Self Trust is Actual Trust

My Trust in Others
While working with others now, I do not trust them. I do not trust many people to go through with the point. I do not like being able to control the point absolutely, as my life is directed within working with others. Trusting others now I am not entirely comfortable with. 

Through directing my life by myself for a bit I have gained trust for myself to direct each point alone.

One thing that I am relying on others right now is a phone. I recently lost my phone, and my sister has offered to give me her old phone which a friend of hers has. I am not able to trust her to get this done for me so I have been constantly reminding her about it. I have a phone of my own that is old and have been waiting on my sister to give me her phone which is `better` than the phone that I have. So I need a phone currently and I am thus without a phone so I have been pushing her to message her friend and get that settled out. But the point within this is that I am not trusting her to get that done for me. I am not in complete control of the situation. I am reliant on her to follow through, and there is a lack of trust within me. A trust with a knowing that she will get it done. I experience within me a point of not knowing of how things are going to turn out and a wanting of them to turn out in a specific way or time. So I push I remind to get things done when people are within my life and are responsible for directing a point that involves me.

Yes I must get over this point of not being able to control my reality when others are involved in it. I must move with the other equal and one as well with the point equal and one. Again taking the phone example here, I have  not been able to trust my sister to direct a point because her reality is falling apart and she is not taking responsibility for it, I see this within her and within that I cannot trust her to direct a point effectively.

Another example is that I am moving out with another person soon...possibly. It is being planned for. From my experience within the past if any point is left open meaning not discussed and considered then that point does not become directed and then I am left in the open with no direction for myself and I become confused and hectic within my direction, trying to figure out a solution for that point immediately. I have trust for the person I am moving out with, because they have shown themselves to be directive and responsible for their reality and do not waver easily on a point. There was a fear initially of not being able to direct that point effectively, and things being left in the open, but through communication things were solved and direction was created through prioritizing and moving with what we have here and not focusing on too far down the road. So within that there is not a fear of the point being directed effectively because I have seen their participation within their reality and their direction within their reality and through seeing that I am able to trust their ability to take responsibility and direct things accordingly.

Working with a group direction is a must. For example playing hacky sack a few days ago, when  the ball would end up in the middle and none of us would go for it and then the ball would fall = no one directed the point, the point was left in the open and then the point dropped. So within that working with a group of people if one point is not communicated and taken responsibility for it falls.

Bringing this back to myself there is a want to have each point directed and communicated and through experience I have had, if one point is not communicated effectively then it all goes to shit, and I stress and pressure myself to get the point sorted out as soon as possible. So the want to direct things and take absolute control of the point exists within me. I do not trust other people who I have not established a working together with. Like the point of moving out with another person I am able to trust that person as I have worked with her before and she has shown that she is effective within directing points.

Trust within another within this world I suppose is not existent. I must trust myself to direct each point alone. Meaning that I must push others to direct each point if it involves me as well. I must be able to trust myself to get things done effectively and leave nothing in the open. Self-trust is the only thing that I can move on and rely on, I can only rely on myself to move any and every point and direct it effectively even if emotion from the other comes up. I will have to trust myself to direct the point alone and not rely on another to direct a point that essentially I am responsible for. I must direct myself to direct the person if they are incapable of doing so.

Depression, judgment

I woke up this morning depressed. I got up and started to hate myself for allowing myself to become reliant on another being for support for happiness. I got up and checked out the sites and started to judge myself for allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the happiness I desired/wanted. And I started to hate myself for this. The entire time I felt completely hopeless in as process. Like I have gotten nowhere. Like all my effort has led to nothing. That I am still everything that I was, I have only been ignoring it and blocking it within me. I am trying to find a quick-fix solution to all of these `problems` through my mind. I watched Bernards video response and the last one, I feared extensively, as well as this one. The same point opened up which was me judging myself and feeling worthless because I believe that I cannot change, believe that I haven’t changed. I have an urge to let go and give up entirely and just fuck off with myself. As though I am worthless. That I have nothing to give this world…I don’t I only have to give to myself. And the best present is presence. Simply. All of this worthlessness comes from projecting myself, an idea of myself, a belief of myself which is not real. Simply I have been trying to be something that I am not.


I ended up sleeping to not face this issue. It was unappealing. I slept through it, so now I will most likely time-loop and face this depression compounded at some point. So I did not take responsibility for this point by apply SF and Self-correction. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for happiness outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t blame others for my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless over myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am powerless over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power to thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be with myself breath after breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in each moment calming myself down to look at the frustration clearly. Allowing myself to move through it and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself, to take care of myself physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on another being to support my physically and mentally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing that point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to myself, thus relying on another being to support me to forgive myself and to let go of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do process for myself and only for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself as life on my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `solve` myself through my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply place myself in the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the fact that I am constantly here.

I forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within as believing that I am the thoughts I think, the emotions I feel, The feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts I think, The emotion I feel, the Feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to sound `profound`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself entirely.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to accept my enslavement as `just the way it is`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement.

Losing a Document and Responsibility

Losing a document


I experienced sadness within losing a document that I had just written. I felt sad because I no onger have it. I defined myself as it. That it is worth something as me. That the document I wrote was time spent on myself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and put worth in a document. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for losing something. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have lost myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to believe that I have lost myself within as my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad for losing writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot write with the same effectiveness. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to not write with the same effectiveness.

Feb 9th 2011 3:12pm: Responsibility

Taking responsibility for myself in this world is to support and to take care of myself as life. I have been relying on others to support me. What I have recently looked into is me staying at my moms house. I come here because everything is in one place and supporting myself here was free and easy. I say was free because now I pay her to stay here. It is easy because everything that I need is within reach. Food, internet, shelter, cleaning utilities are all within one place. At my apartment I must commute to get to all of these things. So I have allowed myself to come here and support myself here. Responsibility for myself would be moving myself in this world by my own means. I have started to pay my mom to stay here because I felt as though I was abusing her and using her resources. So I started to pay her so that I make up for everything that I use. I eat here and I shower and use utilities, so I have started to pay her accordingly for what I use here. I see this as taking responsibility for myself, as I am not relying on her to do everything for me. I will pay her for each day I stay here. I thought that taking responsibility for myself was to payfor everything in my life and not allow anyone to support me whatsoever. I thought that coming here to use the things that I use is not supporting myself. In a sense it isn’t as I am still relying on this place to support me but I am not relying on another to support me. I am not using my moms resources freely. I am not giving myself or allowing myself to have a free ride. I am paying for staying here just like I would pay to rent at my place. The only difference is that this place has everything within one area, and that at my place commuting is a big time consumer. So staying here is all about time and efficiency for me. I would like to continuously support myself alone, as I do enjoy being alone. Here is JUST(ification) simpler to be effective within. Everything is here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify relying on my mothers place to support myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create my own place of living. What is best for me is to live on my own and create my own place. What is best for me is to live and gain experience supporting myself within my own life, not relying on anyone else in my reality to assist me. As I am relying on my mother for laundry…I do it myself but I rely on this place rather than doing it on my own at my place. I still have not used my place for doing laundry. I have always brought laundry here. So fuck morality and living outside of me. Looking at me and what I want for myself is to support myself entirely. That means living entirely on my own not reliant on anyone else for utilities or support. So that is what I am going to do. Simple. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debate on morals. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within morality of right and wrong. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for myself in what I want for myself. So I will live here for what I see as best for me, which is living completely stable and alone. So that I do not need to rely on another for food,shelter,internet, etc.

Paying my mom is an `easy way out` of the situation that I have created for myself. It is a simple way to cut out everything that I have to do and it actually is not taking responsibility for myself. As I am not living for myself as me for what I want for myself within this world and I truly want to live completely on my own, so that I can direct my world intensely. I mean this is a way of taking responsibility for myself as I am paying for my existence….hmm my definition of responsibility needs a tweak. So what I ws doing before was hoping that everything would fall into place or I would wait for the situation to come into play where I HAD to take responsibility. For example I was getting kicked out of my house when it sold, so I got my ass up found a job found a place and found another job and situated myself so that I had what I needed around me. In that I waited for myself to take responsibility for myself living in the matrix. I waited for the situation to come to me whereI had to support myself. I was living off of my mother and her means of money. I was not living off of my own means. Now I am somewhat living off of her means now, when I stay here but I am supporting myself staying here with my own means of money, so I am not taking freely but taking responsibility for this world within/as money. Meaning that I am taking responsibility for my life and what life has become which is movement of money. I am moving my money around so that I may support myself living here. Again though what I want for myself is to be able to live completely alone and to create my own reality where everything is in one place. So the only thing that I need in my place is internet. That is the only thing that I have trouble with commuting for, as I need to prepare myself entirely to go use the internet. I always force myself to vlog before I go so that I do not need to vlog there through embarrassment and fear of others and the fact that I would be vlogging with a person 1ft away from me. I must prepare food. I limit myself within not giving myself internet at my home. So directing my reality is taking responsibility for my reality. As well as directing the money movement which unfortunately creates my reality is taking responsibility, now this is responsibility for my outer reality. Taking responsibility for my inner world is the exact same where I take responsibility for what I allow. So right now I am allowing myself to live off of support from others and not supporting myself entirely physically and mentally. Simple. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself entirely physically and mentally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others for support of myself physically and mentally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to exist within reality for the complete manifestation of and as support. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to support existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to be the decision for the quality of existence one exists within. That is why I am here…money, that is why I now pay her, as I was seeing this within me as using it as a free haven, but now it is not free, but it is a haven outside of me.

Emotional Turmoil

Ha, first thing felt was utter lonesomeness. So I was reading Lindsays blog post about why her and Joe broke up, and I was placing myself in a broken up position while reading that, the position of when My ex(Sarah) broke up with me. Absolutely, there was definitely Turmoil there and understand the affects of it after watching the Emotion Turmoil video. I was dependant on her to live for me. I was living vicariously through her. I gave no opinion in anything, It never `mattered` to me. Meaning I always followed. Through-out the relationship I see myself as a `cling=on` I would not let go. I believed that I needed her there to have some type of value in my life, and as I have written before I valued having a girlfriend. So holding onto her was a priority of mine…it is hard to find a starting point and move from there so this is going to be jumpy. I introduced her to desteni, and felt within myself judgement and embarrassment for the belief of it being `esoteric` and `odd` that was a belief I had then, and do not care what people think about it, I do not have thoughts about it, it is. So I was very uncomfortable sharing that with her, I was again dependant on her and she obviously held shit back about her thoughts on desteni, so when I brought it up the first few times I was attacked, and like in many other instances I set life aside for bullshit. I stopped talking about desteni for quite some time, My priority was keeping her around. I valued her life over mine. But not really, I valued her personality over mine, and was relying on her to support me as a personality through making decisions, and me following thus becoming her in a way. I gave up desteni for sometime, not entirely gave up, but really slowed down my participation and heavily involved myself in this relationship. Everytime I needed a refresher I would look up what was new for the material, although my participation could have been MUCH more. My writing started to become a point of blame and judgment, and not self-reflection, my writings were consisting of her that and her this. Looking at the Backchatting I was constantly thinking about breaking up with her, and moved on that point a few times, but I never followed through, this was a point of manipulation of me a form of scare tactics, to keep her around. The first time this happened I was feeling inferior and depressed and said that this was not going to work out, she broke into tears and within this saw how much I was wanted, and saw that through this I could keep her around, and that is what it somewhat became….a game of breaking up, as we `broke` up a few times. And truly I did want to break up, that was who I was in Honesty, I did not want to keep her around, I would have liked to move independent from her and focus on what I wanted to do, as I knew that I was giving up desteni for her and was giving up a lot of my `free` time to be with her. But I created that dependency, Value, and Reliance on that relationship, so I could not let it go. It felt liberating when I let it go the few times that I did, I `no longer` needed to worry about what she was feeling, I no longer cared about her thoughts/opinions on things. I am getting off of track here. So within backchatting I had hidden all of these thoughts, and within writing as well, I never allowed her to see my writings as they were full of blame. So I was constantly hiding myself and trying to deceive her to see a different person….that is why She broke up with me…I was not willing to let go, and she saw the truth. When breaking up I felt the energy absolutely dissipate, noticed this and said is there anything your holding back, she said no, and I said  when she is ready to tell me. So after an hour or so, she said that she wanted to break up that she no longer saw anything in me. Within this I was paralyzed, completely immovable, not out of fear, but realizing what is going on…ok yes out of fear, of realizing that I am now going to be alone and have no one to guide my within life. What is interesting is that I am sure this revolved around money. So I was not sure what to do…I was trying to stand on my own two feet again…this was a great lesson for me in who I have become. I had to go through this point to learn. So in the video Emotional Turmoil and Radical Relationships, Bernard explains that one will rush heavily into religion and/or spirituality, and at that point it was desteni for me, it was still something that it really isn’t for me. I felt lost and was trying to find out myself again, trying to restart everything…I was restarting everything as In that moment I was completely dependant and reliant on Sarah to live for me, to get me to live, she was my motivation to get up, although within using the word love I was deceiving her as within backchatting I was disgusted with her because I was disgusted with myself for giving up on myself and valuing her more. So she became my value to stay alive, to get up and to exist, so when we broke up I did not know where to go or what to do. I rushed back to desteni and participated fully, when I look at this now as I did when watching the video (Emotion Turmoil) there definitely is a point that I must physically move through and that would be a relationship that again I must remove because it is unsupportive within the terms of LIFE. I see that I must stand for myself when another point like that exposes itself within me, where I start to give myself up because of ideas and beliefs surrounding myself….I have started this process by removing ideas that I have of myself and bringing myself back to the physical living as my life, I still hold onto ideas around certain people that I have become comfortable being `this` around them, and have recently been removing that as past desires and inhibitions were flag points that I noticed…that around thepeople I felt comfortable with I wanted to smoke, and alone I noticed that I have stopped.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reliant and dependant on others. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to depend and rely on myself, trusting myself to hold myself up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female expression to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others personalities over my own life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value personality over life.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Again a bit off track, So I heavily invested myself into desteni again, knowing that there is where I needed to be to get back to life andplace myself in the `right` direction. I started writing on the forum and watching videos everyday again, There is regret towards giving myself up for a relationship, giving myself up meaning stopping participating in what I wanted to do for another, because I see that if I were to continue the way that I was when I first found desteni then I could have understood a lot more much quicker….so that is a desire to not have my history existent, to change my history…I have looked at this point yesterday and it is what it is, there Is no changing it, I am here and on the path, and being `farther ahead` in process is a lie and a deceit , I have to live with what is here and move myself with what is here and if it is unsuitable for the conditions of life then I take the time to remove it.