Purposeful Diminishment

Feb 22nd 5:26pm 2011


I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I purposely slept. I got home from work and did not feel right from the perspective of breathing, I was not focusing on breath and I was still in `work` mode. I noticed that watching tv or playing a video game or something like that gets me out of it. I watched some news for a bit and still did not breathe. I thought about laying down and knew if I did lay down I would fall asleep. I purposely layed down. To avoid and hide from myself. I knew that if I slept until a certain time that I would not go to the library. So I slept for that amount of time.

I purposely did this to myself I did not want to face myself today, it must sub or unconscious because I do not see a reason why. I rathered sleep in that moment and did not take responsibility for myself being here. I allowed myself to sleep those hours and purposely kept myself asleep. So there is something that I am hiding from.

I wanted to go to the library today, I wanted to post some shit. I did not know what to vlog about and felt that I could not vlog effectively in that current state of mind. I knew the outcome if I laid down and I did anyways. I have done this with smoking before where I know that the outcome is what it is and yet I will smoke anyways, purposely diminish myself.

Purposely Diminish myself to keep myself enslaved to the inferiority that I believe myself to be. Purposely give up so that I can stay `at the bottom` and not rise above myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely give up on myself to keep myself enslaved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and escape from the fact that I want to keep myself enslaved. Why have I come to this point and how? I have defined process as incredibly difficult and overwhelming and I do not want t to push myself through the breaking points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define process as difficult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define difficult to exist within process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from difficult and process through defining difficult to exist within process separate from me. I forgive mself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process as difficult or as easy as it is going to be, that I am the creator of my own process and I am responsible for myself within process.

I was looking at the phrase `I will make it` in the context of process, transcending the physical etc. I make it, I create myself being `successful` in this process or I make, I create myself `falling` within this process of self-realization. Currently I am making this difficult on myself, and I am making myself less than everything still not realizing that I am equal to everything, as life. I am making myself who I am I am creating myself to fail, I am creating myself to give up on myself when it gets `too tough`. I am not making it meaning that I am not creating myself in equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less than

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create myself in equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself give up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself stand

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take absolute and complete control of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself equal and one with/as everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as diminishment and to purposely diminish myself to enslave myself and not realize myself and stand up

I am responsible for my own enslavement, my enslavement is not separate from me. I enslave myself. It is not the minds fault it is not the systems fault it is my fault and responsibility to unslave myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enslavement through defining enslavement to exist within the mind, within systems, separate from myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the systems and I am the mind now and that I have enslaved myself and I am one and equal to my own enslavement as myself, as me.

Apathy

At the moment I am not life, I am a system. Right now I do not care, I do not care about writing, I do not care about participating in desteni, I have no value on it right now….I have no value placed on anything. I see this now and I gave myself the opportunity to value life. In which I do. I woke up from sleeping too long and do not want to move myself within reality right now…it is like a feeling of not caring whether I live or die…It is apathy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic when people are still starving. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on only my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life as me as the physical. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life because my `life` is mundane.

I am too focused on my direct reality, and how nothing has changed. I need to move because the simple fact that nothing has changed signals that there is still much work to be done. I am focused on my life and how I have not seen anything worth valuing in my reality….this is a complete fucking lie and deception. Writing has definitely assisted me in my day to day living, applying myself is definitely valuable. I feel as if writing is pointless, the words to describe this is whats the point?, I do not want to. I do not want to participate in anything. I have been in this position before and I have just sat and not moved not ate not lived not breathed, not written, I did not watch tv. All I wanted to do was sit and allow the world to pass by, to move without me. I gave up responsibility in that moment and I was giving up my own responsibilities within the moment I was apathetic. All life matters , and there is far too much abuse to sit on my ass and give up my responsibility. So I am pushing myself through this point now, with writing. I did not want t write myself I was heavily resisting writing because I did not want to apply myself,did not want to take responsibility, I allowed myself to not care. I was within that moment ready to give up…And my responsibilities aren’t even that much. I was not valuing myself as life. I was valuing happiness and within that I was then looking for it waiting for it to come to me when I would sit and do absolutely nothing…I was trying to create happiness through/as a thought in that moment, hoping/wishing for happiness to come to me. I was valuing a thought and not my breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my self as breath. This feeling is the largest deception. It allows one to completely give up and not care, it only allows one to focus on ther individual `reality` and not reality as a whole. It fucks with them entirely, only blinding them from what is right in from of them, It creates a loop within the mind of everything seeming pointless and nothing worth doing, within looking for value within what will make one happy, that is what happened. I was looking for something to put value into that would make me happy, I was trying to figure out how to get my next `fix` of happiness. And I would not participate in anything unless it assisted that happiness to exist. I would sit there for hours not doing anything…not eating not breathing..it would be like I was asleep….it is a form of escape for me, it was like I was asleep, unconscious of anything going on around me. This is unacceptable to allow within me so I am writing this down and getting it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowingmyself to give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when there is no happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue a thought of happiness, or a feeling of happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself form reality through searching for happiness. It is unacceptable as myself as life. Giving up on this life is committing suicide.