Living in the past and looping

Mar 1st 2011 5:40pm


I am now laying down with my eyes heavy learning to type on this keyboard with a napkin wrapped around one finger. I cut myself on a cheese grater fairly deep on my `ring` finger on my right hand right on the knuckle. At the time I was washing dishes and watching tv. I was getting distracted by the tv, and not focusing on myself within breath. This has been happening all day today…I have not focused and allowed myself to fall into my mind. The start of my day was getting up and finding out that my laptop was broken. I solved it through vlogging and not limiting myself further within spending money. I was wide awake and creating happiness this morning and holding onto that happiness. I started to become frustrated with myself for holding onto that happiness. I was allowing the past to affect me. I would look at the fact that I was holding onto the past as happiness within a new moment, meaning I would stop and look at what I just did which is the past and then become angry and try and correct the past instead of unconditionally letting go. I become fearful as well, as I was able to let go immediately a few days ago and I was fearful that I would not be able to apply that again, I was too mindfucked by fear and the past to let go of anything within that moment. So I got frustrated at work. I was possessed heavily by my ego, I was constantly holding up an idea of myself and backchating that idea and then I would get frustrated at allowing myself to backchat. Always existing in the past of myself, and looping myself within that frustration. A few days ago I was able to let go of all frustration and focus on myself within the physical, so I suppose it was not real as it did not stand the test of time. I became frustrated at myself as well for not living up to my expectations of that past, meaning I was trying to re live the experience I had when I was not frustrated and allowing myself to stop backchatting and breathe.

I was in and out of breath and realizing that I was out of breath again frustrated me at the fact of `not finding` myself in breath. I was very unfocused during work, too focused on women. Women are a large distraction point for myself, and I catch myself thinking and fantasizing quite frequently. That is going to stop from here out. I am breathing through all of this shit and placing and making sure I stay in breath. There is a fear of repeating past patterns. I usually find something of myself and then `lose` it. It is usually a feeling and an experience of myself and that is what it usually is. Breathing as myself here I force myself within breath, I do not allow myself to simply breathe. It seems as though I must allow myself to breathe on my own, yet while I was breathing I was able to stop backchatting quite frequently and focus on myself in the physical, so I have trusted that result, as I ended up in breath within the physical. That was the desired outcome…It is a desire, so no I am dishonest somewhere within this application of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being in the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as myself as breath in the physical through desiring it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am and always have been here within the physical, and that it is not separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing myself here within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my fear of myself backchatting.

Please...Get the fuck out of my way

So the title kind of explains what I am going to write about.
Today that has been my expereince, joining it a tingling in my knees and a not being able to stay still when that feeling occurs. It has been relating to my environment and not being able to stand it. Not being able to stand within it. The knee point in Veno's structural resonance document is the thoughts, personality, knowledge - memory based mind aspects. I have been taking on this point recently in stopping myself from escaping commuting....I have been writing my day out for about a week and noticed a pattern of escape. I have taken on this point and it has been mostly occuring when I am commuting, trying to escape the time/space construct. This is a memory based point as I will always project and fantasize about memories and ideas.

As well I did not allow myself to smoke today. I am taking on the wants = happiness, and the not getting what I want = unhappiness point within myself. I wanted and desires and was tempted to have a cigarette but I did not give in, and was feeling very unwilling to do anything today, I did not want to move, write, watch videos, movies, tv, I just wanted to sit and think, I didn't even want to think, I wanted everything to go and allow myself to escape. I could not stand being here for too long in the environment that I am in. I could not stand the cold for long, I got cold and rushed to get inside when I would walk the dog (molly). Like I could not take it when I got inside, I rushed to get all of my outerwear off and shoes off so that I would not be touching anything cold, sit down and place myself in a comfortable position and sit under a blanket and watch videos, or read articles etc.

There was a point where I made food and went to sit down by the computer and had no place to put my food. I got anxious at `needing` to put my food down and the fact that I could not position everything right the way it was, and position myself within that to set up a comfortable position where I could eat and use the computer made that feeling within myknees come up and I could not stand my environment not `suiting` me, suiting me meaning fitting me in. So I had to stop breathe and move the environment differently. I was about to sweep everything off of the table and just sit, and be done with it. It comes from accumulating not cleaning up after myself. I leave it until I literally cannot put anything more down or whenever I think it is too crowded with shit, then I rearrange or clean up. This time I did not clean up in time and had too much shit scattered, all it took was some rearranging and I was able to set my food down, but again I could not stand the fact that I was not allowing myself to place myself effectively within my environment.

I am forgetting things much more. Usually I have everything I need on me = Wallet, Keys, Cellphone. Recently I have forgotten my keys a few times, when I have needed them. As well as my cell phone. I am relating this to not effecitvely placing my environment around me allowingmyself to have on my what I need.

I do not know exactly where this is stemming from but tomorrow will be another day without a cigarette, and I can check if it comes from that. I am going to start cleaning up after I eat, or use something, and see where that takes me, as there is shit on the table right now, and it is limiting my mobility....That is it. My mobility being limited. The cold I allow it to limit my mobility...not wanting to be cold so I do not move to the point where my skin touches a new part of the jacket, I keep it in one place thus keeping that same place warm and keeping my warmish. So I limit myself within my mobility,through the cold. and the shit on the table is limiting my mobility, Mobile phone so that I am able to connect with people wherever I go and the keys are what allow my to move around more effectively. So again the title of the post was get out of my way, so that I am able to move....Claustrophoic. Cool.