2012 Moving myself

Moving myself to get things done requires no involvement whatsoever in energy. I have been writing and writing and writing myself out each morning about my point of myself giving up each night and not being diligent and self-willed to get my homework done, to start to work on the assignment, this also leads to a point of doing things for rewards instead of doing them for me, but more on that another time. I tell myself in the morning that I am going to be self-willed today and work on the things that I have been putting off. That never happens, I get home and decide to watch funnies, entertain myself, and involve myself with the pursuit of happiness.

This pursuit of happiness has allowed me to continue the way that I have been approaching myself in being self-willed. My pursuit of happiness has been the point in which I allow myself to give up, give up myself being directive. I give up being diligent in my realtiy for happiness. The point of happiness goes like  this. I will get home sit down do the minimum that I need to do in order to maintain my reality with desteni and with the other things all the while backchatting about being diligent and within that using energy to maintain myself in the point of illusioned standing. I will then get all of my minimum daily requirements done and then look at the point of pushing myself to be more effective with myself through doing more than the minimum requirements of myself and decide against it pursuing happiness of my own accord.

What has to be approached here is letting go of the pursuit of happiness. I give up for happiness because  I see no happiness in doing the work that I must or in educating myself, although I enjoy it, I see no `happiness` within it and within the pursuit of happiness I then ignore doing what I have to do, and create excuses and justification as to why I should give up and why giving up is a good idea. Happiness here is from the perspective of that smile or laughing or spending, where ebing diligent is sitting with myself here creating myself in new ways in order to learn the material presented here in this reality...happiness is from the perspective of staying in my comfort zone, where diligence and dedication to myself is moving away from my comfort zone. 

In working on my English or desteni or writing a blog or making a vlog I must be here directing myself, not searching for a reward system of/as happiness and a `job well done`. My movements and actions must be for myself in what is best for me, not attempting for a point that I am separating myself from, for example I will reward myself with `downtime` when posting a blog, allowing myself to reward myself thinking I have done a good job and allow myself to move into energy and create an abundance of energy in relation to posting a blog, and from that ignoring myself here.

Thus the pursuit of happiness is quite fucked up. I am not happy I am only dumb. What I participate in in order to maintain my happiness keeps me in my limited shell, thus happiness is limitation from myself as life, thus in order to get shit done I have to let go of my want for happiness, place myself here and fucking do it simply, creating a starting point of myself and not for the search of happiness and letting go for any want or requirement for/as happiness in my life. 

Politeness = Judgment, Supression

Since moving into this new environment, I have been limiting myself within expressing myself through existing as the `expression` of politeness. I have noticed that politeness is only a limitation as I have been limiting myself of expressing myself through my definition of politeness

What I have been doing within the want to be polite is that I have been keeping myself somewhat secluded, I have not asked questions, basically I have been `keeping myself out of the way` so that the others that live in this house will have their same experience.

It is a point of keeping myself so small and `out of the way` that it is like I do not exist. That is what I am attempting to achieve in fact, yet I have only seen this point now in this moment. I am attempting to become as small as possible = have as little effect on the environment as possible so that the experience of the other people that are here will be the `same` for them as they have been living together for their lives and I am `new` to this place.

Through existing within my definition of politeness I am limiting myself by attempting to not been seen or heard, or smelt even lol. In the first day that I was here I felt incredibly uncomfortable due to the `politeness` that I have been existing in, I felt uncomfortable because I was unsure of where to put all of my shit, and I did not want to `impose` myself onto the other people that are living here so I did not ask questions or assist myself through communicating points to the other people here, I kept myself quiet and I allowed myself to suppress myself through/within/as politeness.

When I started to set up my room I was unsure of where to put my stuff as some things of the person who was previously living here were still in here and I did not want to move that stuff around through/as politeness and through/as possession/ownershit,  not seeing the item (It me) for what it was = me as life here as substance in actuality. So I left it there and then moved myself and the shit that I carry with me and use around the item that I was defining as `not mine` and thus I have not `right` to touch it or move it.

At that time I was feeling very overwhelmed with things and was noticing that I was participating in the limitation of/as politeness so I stopped that in that moment and moved the shit that I carry around with me and use to where/how I wanted it to be placed.

Still though I have been limiting myself within my expansion of myself, through trying to make myself as small as can be and thus not `impose` myself onto the people here or this environment. Points that I have been limiting myself within have been hygiene, movement, sounds, placing things in places = taking power over the placement, and food. I have see now that I have been limiting my power as myself through/as expression and power of /as myself here through attempting to make myself as small as possible and attempting to exist like I don’t exist lolol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use politeness as an expression of me when in fact it is a limitation of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear imposing myself onto other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expanding myself within a new environment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that politeness is the best way to act when in `new company`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within being `polite`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for me = wash my clothes, place my hygiene products in the bathroom, or feed myself properly in any and every situation/environment that I place myself within
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself to extensively that I believe it to be polite to limit myself and to attempt to make myself as small as possible to not influence, impose myself onto people or the environment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself unconditionally, through/as living the word joy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself expressing myself unconditionally within as joy through existing within my definition of politeness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself locked in my room = enslaved, through wanting to not be heard and not be seen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and call this `politeness`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay away from the people that live here as well when I move out of my room in attempts to keep myself unheard and unseen, but really judging myself.

When  I start to hide myself I look at what I am trying to hide and I look at what I am judging about it, and if need be I disconnect myself from it and stop attaching any ideas and beliefs unto the action I am doing or about to do. I breathe and simply place myself here as me in the physical, I look at myself ad only live for me. I do what I must and what is best for me. I do not allow myself to judge my actions before hand with projections about what/how I may be perceived. I breathe I do the action I move on.