Living in the past and looping

Mar 1st 2011 5:40pm


I am now laying down with my eyes heavy learning to type on this keyboard with a napkin wrapped around one finger. I cut myself on a cheese grater fairly deep on my `ring` finger on my right hand right on the knuckle. At the time I was washing dishes and watching tv. I was getting distracted by the tv, and not focusing on myself within breath. This has been happening all day today…I have not focused and allowed myself to fall into my mind. The start of my day was getting up and finding out that my laptop was broken. I solved it through vlogging and not limiting myself further within spending money. I was wide awake and creating happiness this morning and holding onto that happiness. I started to become frustrated with myself for holding onto that happiness. I was allowing the past to affect me. I would look at the fact that I was holding onto the past as happiness within a new moment, meaning I would stop and look at what I just did which is the past and then become angry and try and correct the past instead of unconditionally letting go. I become fearful as well, as I was able to let go immediately a few days ago and I was fearful that I would not be able to apply that again, I was too mindfucked by fear and the past to let go of anything within that moment. So I got frustrated at work. I was possessed heavily by my ego, I was constantly holding up an idea of myself and backchating that idea and then I would get frustrated at allowing myself to backchat. Always existing in the past of myself, and looping myself within that frustration. A few days ago I was able to let go of all frustration and focus on myself within the physical, so I suppose it was not real as it did not stand the test of time. I became frustrated at myself as well for not living up to my expectations of that past, meaning I was trying to re live the experience I had when I was not frustrated and allowing myself to stop backchatting and breathe.

I was in and out of breath and realizing that I was out of breath again frustrated me at the fact of `not finding` myself in breath. I was very unfocused during work, too focused on women. Women are a large distraction point for myself, and I catch myself thinking and fantasizing quite frequently. That is going to stop from here out. I am breathing through all of this shit and placing and making sure I stay in breath. There is a fear of repeating past patterns. I usually find something of myself and then `lose` it. It is usually a feeling and an experience of myself and that is what it usually is. Breathing as myself here I force myself within breath, I do not allow myself to simply breathe. It seems as though I must allow myself to breathe on my own, yet while I was breathing I was able to stop backchatting quite frequently and focus on myself in the physical, so I have trusted that result, as I ended up in breath within the physical. That was the desired outcome…It is a desire, so no I am dishonest somewhere within this application of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being in the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as myself as breath in the physical through desiring it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am and always have been here within the physical, and that it is not separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing myself here within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my fear of myself backchatting.

Memory Enslavement of MYself

Feb 20th 1:37pm 2011


I have been experiencing a thought in which I think more and try to define myself within that thought, that though being I do not know how to experience myself in this moment. I now see that within those words I create the experience of myself. When I think that thought I start to think about how I must experience myself within that moment. Should I experience myself as less than, more than, weak, strong…what is going on in terms of the outer world, and how should I relate myself to the outer world through my past in deifning myself as the experience I believe I should be within this current moment. That is the thought and thoughts that come up when this happens. I think about how I should be within that moment and how I should create myself as within the moment in relation to my past. It is absolutely habitual. It comes `naturally` I mean automatically. I define myself as the experience through a past memory of myself, and define the outer situation through a past memory as well so that I can relate it to something as myself through my past and then within that make myself as the experience I was within that past memory. Ok so for example: I will not know how to experience myself in a moment…that is the thought that comes up. I will then look at the outer experience/situation, and relate that to some part of my past. I will then look at how I have defined myself within that past situation and then place the experience of myself accordingly. Again this is automatic. I find it hard to stop this. When I breathe through this there is not thought nor any reaction or any experience of myself. It is a lot `nicer` to be within breath that is for sure.

I will run through many experiences within the moment of uncertainty of myself, and `grab` one that is relatable, and then define myself as that experience in the current moment. When I breathe I stop and place myself here directing myself which is cool, as there is no uncertainty nor any question of who I am within the moment, nor any definition, I only am here within the moment. That is how I have defined and enslaved myself to the past = within uncertainty of myself. I have trusted my past to define myself within the moment. Why? Why is my past reliable? Because it has already happened and the now is happening unknowingly, so I use the past to `prepare` myself to for the future of the current moment by defining myself as a past experience that I `know` myself within and believe that the current moment will play out the same way as the memory…or I Create it that way by placing myself as a memory. That is the answer I have come up with yet the past is not reliable because it does not exist now, the present is unknowable, so to rely on the past to define myself within the present is useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within a past experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on a memory of myself to define myself and experience myself within the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto myself as past memories to rely on as a tool to define myself within the current moment and experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to a memory of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information as a past memory of myself to rely on defining myself within the current situation/moment/experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself within breath within each moment new allowing myself to experience myself within the present moment thus not being a slave to my own creation of myself as memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `remember` myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to enslave myself within loops of myself by allowingymself to place myself as a memory, believing that the situation is going to play out the same way as the memory, when really I am creating it to play out the same way through placing myself as a memory, enslaving myself to that experience of myself, allowing it to loop, thus enslaving myself to a pre-program of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I enslave myself and create my reality as loops thorough placing myself as a memory of myself.