Lack of Fear Creates Enjoyment

Apr 7th 2011


Today at work I was working with the fear of time constraints, within the fear of being fired, fear of not having money and then the fear of death. The starting point here is fear of death then it grows outwards. During work I usually fear not being able to get done on time, within this I fear being incompetent, thus I then fear being fired, not having enough money and then dieing through lack of money. So today I was moving within/as these fears, when I realized I was doing this IS topped and moved myself for/as myself not caring whether or not I get the work done and removing that fear. I noticed that when I stopped this fear I starting moving a hell of a lot slower and started to breathe more, I became relaxed, my voice changed, my tone of voice changed, and all together myself changed. I relaxed myself and enjoyed myself. There was still backchatting going on, but it was not as hard to stop, as in work previously moving myself quickly trying to get everything done, I have eextensive backchat and I do not stop as I physically do not stop. I was able to stop the backchatting easier and I did not become frustrated with still backchatting. I slowed myself down entirely, and I did not get all of my work done. A starting point within this is asking to be cut. When I started I said if hours need to be cut I would not mind going home early, and within this I had no fear of losing money, I purposely placed myself within it. When I get cut I usually rush again and harder trying to still get everything done knowing that it simply is not possible. So I am going to apply this again tomorrow and stop the backchatting entirely. One way that I have found this helps is to fell the physical, is to purpose feel the physical placing myself on holding the broom, or mop handle and allowing myself to feel the movements. I enjoy the movements as I create them and I enjoy the flow that I can create with the mop. So there is a point that I can enjoy within work so I am going to place myself within that tomorrow and see how that goes, I am going to remove all fears, and am going to notice my backchat more and stop it placing myself within the physical and breathing. So I mean the interesting thing here is the fact that I went slow. I am intrigued by this. Because it is an expression of me. When I do not fear I slow down extensively. In everything that I do. When I was skateboarding today I met up with friends that I have consistently felt inferior to and within this I was rushing trying to run from the fear lol. So I realized this and placed myself as myself and enjoyed the movement more, yet I still accepted the inferiority and quickly again fell into that fear thus again attempting to run from it by pushing myself to skate `harder` same point within work, instead of facing the fear I push myself harder physically to escape the fear. As well I do not try `hard` tricks that I cannot land consistently, I like to do many tricks that I can land consistently to keep that flow `alive`. It is a lot more enjoyable that way because I can continue in motion instead of trying to trick and failing 5 out of 10 tries to which I then have to start the motion all over again. I enjoy keeping the motion alive and then trying a difficult trick eventually, not just jumping right into the difficultness. So yes I `fell`. I learned from it and I am going to skateboard for MY enjoyment, as I was skateboarding today I was doing tricks to be noticed as `skillful` rather than doing it for my own enjoyment of the activity. So simply I am going to skate for my enjoyment, not to be noticed as good or bad, Ah as well I noticed that I judged myself extensively while skateboarding in public, degrading myself for not landing a trick, so that other people will see me get frustrated and think that not landing the trick was acceptable through my frustration which I laugh at now. :) because it is ridiculous. I noticed that that is a main poijt for my while skateboarding which is doing it for attention :))) Quest to be seen = Quessy. So again my enjoyment does exist in this yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy myself and that is what I am going to place myself in doing in skateboarding from now on.

So In an equal money system People will simply Enjoy work!!! as there will be no fear

Videogame Time-loop and Acheiving

Mar 5th 10:04am 2011


I am re-downloading a game right now and I have gone through this point many times of buying a game system and then removing it from my reality, and then getting another one and doing the same and downloading and deleting games. I asked myself why I am I going through this. I have been doing this because I have wanted to `achieve` something through the games, to `accomplish` something to make myself something more than what I am. I have not played the game to simply play the game, the point has always been to achieve something. This I now see even within skateboarding. It has been to accomplish something, to land a new trick, or to learn a new trick, or beat someone in a game of skate, I have recently been correcting this, yet that point still is relevant. I go skateboarding to do something I never have done before, to make myself an idea of more of learning something new, but it has always been me, always been within me…just had to find it and realize it. I have been now starting it out of self expression of me and the board and the movement as one, not trying to create anything, allowing myself to simply express myself. I find that I enjoy this much more as I am not expecting anything from myself and I have noticed that I learnt new tricks while doing this, as I did not push myself to try it only allowed myself to feel the board and allow myself to move myself on how the trick `should` move.

This is within the game as well, I play the game to upgrade the avatar, to make the character more and moer and more and more. This is a point of greed as well. So expressing myself within the game, we will see. I am not going to try to achieve anything…just allow myself to move myself through the game just like skateboarding now. And If I get tired then I stop…just like skateboarding now. To express myself within/as a video game, to have a goal is not the purpose, as I will be directed and limited to that goal, to simply play the game is self-expression. And to experience myself within the videogame as the videogame.

To want to acheive something as within a hobbie or a activity is separating yourself from that achieve, as you are trying to get to it, not realizing that is already here as yourself, you just need to realize it as yourself. For example to want to land a trick, I am placing that trick separate from myself, moving myself to try and acheive that trick, not placing that trick as myself here realizing that I am the trick and within that not realizing that I make the trick...I do not acheive it.

So the starting point of wanting to achieve something is dishonest as it is in separationn of self

Looking for Stimulation within energy

Feb 23rd 2011 4:15pm


I m wrting here with nothing to write about, know ideas of what to write just myself and the computer and movement. I do not know what to write about, I have no certainty, so I must decide. There has not been anything about myself that is worth writing about. I did not nap today, I have been losing myself in backchatting while at work. I have been reading a introduction to politics book, that I did not return to my highschool. I have been breathing differently.

The breath that I am using, is one that is quick and strong and shallow. I am using this to stop my my thoughts and focus on myself as breath. Instead of using the same pattern of breathing, I have been using this type of breath and it has been working quite effectively and I am enjoying myself within/as it. I was ignoring my thoughts using this breath at first, but I have been using it to stop them and move past them. What would happen is backchatting is I would know that a thought is coming up or a judgment or whatever and I would breathe but not stop the thought, I would still allow it to pass, within this breath I find it easier to focus on myself as breath and within breath and not focus on myself within the mind stopping myelf within the mind. Stopping myself within the mind means placing myself within the physical. I have been doing it differently - stopping myself while still being in the mind. Stopping myself within the mind and not stopping my participation within the mind. I stopped myself within the mind out of fear. A good example of this was while I was at work a while ago I was fighting with yawning, I felt it coming and wanted to stop it I was fighting with it and it came further and I had to completely stop myself physically, it was a robot shutting down, just stopping within one moment everything, freezing myself. I stopped the yawn then and there and then continued my work. I did not stop myself from participating in the mind, I stopped the mind as me. I was fearing yawning in that moment. I did not place myself in the physical as breath, I just stopped like a fucking robot. Stopping the mind will not do anything, as I power it, I must stop myself from participating within the mind. I am not the mind so stopping myself within the mind is only temporary, obviously when I do that I `shut down` and when I place myself in the physical I start becoming aware of my breath and my presence here.



Feb 23rd 2011 4:34pm

I realized that I was participating in energetics. I noticed that I was watching skateboarding videos and not focusing on myself or reading desteni material or watching videos or doing something productive. I was within an energy of `hyperness` and I was not placing myself here within that or stopping myself within that. I calmed myself down and allowed myself to place myself here. And within this I am much more directive. I am not directed by the energy in which I would have been watching or looking for something to `stimulate` me. I noticed this only when it came to a point where I did not know where to go. I have been to all of the sites that I usually go to for skateboarding `news` and was still feeling antsy, I was thinking about playing a video game and applying myself in that direction and decided against it, I then thought…`where do I place myself then`? Meaning where do I place myself with all of the energy that I am within right now. Within that moment I realized that I was participating in energy and this was limiting me from writing myself out effectively as writing does not `stimulate` me. I slowed myself down with a slower breath. So I used energy within breath and slowed myself down and removed it with breath. It is aswell as an `awareness` of myself here. I placed myself here instead of within the energy looking for something to stimulate myself with within that energy. I was looking for something to place myself within as the energy, so that I could `feel` something. I do this frequently with skateboarding. On the walk to work is when I do it the most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I am in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from participating in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within breath, within the physical when I am participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to calm myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here through participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value within doubt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place value within life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place value within the physical expression of myself.

A Cool Day

Yesterday I enjoyed. I woke up and did my morning routine. I started to write about rape and got through writing that. I was waiting for the library to open so I started to watch tv to pass some time. I ended up falling asleep. I allowed myself to sleep because I did not having anything of perceptual value to do. I did not have another task in my day so I waited. I slept to wait. I woke up when the library was to open and did not care about getting up or not. I stayed asleep. I kept on sleeping through the day and woke up at noon. I went to the library and posted some blogs and wrote and watched videos. I was trying to use up my time as best I could since I had slept a lot longer than anticipated.


After a 2 hours at the library I had an urge to not continue pushing myself in the direction of abuse to myself in watching videos and forcing myself to write trying to be an idea of myself within writing and to let go and participate in something I enjoy. I called up my friend and went skateboarding. I was looking at myself when being around my friend. I noticed that I was being a yes man. At times I did not even look at his words and said yes or agreed about something. I observed this and stopped it within the moment, but it came back.

We went skateboarding in a walkway. We played a game of lines, after we warmed up. In the walk way there are three segmented sections divided by a small strip of metal embedded into the concrete. We each take a turn in doing tricks over these three strips of metal, to create a `line`. If someone lands all three tricks the other has to copy it. Looking at this the word Has to is not self-expressionate. There is not competition in this game. It is simply to express yourself in three tricks. They do not have to be hard or complex it is only up to self, and since there is no winning or losing, for me at least, I do not try to do hard tricks I simply stuck to what I felt within the moment according to the movement of me and the board. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Within me there is no want to win, and the fact of copying his tricks is cool as well because it takes me out of my comfort zone, I learned a trick a few weeks ago because of copying his line. The goal isn’t to do hard tricks so that the other will fuck up and `lose` but to express yourself as you want to.

After we got done we went for a coffee and started talking about some random things and skateboarding. I looked at my cell phone and asked him if he thought if cell phones should be free. I said this because in that moment I saw it as a necessity right now in this world to communicate. The abuse that it is currently being used as is extensive to the point where 2 people are walking together and both are texting. But It is an absolute useful tool within this world. And I saw it as a necessity and asked him if he saw it as the same and should money limit one from having a cell phone.

This was absolutely cool. I segued into talking about an Equal Money system, and what was even cooler was the fact that he had no reaction to it. He said simply if that would come into existence that would be awesome, that would solve a lot of problems. He understood it completely and understood the beneficial purpose of it. So I think that I am going to introduce him to desteni as when I was open about desteni before, this was about 2-3 years ago, I was telling him that his pants are aware that they are pants and that they can communicate about their existence of/as pants. I told him about toilet paper communicating through the portal and he said he wanted to know what toilet paper talked about. I never pursued this further but now am confident that he can comprehend the material. A cool question he thought of and it was that are all entertainment materials going to be equally valued? To this I had no answer, so for example is a 50’ TV going to be the same as a 20’. I had no answer but the answer is no. Simply people will get paid the same…and the prices stay relevant as they are today. People will simply be paid the same creating equality through labour credits. Meaning that everyone working a different job will get paid the same for the amount they work, and all of the prices of products will still be the same, thus creating an equality between purchasing power…so people will work the exact same amount to purchase the exact same thing. Simple now that I see it. I enjoyed the fact that he could understand the benefits on an EMS.

After this I went over to my moms house to use the internet more, she has been quite generous at letting me do this. I got a text from a friend who I rarely talk to and honestly this was my first time actually getting to know her. She used to hang around us when we skateboarded, then she went into rehab for drinking and drugs. I ran into her a while ago and asked how she was doing, we got onto the topic of self, and quitting smoking, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up again sometime, as we enjoy talking about ourselves and the experiences we’ve gone through - lol for me it is ego. She has texted a few times before and I have been busy. I could have decided to not meet her and stay home to write and or watch videos, but I rathered go out and doing something.

Talking with her was enjoyable as I do not have too many people in my life in which sharing self exists. So we talked and we were able to share ourselves quite easily, from my perspective. I was surprised that she would end up sharing herself the way she was, because she seemed to hide a lot of shit a year ago when we met. It is cool to see someone go through that transformation and realize themselves. We got to talking about self and how we each experienced ourselves and we got to the topic of self-forgiveness which was again surprising to me because I have not experienced speaking about SF outside of desteni forums or anything of the like. We were open with eachother and allowed ourselves to push eachother through somethings…again I opened myself to my most intimate and repressed experience of having sex with my best friend when I was adolescent, which shows me that I am no longer repressing that, again that was surprising because she is a person who I have defined as a `other friend` where I would live my other life, but the desteni life is taking over . As well it shows that I am becoming more intimate with myself unconditionally. As well I helped her push through point of being more specific with herself and opening points within herself through specificity.

After that I went home and wrote abit more on the topic of EMS and the Zeitgeist movement then went to sleep. I enjoy actually living my life rather than constantly participating on the computer. Writing is a awesome tool and the environment that destonians have created is also awesome, but I am not going to allow myself to only have that environment on the computer, I am incorporating it into my reality in everyway.