Ok so what I have related all of this to is the fact that as a kid, I was beat physically. From that point on, there were compounding thoughts from that one moment of being inferior, orsituations where I would allow myself to believe that I was inferior to the other or the situation. When existing in inferiority one is existing at that one side of the polarity. I have constantly allowed myself to feel inferior and express inferiority, I have been constantly through out my life questioning my self value in compared to another. I would question my own answer because another said a different answer and I would value their answer over my own = Inferiority, and non-existent self-value. I allowed myself to believe that I was inferior to my MOTHER, that word is key, for her beating me, I felt as if I had absolutely no power. So in past relationships I have given up all of my power, decisions, my own answers and directed myself through/as the other being because I felt inferior to them, allowed myself to express inferiority, and gave up my power of self, to my own inferiority…I did not give up my power to `them` I can only give it up to my own inferiority. What this Happiness shit and desire for a girlfriend is supported by….It is fascinating how intertwined all of this is….perfectly systematically implanted, through experiences. ..the media and love movies….when I watched a love movie, I allowed myself to feel the emotion that was implied…again there it is a feeling based on an interpretation = thin air = nothing…and I enjoyed that feeling of love…Ah it was called love but all I saw was happiness, so I started to believe that Love was happiness, that it brought great happiness, and so therefore within existing in inferiority for most of my life, I started to think that having a relationship would get me out of this feeling of inferiority, by making me happy…from the perception of polarity….so I started to desire a relationship, girlfriend to support me as inferiority, as me seeing that they are superior to me and capable of supporting me emotionally….That what a relationship has been for me a desire for support EMOTIONALLY, where I believe myself to be inferior and me seeing them as superior/stronger can help me out of the slump of depression that I would exist within, I would want them to `cheer me up`, there is the reliance of support within having a relationship/agreement.
So through my mother beathing me as a child, I then came to rely on my mother..as memory comes up where she tried to throw me on my bed out of anger, whips me by my arm and I am unable to hold myself up…my knees collapse, and I hit my back on the bed frame…within that moment I was extensively hurt, and my mother coming to her `senses` rushes to me and holds me trying to sooth me, this was a bundle of afuck up, as within that moment a person who I relied on `betrayed` me by physically hurting me, and then within that moment I was looking for soothing, some comfort, and I got it from the person who `betrayed` me, so growing up there was a large hate towards my mother, I felt very confused towards her….In the ages of 13-16 I swore extensively at her, I loathed her to no limit, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to abuse another with my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express hate/anger within words. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately try and hurt another with my words. AS well in that span of time I resisted every touch of hers, I hated her touching me, I resisted it entirely/completely. Each time that she would touch me, I felt a sharp pain…I created a sharp pain wherever she touched me, If she hugged me I would be paralyzed like in that moment when she tried to sooth me and would not move, not hug her back, I put up with the hug until it was over…feeling disgusted during the hug. It came to a point where if she tried to touch me I would dodge her touch, I would physically resist that touch, and move away from her hand, and literally dodge myself out of the way of her hand, so that she would not touch me, because of that pain that I manifested each time she touched me. So I have existed as this inferiority in relation to my mother, and I have allowed this to stick with me through out my life. So within existing in inferiority I have existed as sadness…a lot of emotions that are on the `negative` side of the polarity. I have accepted and allowed this within me. I have been searching for something to make me happy, so I have looked and searched for something else to make me happy, not taking resposibilty for my own unhappiness, blaming it on my mother for most of my teenage years. So I saw the solution of being happy having a girlfriend who would love me, and support me, through times of negativity, thus again separating myself from myself and not taking responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my umhappiness on my mother. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself to replace the sorrow that I felt/feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto that feeling of inferiority throughout my entire life. …So this inferiority is related to my suicidal tendencies….as it has come from a point…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even now blame my mother for my inferiority, thus blaming her for my sucicdal tendencies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still exist in inferiority in comparison to my mother. I am going to continue this, I started to rely on a relationship…any relationship to make me happy, I found that I can make myself happy by fantasizing but each time I would come into reality seeing that I do not have happiness in the form of a relationship and thus manifest more sadness, believing myself to be less than a relationship and this is why I do not approach women…FEAR. From watching movies I started to create those same situations within my mind revolving around my life, so that I would feel that happiness, I just got home from work and my mind is a bit fucked, Iwas not breathing correctly during work, no anger though. Getting beat ( I typed brat as a typo) as a kid, I allowed myself to install in feariority within me, I started to fear speaking out and sharing myself through fear of being hit, feeling less powerful then. Her being my mother = female in my life, I started to fear women, yet at the same time desire them. I need to start a new point
When desiring a relationship, I believe that it will bring me happiness, so when I think that someone coming into my life gives the opportunity to start a relationship with I start to fantasize about happiness, as I believe that having a relationship makes one happy, that having a relationship is complete happiness. So I have hated myself for a while, for not being who I want to be, for not being comfortable with myself around others, for all of these fears that I have. So I have developed escape methods and one is fantasizing about `positive` situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about happy situations to escape from myself hating myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for hating myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself, and to do what is best for me as life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of happy/positive projections. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the fact that I am uncomfortable with myself most of the time. Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself, to give myself comfort.
To re-cap getting beat as a child allowed me to create a point within myself of inferiority towards others, as less then and I must be them, as I was beat for being myself for the most part, thus allowing myself to create a point of fearing being myself, thus creating the inferiority. I have existed as that inferiority for most of my life and within that have been constantly looking for happiness, been in the constant pursuit of happiness. As being raised in this system I saw love as complete happiness from fairy tales and kids movies, and at that point started to desire happiness in the form of love, thus then and there creating a point of desiring a relationship to make myself feel happy. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself have an idea of what happiness is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I am happy, Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceice myself by making myself believe that I am happy. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my own movement and decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for validation of myself….I look a the clock/time/numbers to help me confirm myself, and recently this has stopped as I have been more stable as myself, and not looking for that validation but trusting myself to do what is best for me, instead of looking to be guided.
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