2012 Devoting time to Sex

I have recently done the 21 days without masturbation. What has occurred is that I have joined a dating site and have then been possessed with sex still. What has happened is that I have gone from the point of fascinating about having sex and masturbating to actively looking for sex. I am still in the sex system and the sex system is quite large. I looked at the point a few times and have agreed with myself that I am not ready for a relationship due to me not being stable emotionally and being a living example of self-direction, yet I continue to participate on the site and actively look for sex.

The point that I started off with in the 21 days of no masturbation was a realization of/as males and their view of the female. This occurred through watching the documentary at Stoppornculture.org and I suggest to any reading this, if you haven’t already, to check out that documentary. Watching that documentary allowed me to see porn from an outside perspective, meaning that when watching porn or becoming lustful and/or horny I become swept up in that experience and lose sight of reality, lose touch with reality and only focus more and more on stimulating the energy that I create from viewing a female, and watching the documentary allowed me to see past the lust/horniness. I saw that I was saying that the female body should be here for me, that it is for my viewing pleasure and that is it. That the female body is here to please me, which is fucking absurd, disgusting and degrading towards us both as life. The female body is here to express itself unconditionally, which unfortunately, has not been allowed as the female form has existed under so many conditions for quite a long time….Anyways stopping masturbating for 21 days has allowed me to calm the lust and horniness when it arises and deal with it effectively but the search and want for sex is still relevant within me shown through me participating on the dating site.

Daily I am looking at the site, hoping for messages, some socialization between me and a female that would hopefully in some way lead to sex = the same point as viewing porn, I am still caught up in the sex system and valuing sex over myself as life and still allowing myself to be directed with/through the desire for sex, which I have then allowed to compromise myself in my other responsibilities that I have to do throughout the day. Thus I am still controlled by sex and am still directing myself within the object of attaining the experience of sex.

Sex is a necessity but allowing my time to be directed through/as the want of sex is not cool as I am attempting to live out a desire forever searching, not allowing myself to be here with myself as breath, breathing in my body here. I am allowing myself to direct myself with energy which does not last very long, not allowing myself to direct myself with breath that lasts a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place more importance on the desire for sex than on myself breathing here as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within lust and within the desire for sex allowing myself to be easily manipulated and controlled in/as the pursuit of sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself telling myself that I must search for sex and giving into the ideals of/as sex and a relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a vast amount of time searching for someone to have sex with instead of participating with myself here as breath as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within/as the desire for a female
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to objectify the female body, allowing myself to separate myself from/as the female body/expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create energy out of viewing the female body only seeing women as an image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as an image, define myself as an image within/as the accepted societal definitions of/as attractive and or sexy in order to present myself to attain sex, not allowing myself to be here with/as myself breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a relationship more than myself here as life, allowing my life to be directed within/as the want for a relationship/sex

I stop allowing myself to be directed through the want of sex and take direction of/as my own life within/through sticking to myself breathing here. I allow myself to move with myself first and foremost focusing on myself first and my self-satisfaction of/as myself first, stopping the want for a relationship as `comfort`. I apply myself in being comfortable with myself.

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