Looking for Stimulation within energy

Feb 23rd 2011 4:15pm


I m wrting here with nothing to write about, know ideas of what to write just myself and the computer and movement. I do not know what to write about, I have no certainty, so I must decide. There has not been anything about myself that is worth writing about. I did not nap today, I have been losing myself in backchatting while at work. I have been reading a introduction to politics book, that I did not return to my highschool. I have been breathing differently.

The breath that I am using, is one that is quick and strong and shallow. I am using this to stop my my thoughts and focus on myself as breath. Instead of using the same pattern of breathing, I have been using this type of breath and it has been working quite effectively and I am enjoying myself within/as it. I was ignoring my thoughts using this breath at first, but I have been using it to stop them and move past them. What would happen is backchatting is I would know that a thought is coming up or a judgment or whatever and I would breathe but not stop the thought, I would still allow it to pass, within this breath I find it easier to focus on myself as breath and within breath and not focus on myself within the mind stopping myelf within the mind. Stopping myself within the mind means placing myself within the physical. I have been doing it differently - stopping myself while still being in the mind. Stopping myself within the mind and not stopping my participation within the mind. I stopped myself within the mind out of fear. A good example of this was while I was at work a while ago I was fighting with yawning, I felt it coming and wanted to stop it I was fighting with it and it came further and I had to completely stop myself physically, it was a robot shutting down, just stopping within one moment everything, freezing myself. I stopped the yawn then and there and then continued my work. I did not stop myself from participating in the mind, I stopped the mind as me. I was fearing yawning in that moment. I did not place myself in the physical as breath, I just stopped like a fucking robot. Stopping the mind will not do anything, as I power it, I must stop myself from participating within the mind. I am not the mind so stopping myself within the mind is only temporary, obviously when I do that I `shut down` and when I place myself in the physical I start becoming aware of my breath and my presence here.



Feb 23rd 2011 4:34pm

I realized that I was participating in energetics. I noticed that I was watching skateboarding videos and not focusing on myself or reading desteni material or watching videos or doing something productive. I was within an energy of `hyperness` and I was not placing myself here within that or stopping myself within that. I calmed myself down and allowed myself to place myself here. And within this I am much more directive. I am not directed by the energy in which I would have been watching or looking for something to `stimulate` me. I noticed this only when it came to a point where I did not know where to go. I have been to all of the sites that I usually go to for skateboarding `news` and was still feeling antsy, I was thinking about playing a video game and applying myself in that direction and decided against it, I then thought…`where do I place myself then`? Meaning where do I place myself with all of the energy that I am within right now. Within that moment I realized that I was participating in energy and this was limiting me from writing myself out effectively as writing does not `stimulate` me. I slowed myself down with a slower breath. So I used energy within breath and slowed myself down and removed it with breath. It is aswell as an `awareness` of myself here. I placed myself here instead of within the energy looking for something to stimulate myself with within that energy. I was looking for something to place myself within as the energy, so that I could `feel` something. I do this frequently with skateboarding. On the walk to work is when I do it the most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I am in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from participating in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within breath, within the physical when I am participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to calm myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here through participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value within doubt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place value within life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place value within the physical expression of myself.