Apathy

At the moment I am not life, I am a system. Right now I do not care, I do not care about writing, I do not care about participating in desteni, I have no value on it right now….I have no value placed on anything. I see this now and I gave myself the opportunity to value life. In which I do. I woke up from sleeping too long and do not want to move myself within reality right now…it is like a feeling of not caring whether I live or die…It is apathy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic when people are still starving. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on only my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life as me as the physical. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life because my `life` is mundane.

I am too focused on my direct reality, and how nothing has changed. I need to move because the simple fact that nothing has changed signals that there is still much work to be done. I am focused on my life and how I have not seen anything worth valuing in my reality….this is a complete fucking lie and deception. Writing has definitely assisted me in my day to day living, applying myself is definitely valuable. I feel as if writing is pointless, the words to describe this is whats the point?, I do not want to. I do not want to participate in anything. I have been in this position before and I have just sat and not moved not ate not lived not breathed, not written, I did not watch tv. All I wanted to do was sit and allow the world to pass by, to move without me. I gave up responsibility in that moment and I was giving up my own responsibilities within the moment I was apathetic. All life matters , and there is far too much abuse to sit on my ass and give up my responsibility. So I am pushing myself through this point now, with writing. I did not want t write myself I was heavily resisting writing because I did not want to apply myself,did not want to take responsibility, I allowed myself to not care. I was within that moment ready to give up…And my responsibilities aren’t even that much. I was not valuing myself as life. I was valuing happiness and within that I was then looking for it waiting for it to come to me when I would sit and do absolutely nothing…I was trying to create happiness through/as a thought in that moment, hoping/wishing for happiness to come to me. I was valuing a thought and not my breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my self as breath. This feeling is the largest deception. It allows one to completely give up and not care, it only allows one to focus on ther individual `reality` and not reality as a whole. It fucks with them entirely, only blinding them from what is right in from of them, It creates a loop within the mind of everything seeming pointless and nothing worth doing, within looking for value within what will make one happy, that is what happened. I was looking for something to put value into that would make me happy, I was trying to figure out how to get my next `fix` of happiness. And I would not participate in anything unless it assisted that happiness to exist. I would sit there for hours not doing anything…not eating not breathing..it would be like I was asleep….it is a form of escape for me, it was like I was asleep, unconscious of anything going on around me. This is unacceptable to allow within me so I am writing this down and getting it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowingmyself to give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when there is no happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue a thought of happiness, or a feeling of happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself form reality through searching for happiness. It is unacceptable as myself as life. Giving up on this life is committing suicide.