvious point I was looking at when I was cleaning the washrooms at work. One sees pee as disgusting, from my experience because it belongs to a person, and that person we are defining by a personality, believing I don’t want that person’s piss on me EW…really saying ew to that person. But looking at it in common sense, pee goes through the exact same process in anyones body, it is exactly the same and the personality cannot be attached to it, There it ABSOLUTELY NO difference from one persons pee to anothers. That is equality. So when we find pee or poo disgusting when we do not find our own, we create a belief of who that could have come from and create a value based on our imagination of who that substance came from and then define it as gross….I am sure that a celebrities piss could be sold on Ebay. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imagining of the owner of someones piss and define them as less than me believing that piss to be `gross`, through believing the imagining of the person to be gross. So we all define ourselves as gross then! We can only imagine ourselves, We can only create ourselves, so when we create that person who owns the piss we create an imagination of ourselves being gross. Thus we have defined and separated ourselves from piss as `gross`. There are many points within this that I have not taken on before so I am going to do what I did for desires and pull them out one by one and write and vlog about them, like appearance….appearance is a large on and has very many subcategories, I mean I really cannot see anything else that I judge a person on…So it is all about appearance, with many sub-categories…grammar, clothing, money, intelligence, sophistication, skill, tastes in movies, music, physical shape Ethnicity, Culture, if any more come up I will add and take on all of these, somein the same article some may take up an entire article…not sure yet