This morning I found it incredibly hard to get up. I pushed the snooze button and was grateful for its existence. I was at the point of sleeping in more and then sleeping too much and then being late for work, so the snooze button was an excellent use in that moment. I got up after the alarm went off again and got up slowly. I made breakfast and knew that this day was going to be a difficult day for me because I was allowing myself to feel tired because of the physical movements that I had to do when I did not want to do them. I walked to work and within that I escaped the majority of the walk. I took myself out of the physical moment reality, and placed myself in a desired situation which was thinking about sleep and food when I were to get home. I got to work and was not wanting to be there in that moment, I was placing an idea of myself of wanting to sleep and to not want to be wherever I was within and as me. At work I was working incredibly slowly, very sluggish. Not try to do my work at all, simply accessing the system and program I was running within me and allowed it to run me, as I placed myself in a place that was not real within ideas and beliefs and ideal situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a system and a program within me to not face myself in the moment here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself of the current moment.
I was allowing myself to participate in this feeling through the anticipation of the physical movements that I had to do within the day. I was placing myself within walking back to my house, and placing myself within walking to the library, and placing the idea of myself as being weak within and as that, so I became very depressed and unhappy to have to do all of that. I was not placing myself within the moment. I was very sluggish and not caring about my work, not giving myself the energy to move through work. I ended up sleeping for a short while when working, so that I could lol not be here. The lol is because when I opened my eyes I thought…”right I am still here”. I was dreaming and placing myself in a different reality, and when I awoke I was not thrilled in realizing reality. I realized that I was still at work and that I had to do work. So I got up and started to do my work. A bit more energized yet still not happy with the fact of being where I was and not being in a place of comfort and one where I can relax myself physically.
I noticed that I was doing this and texted my mom to see if she could pick me up…As well I have been desiring for the spring to arrive so that I can either bike or skateboard to work…biking is a lot quicker, and I would simply enjoy skateboarding to work as I get to do tricks along the way. She said that she could and within that one moment of knowing that I went out of my slump. I realized that I knew that I would be `supported` within not having to walk. I was happy that I was helped out so I did not have to walk home. And in that moment everything changed which is interesting. I did not have to rely on myself any longer…literally rely on myself to move myself. I could rely on another being. I simply wanted to lay back and allow the world to move around me when I was not being here. Unfortunately I was allowing myself to not be here and willingly accepting that fact, instead of questioning it and looking at it in common sense. This is a point of not wanting to support myself again. I could have taken the bus but I do not enjoy the money factor of taking the bus, it would cost be either $60 or $100 a month for bus fare…60 for a pass and 100 if I were to not have a pass and free if I walk. This greed has to go and I justify it with I can have an extra 60 to spend on food or save. Pubic transportation needs to be free! I can either complain or take responsibility for this point…somedays I am fine with walking and feel up to it other days I simply to not. So the common sense point would to be to take the bus on days that I do not feel up for walking.
Anyways the whole point within this is the fact that I did not place myself here and I allowed myself to fantasize about being elsewhere, and that there are options that are available yet I allow the Mind Consciousness System to influence me and my decision instead of looking at the fact within common sense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here thorugh thinking about somewhere I would `rather` be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here through placing myself as an idea of myself within a moment or situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of how I need/should be within a specific situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as that idea of needing to be/should be a certain specific expression within a specific situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about desires.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within a system and/or program and run it within me so that I do not have to face this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this world, this life, this existence through purposely not facing t.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself here.
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