Excitement from believing myself to be effective, usually comes after or during writing out a point within me. And posting and sharing and believing myself to be effective within that writing. Believing that I have supported myself thus being happy within believing myself to support thus allowing an energy to exist within me of excitement and I want more of this, I forgive myself for accepting a feeling of excitement for writing myself out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write myself out for myself. I forgive myself that I have not written myself out to write myself out.
This experience comes from writing myself out, not literally as it is internal, but it comes from the fact that I am writing myself out. When writing myself out I write myself out to get out a point…and when I am done writing myself out I become excited that I have written that point out, I become excited by the idea that I have written that point out, and within that I believe that I am effective within that moment. I become excited at the idea that I have just written myself and have found points, within this I do not look at the points I become engulfed by the excitement and start to think more and more and more and more until I `crash`, crash from all of the energy I have created within that. I am writing this out now to get rid of this feeling as it does not support me in the physical, I am going to live these words and not hope that through writing that it is gone. Live them by removing the excitement when writing and then I will write for self, not because of a feeling.
When I become excited all of my movements are rapid and Short, I try and get it done as fast as I can and type or write as fast as I can, I am possessed by energy in this moment. My thoughts are very rapid as well I can barely notice them…They come and go quickly and I allow them to, I only become aware of them when I feel a rush of energy, come over me. And it feels far too much and I say stop…I stop for a bit then the thoughts start right back up again, and I run through it all over again. I become quite exhausted when this happens as I am using up a lot of my energy in a short period of time. My thoughts consist of positivity, believing that I can be helpful in certain situations. What happens is that I do not stop when I write. My thoughts are continuously moving generating energy and if I write a long enough article I generate a lot of energy. When I am done the article I believe myself to have been effective within writing that article, meaning that I believe that I have explained it well, that it was supportive, that the words were right, that I used the right words to describe and define myself properly, and that I took on a lot of points that I did not see before. Within this I become excited in believing that I have done something `good` for myself and all of this energy that built up from those beliefs and thoughts come out after I am done writing…so for instance when I pin-point a thought that is related to something I will think “good, this is what I need, This is good, These words are exactly how I feel…good,good,good,good” So all of that builds up creating this positive excitement towards my life and within that I believe that I am able to conquer anything, believe that I am invincible, and I continuously think in ego with self-righteousness, and rarely place myself here within breath. When I do place myself here within breath I stop and stop that energy…it can quickly build up again though, with only one thought. This comes from the savior syndrome, that I am happy, that I am supporting myself, but I am truly not because I become happy within that…thus not allowing myself to place myself in the physical….lol its happening. Ok so, I enjoy knowing that I can help someone with their process, help them realize something, I enjoy this through ego of wanting to be a savior, but I have covered this before and will again…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only self can help self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boast about being able to help someone….this is a point of power as well. Odd and fascinating. I desire to help people to have power…it is like religion…it is like what a priest must feel like. But again I cannot help anyone, I can only help myself and SHARE! I can only share myself and if someone comes to a realization through my words then THEY REALIZED I did not MAKE them, that is something that I have to learn…that I truly cannot help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take `credit` for someone helping themselves.
So within this writing I have been taking it slow and looking over each thought I am about to write out so that I can explain it properly, and not vomit words as thoughts arise.
Showing posts with label writing self out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing self out. Show all posts
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Desiring Cigarettes
As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.
Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.
So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.
I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.
As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.
Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.
So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.
Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.
Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.
So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.
I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.
As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.
Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.
So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.
Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.
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