Backchatting at Work and Co-workers

I have purposely placed the word `Co-workers` to invite and entice my co-workers to read this. My blog is an exposure of me showing the reality of myself to anyone who reads it myself included. It it is process of self-realization of who and how I have become what I have become, and an process of self-investigation, so yes there are topics in my blog which are the most intimate moments with/as myself. Read if you want
Enjoy

Feb 23rd 2011 11:15am


A co-worker today told me that he has been reading my blog. I laughed and was embarrassed as there is much personal stuff on there and felt very vulnerable in that moment. I have found out that other co-workers have read it as well. So looking at this, sure I am completely vulnerable through this and now I am going to have to watch what I say…It will never be about others but it could definitely be about my job.

I have been breathing and removing myself from backchatting today. I have been placing myself within the physical. I have in the past few days been very exhausted after work because of the backchatting that I have been doing while at work, so I decided to really push myself within this today. I was able to stop it quite frequently. I definitely did not stop it completely, I stopped it and was able to focus on myself within breath and within my body, and got out of my mind and the ideas and situations that I was creating within my mind. There was a long moment where I was getting wuite frustrated at myself for participating in backchatting and not stopping it. I would loop the fuck out of myself always participating in the past and observing the past which extensively fucked me up. I would think stop backchatting then look at that thought, think about the fact that I looked at the thought `stop backchatting` and this would lead into infinity and I would get completely frustrated for not stopping, and I would have to stop everything and just breathe or I would have gone fucking insane. This lasted until I realized that I have to completely let go of the backchatting and not judge myself nor look back and participate in the current moment the moment I breathe and completely let go of the backchatting that I was holding onto. This resulted in no frustration, I disregarded the past as the past and moved on within breath. This is helping me to not get angry and to not get frustrated about backchatting, believing that I must stop it. Instead of believing that I must stop it which infinitely loops me within the past, I actually stop it. Meaning I stop it within the breath and moment I become aware of myself backchatting, instead of believing that I must stop it, within believing that I must stop it I look at the past and judge myself within the belief that I must stop it thus infinitely looping me within the past. So I removed the infinite loop I was creating for myself and placed myself within the physical as breath each moment I caught myself, instead of worrying about what I have done in the past. So cool experience there, as I have stopped much of my backchatting, and cause of my frustration within my mind.

During the moment The co-worker told me he read my blog, I was quite nervous…and embarrassed, not being able to `hide` any longer. Not being able to hide the fact that I am part of desteni…which is quite cool as he actually looked into desteni, he said he watched anti-desteni and as soon as I heard the word desteni come from a person who does not participate in desteni, I was weirded out…lol. It was not `normal` to me, I have not heard anyone say desteni outside of desteni before with such non-chalance. So This shows that I am still living a `double life` where I do not incorporate both my personality and what I must do within the system and desteni as speaking about reality and truth, and what Really exists as this world as us as humans.

It was interesting to hear someone speak to me about desteni. After that happened I went into thoughts about how I must now watch what I say when blogging/vlogging, but I really do not. I have been allowing myself to write whatever and now only the information and knowledge that people in my direct reality are reading my blog in limiting me. So shows was knowledge and information does, it only limits ones ability to perceive reality.

I have been possessed by this point, Worrying what others at work are now thinking about me and there are a few things that I must realize. 1 I do not change through a different idea within another, meaning that just because another now `sees` `perceives` `thinks` about me differently, I do not change, I stay the same as the physical. If someone has a `new` idea about me it is just an idea, not real I stay the same as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an idea. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am physical here as all equal to all physical existence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect myself with thoughts.

2 Only I allow this affect to exist within me. I accept and allow myself to be affected by others thoughts through backchatting about the fact that others now `know` something `more` `different` about me. Backchatting about a belief that others may hold now towards me through knowledge information perception and judgment . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information by judging myself, by creating a perception of myself and by defining myself through knowledge and information.

I am allowing myself to worry how I will handle this event, as many points about me are now vulnerable that I did not allow myself to expose unconditionally in every moment of and as myself. So be it. It does not matter, I will take the conflict if any exist, any judgment if existent, and handle it with self-honesty. That is all that I can do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to people. I forgivemyself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally expose myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from certain people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separate personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created myself as personality. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my/the environment for creating myself as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as personality.