Desiring a cigarette and doing what is best for me

Mar 14th 2011 4:08pm


I got home from work a while ago made food and sat down to watch a movie. I allowed myself to give into this point, as I knew that writing would be a better choice to move upon. The movie was inglorious Bastards, and they were smoking quite often within the movie. I started to desire having a cigarette, and was struggling to move past it, I was not standing in that moment. I was not standing because I chose to not write, I chose to sit and stray away from myself here within breath. At a point where I was thinking about buying a pack, and there was an energy within my chest about to, I realized this point, got up got my book and started writing and within the decision to start writing I stopped wanting a cigarette because I no longer accepted myself to continue that pattern of giving up on myself through continuing to participate within watching the movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stray away from myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what is self-honest within my choices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a movie instead of writing myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with movies

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid doing what is best for me.

7:15pm

A relevant point here is that I was just skateboarding with friends and I would want to relate to them and I have done so in th past by giving up on stopping smoking. This time I realized that I do not want to be associated with them as they do not stand for life, they do not stand what is best for all. So it was easier for me to say no to that want to relate. I went skateboarding before writing myself out and placed that before doing what is best for me. Some forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put self-interest above doing what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize skateboarding over writing myself out and placing myself here and doing what is best for me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto friends

I realize what friends actually are now, they do not support one as life. Friends are there to support MCS and bullshit participation within/as life…if one accept and allow it

I realize that I do not want to relate to friends and that relating to friends now will be the death of me

I realize what is important for me to participate in and prioritize.

I stop allowing myself to participate in bullship friendships

I stand for life and stand with all who stand for life and do not stand with people who do not stand for life.

2 Year Time loop

The specificity of the 2 year Time loop Feb 10th 2011 5:18am


I woke up today for work and I took a piss and found a wet spot on my boxers. I thought this was from me spilling water that I drank as soon as I woke up. I touched it and felt it, and it did not feel like water. I thought that I pissed myself but again it was too small. I then came to the conclusion of having a wet dream. Now last year at this point within my process, I had my first wet dream as I was not masturbating and I was constantly thinking about sex. Same point here. So there had to be a release somewhere. This is quite specific and shows me exactly where I am within the time loop. At this stage last time I continued to search for that happiness and love and bullshit and light, and bliss and forget about everything…which I did create for myself. I went into that position and lost where I was before that only now coming out of the haze. I am glad for this point as I now know that a point that is coming is the want of bliss within my life…yet I have been cutting out all happiness, so I am definitely ready to face that point. I have been not allowing myself to participate in the energetics of happiness, and I have stopped deluding myself within the belief of love and the search for love. I have started to participate more effectively within removing contructs and points within me that I have been accepting and allowing that I have within been allowing myself to not focus on myself and the situation of this world.

The specificity of this is really quite interesting. As I have worked at the same exact job as I was 2 years prior. I moved out, It have had thoughts of moving back in with my mother, to which I know will allow me to be more effective if I pay her and take responsibility monetarily to live here, but I am also content at where and how I am living on my own. That point I just realized. And I know now where that will lead me as I see the pattern. So the specificity of the time loop shows me where I am and where I must go. I have been allowing myself to fall on this point of doing everything for myself…meaning going to a Laundromat and doing my own laundry and establishing an internet connection at my place or creating an effective internet usage for myself. The time loop within this point was that I moved back to my moms house and was not working, and was living off of her and relying on her to take care of me, then the conflict started to rise allowing myself to get kicked out. And the time loop before that was again conflict and me getting kicked out to my dads, where again I was not working, smoking weed all day, and not taking responsibility for myself.

Simply I know what is going to come within the pattern and what I must do to remove this pattern. There still is one more year within the time loop, so interestingly enough there are points that are still going to come or will come in a year from now. It seems as though the points have compounded and are here now, instead of within the future. Ah ok so I understand that the process reversed. The love and light shit I am moving through now and taking care of now, whereas I am only starting to remove myself from ego and starting to focus on the world and not my world. To which 2 years ago it was reversed.

Sorry, let me explain the wet dream shit. When this point happened last year it was my first wet dream. It was quite memorable, and it is flagged within my memory. And this point is coming again. The same `playing field` exists. So now that I have had a second wet dream in my life there is only one other point that I can place it within which is what I was facing a year ago. Now that I have gone through that point and fallen on it, finding out the consequences I am ready to face this point now, through living through it and experiencing it , thus knowing it. The exact same physical play-out is manifesting in my reality through as me and I know that I am responsible for it.

So through experiencing exactly what happened 2 years ago and `knowing` that there is a time loop, I can find out what is happening in my reality and I can see how I am creating it. So I am creating this point because I am allowing myself to go into happiness and bliss within my mind hoping and desiring for a relationship to experience that eternal bullshit and obliviousness, as well as thinking about sex frequently, I am re-creating this point now, and it is interesting because if I fall on this point I allow myself to fall into my mind and focusing only on my own bliss when the world is compounding the hell existent, which is the entire time-loop of myself, and it going in reverse is the compounding of it. Because if I `fall in love` *resistance to typing those words* then I will not be focusing on the reality of this world and thus fall on that point as well.

So simply focus on this world and research this world instead of following my desires/wants.