Judging myself with Grammar.
So this revolves around and within Intelligence and Sophistication Believing it to be valuable. I believe that intelligence and sophistication has power within/as it, so I have started to define myself as this to try and make myself believe that I have some type of power over others. This is within Ego. So from when I remember I was not that popular…desiring popularity I started to make myself look for another type of power….one that opposites popularity. That I saw was intelligence, Sophistication. Someone who does not have a lot of friends is always intelligent or sophisticated…and all that high-class shit. So I have tried to uphold the image of myself being intelligent or sophisticated by Judging myself for speaking ill, not speaking according to the definition that I hold within/as sophistication/intelligence. This is all for a form of control of myself so that I can hold myself to only being this definition for power, I control myself by judging myself so that I become that which I judge, so for example if I use a word that does not match my definition of intelligence/sophistication, I judge myself for it making myself feel bad for using it, and not wanting to `feel bad` I then try and not use it again thus controlling myself to become that definition of intelligence/sophistication. Again I want to be perceived as intelligent/sophisticated so that I can not feel inferior to people to have friends, to people who are popular, so that I can use my `knowledge/intelligence` to prove to them that I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to people who are popular, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for/as/by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be popular, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be significant.
So I have tried to gain the perception of being intelligent/sophisticated to gain power over people who are popular as I saw them as stupid, as being dumb, as purposely talking about Tv, Women, And other things as such, So I surrounded myself with investigating things, looking into the world, and this started off with conspiracy theories, and thus within that I tried to hold my belief of being superior through/as knowledge to those who were popular, believing that I am significant for knowing this and that they are less than for not. As well I held this for emergency situations lol of feeling inferior where I could go into my data bank of knowledge and `say` something, more like repeat something to make me sound intelligent in which I hope the other would feel the same and thus I would not feel inferior to another person, so I have felt inferior to people who I have seen as more intelligent than me, trying to find more information and knowledge so that I could spit more meaningless shit to uphold the image of me being superior through the belief of me being intelligent/sophisticated. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to speak from myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use myself to speak. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as valuable within/as words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take credit for other words spoken, then repeating them as my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others ideas as my own and trying to make myself sound intelligent/sophisticated .
Judging myself for not being popular.
I have judged myself for not being popular/ not having friends. I have seen friends as support and that one is accepted through/by having friends. I have judged and valued myself as less than people who have friends as I have seen friends as valuable. That I am valued by having friends…as having more friends is like having more `support` for self, Thus being valuable..having others support you because of the belief of Value….That is why we have politicians and leaders, because we value them and support them. So I have judged myself as being inferior/not valuable because I was never `able` to accumulate friends. But knowing the friend structure, it is just a game of pointless talk, there is no support there for life, No one talks about life the whole friendship construct is blinding for me…I do not think about life I do not exist as life, I am a personality, trying to be personable trying to be accepted when I am `friendly`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value popularity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friends. I forgive myself that I have nto accepted and allowed myself to see friends as people. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from people within using the definition of friends. Again…a bit of procrastination so I have lost my place.
I have judged myself for not being popular. I have believed myself to be less than people who have friends. I have seen them as more important as theygot more attention than me, so being popular is about wanting attention. I have desired attention to feed my ego. Again this process always ends up about humbleness, to not care about whether you get attention or not getting attention that you remain stable as yourself within any situation, that is really cool. Again I have written about this point within desiring support around friends….that wanting to be around friends is a point of support for me which is only a point of support for my ego, only a point of support of believing who I am. Judgment only comes from ego, to remove ego I remove all judgment all belief of what is valuable, all belief of who I am, and I just become. So popularity is just what it is, no value, humbleness exists within me, I take a hold of that humbleness and stop all of this desire of attention of ego, of supporting my ego, I support myself with breath and not energy that I create through believing myself to be who I am through validation by/other peoples reactions to my words, actions, thoughts, ideas, anything that comes from me I stop validating through other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to valuedate myself through/as others reactions towards me. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by/how other people react to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation for a belief of who I am. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am something. I am not a belief. I only am.
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