Thursday, April 7, 2011

Lack of Fear Creates Enjoyment

Apr 7th 2011

Today at work I was working with the fear of time constraints, within the fear of being fired, fear of not having money and then the fear of death. The starting point here is fear of death then it grows outwards. During work I usually fear not being able to get done on time, within this I fear being incompetent, thus I then fear being fired, not having enough money and then dieing through lack of money. So today I was moving within/as these fears, when I realized I was doing this IS topped and moved myself for/as myself not caring whether or not I get the work done and removing that fear. I noticed that when I stopped this fear I starting moving a hell of a lot slower and started to breathe more, I became relaxed, my voice changed, my tone of voice changed, and all together myself changed. I relaxed myself and enjoyed myself. There was still backchatting going on, but it was not as hard to stop, as in work previously moving myself quickly trying to get everything done, I have eextensive backchat and I do not stop as I physically do not stop. I was able to stop the backchatting easier and I did not become frustrated with still backchatting. I slowed myself down entirely, and I did not get all of my work done. A starting point within this is asking to be cut. When I started I said if hours need to be cut I would not mind going home early, and within this I had no fear of losing money, I purposely placed myself within it. When I get cut I usually rush again and harder trying to still get everything done knowing that it simply is not possible. So I am going to apply this again tomorrow and stop the backchatting entirely. One way that I have found this helps is to fell the physical, is to purpose feel the physical placing myself on holding the broom, or mop handle and allowing myself to feel the movements. I enjoy the movements as I create them and I enjoy the flow that I can create with the mop. So there is a point that I can enjoy within work so I am going to place myself within that tomorrow and see how that goes, I am going to remove all fears, and am going to notice my backchat more and stop it placing myself within the physical and breathing. So I mean the interesting thing here is the fact that I went slow. I am intrigued by this. Because it is an expression of me. When I do not fear I slow down extensively. In everything that I do. When I was skateboarding today I met up with friends that I have consistently felt inferior to and within this I was rushing trying to run from the fear lol. So I realized this and placed myself as myself and enjoyed the movement more, yet I still accepted the inferiority and quickly again fell into that fear thus again attempting to run from it by pushing myself to skate `harder` same point within work, instead of facing the fear I push myself harder physically to escape the fear. As well I do not try `hard` tricks that I cannot land consistently, I like to do many tricks that I can land consistently to keep that flow `alive`. It is a lot more enjoyable that way because I can continue in motion instead of trying to trick and failing 5 out of 10 tries to which I then have to start the motion all over again. I enjoy keeping the motion alive and then trying a difficult trick eventually, not just jumping right into the difficultness. So yes I `fell`. I learned from it and I am going to skateboard for MY enjoyment, as I was skateboarding today I was doing tricks to be noticed as `skillful` rather than doing it for my own enjoyment of the activity. So simply I am going to skate for my enjoyment, not to be noticed as good or bad, Ah as well I noticed that I judged myself extensively while skateboarding in public, degrading myself for not landing a trick, so that other people will see me get frustrated and think that not landing the trick was acceptable through my frustration which I laugh at now. :) because it is ridiculous. I noticed that that is a main poijt for my while skateboarding which is doing it for attention :))) Quest to be seen = Quessy. So again my enjoyment does exist in this yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy myself and that is what I am going to place myself in doing in skateboarding from now on.

So In an equal money system People will simply Enjoy work!!! as there will be no fear

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