Reality Check

I started looking at my life from a top down perspective. I do this so I can understand the whole of myself and where and how I stand. As well the equality equation works effectively for myself this way. I proved this to myself by looking at the belief of myself making someone smile as valuable and me being a presence in someones life with a smile is valuable by looking at that in the total equation of life…I almost vomited. That belief is completely disgusting. I am glad that I have been able to use that. I have been able to see myself only directing my reality which is cool. I was applying for a job and looking at that situation entirely and directing that effectively by looking at myself in the exact moment from a top down view.  It is looking at myself from the sky and being able to pull myself back from my mind and look at the physical existence and any belief or idea that I have of something, and see if it is valid. Money is not valid within the entirety of the world but valid within my world so while looking for a job I just looked at myself. This is subject to knowledge and information. So for example when looking at myself in the belief of being good for smiling, I placed the knowledge and information of beings dying of starvation within the world and looked at the affect of this. It was disgusting because the only thing I affected was the person in my direct reality, and to believe that I am doing something good for making a fucking person who does not starve SMILE!???, That is a mad belief. I have been mad/insane/crazy/nuts. So I am now looking at myself in entirety, based on knowledge and information and memory…so this is not really the most effective way but it helps as I stop only focusing on myself. It is a reality check for myself. That how is this within reality. It is useful.

Excitement from Writing

Excitement from believing myself to be effective, usually comes after or during writing out a point within me. And posting and sharing and believing myself to be effective within that writing. Believing that I have supported myself thus being happy within believing myself to support thus allowing an energy to exist within me of excitement and I want more of this, I forgive myself for accepting a feeling of excitement for writing myself out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write myself out for myself. I forgive myself that I have not written myself out to write myself out.


This experience comes from writing myself out, not literally as it is internal, but it comes from the fact that I am writing myself out. When writing myself out I write myself out to get out a point…and when I am done writing myself out I become excited that I have written that point out, I become excited by the idea that I have written that point out, and within that I believe that I am effective within that moment. I become excited at the idea that I have just written myself and have found points, within this I do not look at the points I become engulfed by the excitement and start to think more and more and more and more until I `crash`, crash from all of the energy I have created within that. I am writing this out now to get rid of this feeling as it does not support me in the physical, I am going to live these words and not hope that through writing that it is gone. Live them by removing the excitement when writing and then I will write for self, not because of a feeling.

When I become excited all of my movements are rapid and Short, I try and get it done as fast as I can and type or write as fast as I can, I am possessed by energy in this moment. My thoughts are very rapid as well I can barely notice them…They come and go quickly and I allow them to, I only become aware of them when I feel a rush of energy, come over me. And it feels far too much and I say stop…I stop for a bit then the thoughts start right back up again, and I run through it all over again. I become quite exhausted when this happens as I am using up a lot of my energy in a short period of time. My thoughts consist of positivity, believing that I can be helpful in certain situations. What happens is that I do not stop when I write. My thoughts are continuously moving generating energy and if I write a long enough article I generate a lot of energy. When I am done the article I believe myself to have been effective within writing that article, meaning that I believe that I have explained it well, that it was supportive, that the words were right, that I used the right words to describe and define myself properly, and that I took on a lot of points that I did not see before. Within this I become excited in believing that I have done something `good` for myself and all of this energy that built up from those beliefs and thoughts come out after I am done writing…so for instance when I pin-point a thought that is related to something I will think “good, this is what I need, This is good, These words are exactly how I feel…good,good,good,good” So all of that builds up creating this positive excitement towards my life and within that I believe that I am able to conquer anything, believe that I am invincible, and I continuously think in ego with self-righteousness, and rarely place myself here within breath. When I do place myself here within breath I stop and stop that energy…it can quickly build up again though, with only one thought. This comes from the savior syndrome, that I am happy, that I am supporting myself, but I am truly not because I become happy within that…thus not allowing myself to place myself in the physical….lol its happening. Ok so, I enjoy knowing that I can help someone with their process, help them realize something, I enjoy this through ego of wanting to be a savior, but I have covered this before and will again…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only self can help self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boast about being able to help someone….this is a point of power as well. Odd and fascinating. I desire to help people to have power…it is like religion…it is like what a priest must feel like. But again I cannot help anyone, I can only help myself and SHARE! I can only share myself and if someone comes to a realization through my words then THEY REALIZED I did not MAKE them, that is something that I have to learn…that I truly cannot help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take `credit` for someone helping themselves.

So within this writing I have been taking it slow and looking over each thought I am about to write out so that I can explain it properly, and not vomit words as thoughts arise.

Reactions to believing myself to be effective or Ineffective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am being effective. When I posted on the forum to Stave trying to assist him I was very insecure with the words that I was using, I was thinking about whether or not my words are effective or not within/as assisting Stave,. I was worried that I would fuck with him or that I would be seen as other destonians as deceiving, I have had this reaction a lot. It comes from not trusting myself, I am not sure with my effectiveness of/as myself to assist and support another, so when I try and support someone I am very insecure and fearful that my words will be fucked up. So then when I believe my words to be effective and I trust my words I become happy, all of this shit must stop and I am stopping it. Creating happiness or sadness around my words stops me from seeing and living as my words. Like when I would feel the physical and be happy I make it something that it isn’t. This point is still supporting my ego of wanting to be good/special/significant/benevolent. I support my own ego with this, it is not the point that supports it it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my ego in believing myself to be effective, thus supporting the idea that I am helpful/nice/positive/benevolent/good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be benevolent/nice/good/happy/positive. I forgive myself that I have addicted myself to positive energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to define myself as benevolent/good/positive for the idea that if I define it I become it and then I can forever be benevolent. What happens when I post something is I become happy in believing that I have supported the person with my words thus allowing myself to believe that I am supportive and have achieved my `goal`. Or I become worried that my words have been insufficient in supporting the other person, that I have not achieved my goal of helping another. So I have a want to help another…I am not going to try and help another until I know that I am stable in my movement, in my words, in my actions that I know that each and every movement I can do what is best for all within that moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for all in every moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what is best for all in every moment. So I will not try to support another as it I am supporting my ego…If I know that I can through lived experience I will, If I am trying to for ego I will stop and remove myself from that situation. I still have the savior syndrome within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a belief that if I can save people than I will be respected. I no longer accept this within me. I am breath, I am not a savior, I cannot save anyone they must do that for themselves. I can only support myself right now, I can only exist for myself.


AS well when I posted on Ingrid’s blog I got happy and excited and kept on replaying the words I wrote in my head supporting this belief of helping and supporting her with my words, believing that I can actually support another, and I am not longer `useless`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am useless if I cannot support another being. Within this I used an experience that I could relate and was happy and glad and excited that I could do so. Within this I become happy within the belief that I have assisted someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I help people . I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only the person can help themselves through insight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helping people with my words.I half assed this writing and do not think it is very effective in writing myself out. I will post this anyways,