Living in the past and looping

Mar 1st 2011 5:40pm


I am now laying down with my eyes heavy learning to type on this keyboard with a napkin wrapped around one finger. I cut myself on a cheese grater fairly deep on my `ring` finger on my right hand right on the knuckle. At the time I was washing dishes and watching tv. I was getting distracted by the tv, and not focusing on myself within breath. This has been happening all day today…I have not focused and allowed myself to fall into my mind. The start of my day was getting up and finding out that my laptop was broken. I solved it through vlogging and not limiting myself further within spending money. I was wide awake and creating happiness this morning and holding onto that happiness. I started to become frustrated with myself for holding onto that happiness. I was allowing the past to affect me. I would look at the fact that I was holding onto the past as happiness within a new moment, meaning I would stop and look at what I just did which is the past and then become angry and try and correct the past instead of unconditionally letting go. I become fearful as well, as I was able to let go immediately a few days ago and I was fearful that I would not be able to apply that again, I was too mindfucked by fear and the past to let go of anything within that moment. So I got frustrated at work. I was possessed heavily by my ego, I was constantly holding up an idea of myself and backchating that idea and then I would get frustrated at allowing myself to backchat. Always existing in the past of myself, and looping myself within that frustration. A few days ago I was able to let go of all frustration and focus on myself within the physical, so I suppose it was not real as it did not stand the test of time. I became frustrated at myself as well for not living up to my expectations of that past, meaning I was trying to re live the experience I had when I was not frustrated and allowing myself to stop backchatting and breathe.

I was in and out of breath and realizing that I was out of breath again frustrated me at the fact of `not finding` myself in breath. I was very unfocused during work, too focused on women. Women are a large distraction point for myself, and I catch myself thinking and fantasizing quite frequently. That is going to stop from here out. I am breathing through all of this shit and placing and making sure I stay in breath. There is a fear of repeating past patterns. I usually find something of myself and then `lose` it. It is usually a feeling and an experience of myself and that is what it usually is. Breathing as myself here I force myself within breath, I do not allow myself to simply breathe. It seems as though I must allow myself to breathe on my own, yet while I was breathing I was able to stop backchatting quite frequently and focus on myself in the physical, so I have trusted that result, as I ended up in breath within the physical. That was the desired outcome…It is a desire, so no I am dishonest somewhere within this application of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being in the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as myself as breath in the physical through desiring it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am and always have been here within the physical, and that it is not separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing myself here within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my fear of myself backchatting.

ForcefulNess and Breaking

Feb 25th 2011 2:30-9:30pm


So I just fucked with my computer and I broke a key. I am very forceful with things that need to be handled delicately. So it works still I just have a few keys missing and ust press them hard. And now I am tireder. So it goes. I most likely would have been angry at this fact, If I had not planned on getting a new computer. So with that knowledge I know that I just need to wait for a bit, and the fact that the keys still work is a plus, as I am not limited it just simply looks different.

The point here is that I am forceful with my actions with delicate things, and the system is very delicate. I have been overly forceful with myself in terms or morality and the system. For this situation I had to take my time and investigate how everything works first before I dived in. I dived in and tried to get to the root problem thus fucking everything up. The C key was not pressing properly so there was something underneath it, I have before popper up keys and went underneath on this computer but this one was sticking a bit and I forcefully pulled it up breaking a few pieces and trying to put it back together I removed another key so that I could compare the two, and I ended up not being able to fix that one either. Keys are just tools to use the button underneath so everything still works fine, it only looks different and I have to push the actual button now, instead of the plastic covering the button. I find this happening frequently with me. I want to get at the root of the problem so I force myself right to it, bypassing the inner workings, and then having to dig myself out of the shit I placed myself within, and this goes for me within process. I have placed myself deep within my mind and am having to dig myself out slowly and realize myself slowly, to remove things and finally understand things. So I placed myself in looking at all thoughts and trying to stop them immediately with one breath, and became frustrated with my lack of success, and I created more shit to move through, and now I am slowly realizing what I have to do. For the computer I am happy to talk about that fact that I am going to purchase a new one. A new gadget is something I have always been happy to purchase…new things to screw around with…oh and I enjoyed actually understanding how a key is situated within/as the computer, so I am going to take apart the computer once I have bought a new one, and start to take things apart that I no longer have a use for. Again I am happy to say that I am buying a new computer, it is a materialistic possession that I have been desiring, so in a way I manifested this happening. I am not going to go out immediately and buy one, I am waiting. I have been desiring a new computer to have a more effective tool. This one is quite old, the cd drive is 50/50 working chance, the battery is gone, the processing speed is slow, the hard drive has 40gb which is incredible low for today’s standards, and now the keys are broken, so investing in a new computer is worth it to me. I have been possessed by buying a new laptop because it is a material thing, it is a new gadget to play around with…something `better` within comparison. I have already decided on buying a new one before I did this damage to my computer, so I was not frustrated with this. So lets look at this with money. So If I did not already have the plan to set aside money for this I would have become frustrated over having to get this fixed or put up with this for the duration of the lifespan of the computer. As well I would have not been as inclined to take it apart, and investigate its inner workings because if I got to the point where I broke something I would have had to set aside money to fix it. So money is a limitor here through as investigation. I mean if one spends money on something we try and take as best care as we can of it to keep it in shape and not fuck it up, clothing, electronics, cars, make up, anything we buy, I have done this with a thermos, gloves, shoes, shirts, jeans etc, we limit ourselves from investigating things through fear of having to spend money. So For example when Ibought a pair of white shoes before, I would make sure I walked differently to not scuff them or dirty them in any way. I limited my self-expression through fear of losing value of something. I noticed that Iwas doing this and stopped caring after a while, I did not care if they looked dirty, dirt is just a form of light. I did not care because I had them for a while, as well as spite, many people told me that they will get dirty fast and that that was a `bad` thing, I told them I did not care if they were dirty because I would skate in them anyways and wreck them entirely at somepoint…there is no point in holding onto something the way it is within the current moment, it wil only change and degrade over time.

So I allow myself to fear investigating this world through/as money. I mean if I bought a new gadget I would never take it apart to find out the inner workings through fear of losing value and breaking it thus having to spend more money. So money is a limitor in/as investigation for me. Same thing with clothes…If I buy a new pair of pants I will neglect skateboarding in them through fear of ripping them and thus them losing `value`. I even allow it to affect me buying new foods, investigating my taste, my body, how I exist…my inner workings of me. I know that what I spend money on now is sufficient and different foods are more expensive so I limit myself out of needing money to provide life for me and I need a certain amount to sustain myself in the physical. An equal money system is absolutely needed. 1 products will not be made to break, they will be made to last, money will not be an issue. 2 People will not fear exploring themselves as/within/through the physical through fear of losing money and `wasting` money = wasting the provider of life right now….sad that I write in reality that money is life’s provider. People will not fear wasting money – exploring with money as money will not longer provide life but life will be provided money as a tool to use in this reality freely, equally, within what is best for all. 3 Stress, Anger, Frustration will extensively be removed from ourselves, because if we break through exploring we will not have to compromise some of our money which is the provider of life so we will not have to ever again compromise ourselves. Support an Equal money system for yourself and All life, it is absolutely what all life on this planets NEEDS at this current moment in our entire reality. So why not people~ Seriously why not!