Thursday, January 27, 2011

Excitement from Writing

Excitement from believing myself to be effective, usually comes after or during writing out a point within me. And posting and sharing and believing myself to be effective within that writing. Believing that I have supported myself thus being happy within believing myself to support thus allowing an energy to exist within me of excitement and I want more of this, I forgive myself for accepting a feeling of excitement for writing myself out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write myself out for myself. I forgive myself that I have not written myself out to write myself out.

This experience comes from writing myself out, not literally as it is internal, but it comes from the fact that I am writing myself out. When writing myself out I write myself out to get out a point…and when I am done writing myself out I become excited that I have written that point out, I become excited by the idea that I have written that point out, and within that I believe that I am effective within that moment. I become excited at the idea that I have just written myself and have found points, within this I do not look at the points I become engulfed by the excitement and start to think more and more and more and more until I `crash`, crash from all of the energy I have created within that. I am writing this out now to get rid of this feeling as it does not support me in the physical, I am going to live these words and not hope that through writing that it is gone. Live them by removing the excitement when writing and then I will write for self, not because of a feeling.

When I become excited all of my movements are rapid and Short, I try and get it done as fast as I can and type or write as fast as I can, I am possessed by energy in this moment. My thoughts are very rapid as well I can barely notice them…They come and go quickly and I allow them to, I only become aware of them when I feel a rush of energy, come over me. And it feels far too much and I say stop…I stop for a bit then the thoughts start right back up again, and I run through it all over again. I become quite exhausted when this happens as I am using up a lot of my energy in a short period of time. My thoughts consist of positivity, believing that I can be helpful in certain situations. What happens is that I do not stop when I write. My thoughts are continuously moving generating energy and if I write a long enough article I generate a lot of energy. When I am done the article I believe myself to have been effective within writing that article, meaning that I believe that I have explained it well, that it was supportive, that the words were right, that I used the right words to describe and define myself properly, and that I took on a lot of points that I did not see before. Within this I become excited in believing that I have done something `good` for myself and all of this energy that built up from those beliefs and thoughts come out after I am done writing…so for instance when I pin-point a thought that is related to something I will think “good, this is what I need, This is good, These words are exactly how I feel…good,good,good,good” So all of that builds up creating this positive excitement towards my life and within that I believe that I am able to conquer anything, believe that I am invincible, and I continuously think in ego with self-righteousness, and rarely place myself here within breath. When I do place myself here within breath I stop and stop that energy…it can quickly build up again though, with only one thought. This comes from the savior syndrome, that I am happy, that I am supporting myself, but I am truly not because I become happy within that…thus not allowing myself to place myself in the physical….lol its happening. Ok so, I enjoy knowing that I can help someone with their process, help them realize something, I enjoy this through ego of wanting to be a savior, but I have covered this before and will again…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only self can help self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boast about being able to help someone….this is a point of power as well. Odd and fascinating. I desire to help people to have power…it is like religion…it is like what a priest must feel like. But again I cannot help anyone, I can only help myself and SHARE! I can only share myself and if someone comes to a realization through my words then THEY REALIZED I did not MAKE them, that is something that I have to learn…that I truly cannot help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take `credit` for someone helping themselves.

So within this writing I have been taking it slow and looking over each thought I am about to write out so that I can explain it properly, and not vomit words as thoughts arise.

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