Thursday, March 31, 2011

Still in a Pattern

I started to read my writings from a few months ago and noticed that I am still writing about the same points as I was then. I am still writing on cigarettes, responsibility, using standing or the idea of standing to boost my ego, still wanting to be good, feeling alone, not standing alone. On that point I realized that it is not a fear of being alone it is a fear of standing. I feared standing alone. I feared standing because within standing I stand alone, it is a part of standing for me so I feared standing with the fear of being alone. So when I have written or write that I fear being alone, I fear simply standing alone. Each time I felt alone I have been around people and have wanted to stay around them and as soon as they left my company that feeling came over me. I feared standing in that moment for myself. I was relying on other people to be around me to stand with me and I would use them as support for myself standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others as support for standing.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand for myself as myself by myself.
I realize that in order to truly stand I have to stand for myself in each moment.

I am still within a loop with most of these points.

Re-reading my posts and writings is something that is not developed within/as me. Each time I would post something I would simply press a button and not re-read it or check it over for mistakes, dishonesites, deception, or lies. And within this I am not correcting. I have been pushing forward within a circular path, so I always ended up at the same point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not correct myself, pushing through the resistance
I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to not re-read my writings checking myself over for dis-honesties, deception, and misleadings, or mistakes, again pushing through the resistances
I realize that my re-reading and watching vlogs is a relation to me correcting myself.
It is a symbolization of my application of correcting myself.
I literally do not read myself over. I resist looking at the words. I resist watching the entire video, checking myself over for mistakes, and things that I missed while I was speaking.
My self correction is not developed well. How do I correct my self-correction? I correct simply.

1 comment:

  1. yep - "I correct simply"

    re-visiting and re-reading our words is really a cool tool to recognize thought-patterns and the mechanics of self-sabotage, to see what it is that triggers reactions or emotional-experience -- so that we may then give ourselves the opportunity of 'clearance', 'correction', 're-alignment', 're-direction' in self-honesty.

    perhaps a pointer: to not approach the whole-thing as "checking for mistakes", but rather let go of any and all judgment - and make it be simply about getting to know oneself. our words reveal to us how we are creating ourselves and the experience of ourselves. therefore: man know thyself.

    cool, thanks for sharing Paul!