Morning Writing

I Have just woken up and I have been trying to write , and this trying is a physical thing. My computer keeps breaking down. So I have not been able to write…well here I am now. I got up and immediately wanted to sleep more. I still feel this way. I feel heavy, and the thought of an extra hour of sleep in a pleasure. The thought of sleep is something that I enjoy. I enjoy it as the idea of sleep, of just relaxing my body and drifting away into the mind where I do not have to be aware, or conscious. Right now I see it as a point in which I move through time, and to give into my feelings. I am feeling and feeling of weakness, in my forearms and legs, As well in the tendens within my forearms connected to my fingers. This happens when I am tired. My forearms become weak and moving my fingers becomes a bit harder, they become stiff and to move my fingers from that stiffness is weird, as if I am waking myself up through using my fingers. Because that’s what happens, I stop typing my forearms become weak and my fingers become immobile, and I start to drift off to sleep,


I woke up not too long ago took a piss in that drowsy state when waking up, and have not been fully awake for a while. I am still allowing myself to exist within a drowsy state by not breathing. Well enough of that. So I woke up took a piss and had a glass of juice. I was thinking about what to eat and or do and could not find anything to attach myself to so I decided to write. I enjoy writing tremendously, it is an absolute please to create words out of myself and place them in physical symbolized form. So I decided to write and get myself physically warm and comfortable to enjoy as much as I can out of this. I am still placing myself in that feeling of drowsy need. I do need to get up out of bed and eat something and start my day, yet I am reluctant as this is very comfortable and I enjoy it and getting out of bed means taking responsibility for myself….Looking at this I apply myself in getting out of bed and there is a large resistance to this , I want to sleep and stay here and simply close my eyes and fall away. It sounds pleasurable, falling away from this reality…but my mind is not real, I do have to let it go, I am not real within my mind, I am not real through defining myself within/as the mind. I am not real within a definition. Ok so I am getting up and eating something

So I got up, got dressed and ate and had a cup of coffee so far. Right now I feel much more awake and here. I yawned at the start as I was not aware of my movement but giving into the mind as a system to systematically move myself and not take actually responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind to not take respnsiblity for each and every movement I make wthin the physical reality as well as mental reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind, allowing the system I have created and am responsible for to direct me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself here in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through not placing myself and directing myself here in EACH moment within/as breath as me as life.

I am glad that I woke myself up today. Writing out write now is a pleasure. As well I am glad because I have struggles with this point, and now I see I only allow myself to struggle with this point because I simply do not want to give it up…that is why I know that I am going to give up happiness because I want to now let it go and I now can let it go because I do not want to hold onto it any longer, so what is interesting is that I no longer experience frustration when I participate in memories of happiness, I simply stop and place myself here and continue because I know that I do not want to hold onto it so I let it go by not getting frustrated over it which is completely cool.



This computer has now become un-reliable. It keeps on freezing…the image does at least. There is something wrong with the power cord plug in. So I either get it fixed or buy a new one…I am drawn to buying a new one as I see it as being a lot more useful in terms of performance and productivity…but really I simply want a new laptop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through using ideas and words to justify my wants. So yes I simply want one, now I must save to get there. I do not have a lot of money left for spending so I am going to have to wait and really save my money.

Sleep and Distractions

I slept for 12 hours today. I was planning on sleeping for 4...yesterday as I went out for a cigarette I thought about sleep. I thought about how I would apply myself within sleep. I was thinking about how I have been effective for sleeping no more than 6 hours a night for 5 days, within this the thought came up of since I have been effective I must now be uneffective*. And then a fear arose within me of sinse I thought that thought it has the potential to manifest. I was talking to myself saying no I will sleep only 4 hours and use breath to wake me up and move myself. I got tired around 10:30 and started to lay down and watch videos. I set my alarm clock for 2:30am and fell asleep. I do not remember exactly turning it off when it went off all I know is that I did. I remember pressing the button to stop it but I do not remember any thoughts that were going in my head and obviously I did not use my breath to wake myself up. When I did wake up I was unhappy with myself in not waking up from sleeping 4 hours. This is a point of judgment and expectations. I expect myself to sleep that amount of time. I have not looked at it. I was unaware of myself stopping the alarm and falling back  to sleep. I did this unconsciously. I am not sure why this was for, I do not think I needed the sleep, My cold has seemed to disappear, I did not feel completely fatigued. It was a point where I did not stand up in. I did not create a point to actually wake up. I allowed myself to sleep in and access my unconscious to allow myself to further sleep without being aware of my actions so that I wouldn't have to `take responsibility`.

After waking up and going through the routine, I went on the internet to check up on I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a baby and to fear being treated like a baby. Right now Mymom is speaking to the dog in a baby voice, and I am having a reaction of I fucking hate that tonality. Because I do not want to be treated like a baby and I dislike it because Parents have allowed a belief that one is superior to a baby because they cannot understand them. Fuck I hate that shit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from babies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear patronization. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being babied. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be loved like a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse of life through allowing inferiority and superiority beliefs and constructs.
Back to the topic. I have been playing Runescape and I want to Run Escape from this world by playing video games. I want to escape from myself by/through playing video games. I have been distracting myself with these video games from my life. I was watching a video and trying to read while playing this game and it is not effective in any way. What was interesting is that as I tried to open up a link from the ITD program is asked me to log off the game so that it could open up the link. I declined and tried to find a solution around this. So I am not willing to give up the game because it gives me something to focus on instead of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my hate for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and escape from facing myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself and stand here looking inwards and facing myself as what I have become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have become. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through and face that which I have become re-moving myself to acting within what is best for all. Obviously video games are not useful in anyway and only exist as a distraction point for many people.