Sleep and Distractions

I slept for 12 hours today. I was planning on sleeping for 4...yesterday as I went out for a cigarette I thought about sleep. I thought about how I would apply myself within sleep. I was thinking about how I have been effective for sleeping no more than 6 hours a night for 5 days, within this the thought came up of since I have been effective I must now be uneffective*. And then a fear arose within me of sinse I thought that thought it has the potential to manifest. I was talking to myself saying no I will sleep only 4 hours and use breath to wake me up and move myself. I got tired around 10:30 and started to lay down and watch videos. I set my alarm clock for 2:30am and fell asleep. I do not remember exactly turning it off when it went off all I know is that I did. I remember pressing the button to stop it but I do not remember any thoughts that were going in my head and obviously I did not use my breath to wake myself up. When I did wake up I was unhappy with myself in not waking up from sleeping 4 hours. This is a point of judgment and expectations. I expect myself to sleep that amount of time. I have not looked at it. I was unaware of myself stopping the alarm and falling back  to sleep. I did this unconsciously. I am not sure why this was for, I do not think I needed the sleep, My cold has seemed to disappear, I did not feel completely fatigued. It was a point where I did not stand up in. I did not create a point to actually wake up. I allowed myself to sleep in and access my unconscious to allow myself to further sleep without being aware of my actions so that I wouldn't have to `take responsibility`.

After waking up and going through the routine, I went on the internet to check up on I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a baby and to fear being treated like a baby. Right now Mymom is speaking to the dog in a baby voice, and I am having a reaction of I fucking hate that tonality. Because I do not want to be treated like a baby and I dislike it because Parents have allowed a belief that one is superior to a baby because they cannot understand them. Fuck I hate that shit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from babies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear patronization. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being babied. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be loved like a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse of life through allowing inferiority and superiority beliefs and constructs.
Back to the topic. I have been playing Runescape and I want to Run Escape from this world by playing video games. I want to escape from myself by/through playing video games. I have been distracting myself with these video games from my life. I was watching a video and trying to read while playing this game and it is not effective in any way. What was interesting is that as I tried to open up a link from the ITD program is asked me to log off the game so that it could open up the link. I declined and tried to find a solution around this. So I am not willing to give up the game because it gives me something to focus on instead of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my hate for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and escape from facing myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself and stand here looking inwards and facing myself as what I have become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have become. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through and face that which I have become re-moving myself to acting within what is best for all. Obviously video games are not useful in anyway and only exist as a distraction point for many people.