Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Who I am around other people

When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.

When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.

When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.

I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me

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