Feb 24th 2011 5:41am
I am here having coffee and finishing my breakfast before work. Yesterday I did go the full day without any naps and slept 4 or 5 hours I cannot remember. When I got home from work yesterday I could feel me getting tired. I went to my moms to pick up a government check and I sat down to watch some videos and during one I started to get heavy eyes. I was opening and closing my eyes and found it hard to keep them open. I did not want myself to fall asleep so I looked and found a solution. Each time prior to this I would have most likely fallen asleep. This time I breathed. I breathed hard and fast and this kept me up, this kept me aware and able to here Bernard’s voice. I focused on his voice and not his words. I had to breathe quite `roughly` to keep myself awake in that moment and from not falling asleep or allowing myself to sleep. I ended up putting my head back and my eyes closed and I `slept` for about 3-5min. I was unconscious of this, and as soon as I became conscious of this meaning I had to think that I am asleep to wake myself up, I got myself up.
That is an interesting thing. I have experienced this quite a number of times. I would push my alarm clock and not realize that I have closed my eyes again and am unconscious. I then think about myself sleeping and that I should be up where in I then become conscious that I am asleep and wake myself up. This has happened with school. I have pushed the alarm fell back to sleep and slept through being `on time` for school. As I was sleeping I thought about school, and somewhat became aware of the position that I was in, and realized that I was still sleeping and thought within the moment of waking myself up `Oh shit I am late`. I have missed a few tests due to this. And I am going to start to get up when my alarm goes off. Today that even happened for 2 minutes. I had to piss so I ended up waking up 45min before my alarm and thought about staying up but did not and decided I would enjoy more sleep. The alarm went off, I set it for a half hour later, and repeated the same thing. I then woke up at 5:15 and had to piss again. I stopped the alarm, and laid there, I ended up closing my eyes unconsciously, and fell into `sleep mode`, where in I became aware that I did this…I became aware of the moment that I closed my eyes, I did not become aware of myself within the moment…neat, I became aware of what I did within the past….I was still existing within that one moment of closing my eyes, so I realized this and woke myself up, not knowing how much time went past…it was only 2 min. I have done this with hours and minutes, it all seems like the same amount of time because I still exist within that first moment of closing my eyes. I did not see the fact that I became aware of the moment I closed my eyes before writing this. That is a compromising position to place myself within so I am going to start to wake myself up when the first alarm goes.
Showing posts with label Unconscious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unconscious. Show all posts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Exception
I started writing about Excuses and then watched a bit of Inception and it turned out like this.
When I make an excuse I do not want to face something. When I make an excuse it is because I have always been looking for a reason to be excused from taking responsibility for my actions. I have just fucked with myself within/as my mind, this is most likely from sleeping so much, I am going to push through this. When I do not want to be self-honest I make an excuse, whenI do not want to face something I make an excuse. I use excuses to justify my own dishonesty. There is really no point in lying to myself anymore, I can take the truth, and even if I am abuseful within it I can take it, as I have always been abuseful without knowing it, and now I know it and I can face it and even continue it if I want to, it is facing myself and I am not afraid of facing myself any longer. It is not scary, I know that I am abuseful, I know that I am dishonest, but I do not need to be dishonest anymore, I will be self honest. Excuses are just used to be dishonest with yourself, as well are justifications. They all promote the exact same thing which is not being honest with self and direct with self. I am going to direct myself and not allow myself to abuse myself. When I make an excuse I do not want to face the fact that I am abusing myself so I put up a front that is like a flower shop or a grocery shop, like mafias do, they put up a front to the extortion, drug dealing, prostitution that goes on behind the scenes. And that is what I do when I make an excuse, I put up a front so that what I am doing is not front and center and not able to be directly faced. It Is really intricate at how I do this…It is all to escape myself, all to place myself within another idea, situation, make believe idea/situation. I do not need to make excuses, excuses allow me to take myself away from what I am actually doing, making myself believe that I am an within an idea, I am here and here is not an idea, it is the physical, all thoughts allow me to create a false reality, to not think is to actually see what is here, it is to actually see what is here. Here is just the physical reality, but it is REAL it feels it touches, it BREATHES, it exists, the red brick wall in my mind does not, I cannot feel it, I cannot be hurt by it I can only imagine it, and imagination is not real, and to play with myself throughout/with using my mind is really abusive as I am not placing myself in reality. The minds reality is something that has been self-created. And the physical reality is something that we all live in that is aswell self created, as we are the power of the Earth…we are the controllers and if we are controlled than the controllers of the controllers control the world, so the systems and programs that we have GIVEN ourselves to have been the creators of this world, as us. So everything that we are and is within this world is the system, that being so means that this world is fucking hard to transcend because we have hidden ourselves DEEP within ourselves, creating many many many layers of deceit to deceive ourselves of who we really are…but really we haven’t been the creators, initially what happens is that the parents have become the systems and then make the children follow the systems, with rules and regulations and if they are not followed then abuse happens and through that abuse one becomes subject to the world and then allows the implantation to no longer be abused. Yet we always get abused no matter what, this world is abusive, so if one give into becoming this world they too become abusive and decide to not realize it. We are responsible for prolonging this abuse.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inception
I watched the movie Inception and I found it to be completely interesting. I enjoyed it. So the movie is based on this group of people that attach themselves into peoples dreams so that they can access their subconscious to gain secrets...Information. What happens is that a energy company is at war with another company and want to gain absolute power and not let the other have absolute power, so they hire this group of people to place an idea into the rival energy companies heir's head that he wants to destroy the company. This is what they call inception, placing an idea into ones head.
What is interesting about this movie is that they explore the mind entirely, the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, and a level they call limbo. When placed inside a dream they can access the beings subconscious in the entire world around them, through talking to the people because they are all projections.
They go around finding people in real life to act as their `professions` within a dream state, so for example they try and find an architect to place themself within the dream to create the dream world. They find a fraud, someone who replicates casino chips to make money, to recreate and act as someone who the dreamer knows. The fraud would look like and talk like the person that the dreamer knows, so that they could manipulate the dreamer into more information. This entire movie revolves around deception. They all try and deceive the dreamer to gain information.
After this movie I had more of an understanding of the mind which was interesting! I was watching Maya's video response to voice tonality and I could see and understand the entire consequence and reality of a reaction, on how it is not real and how it is a complete possession. A Reaction is when one goes into the mind and becomes completely controlled by it through not wanting to face or realize a point through fear of losing itself. And this mind takes us over completely, so I saw what it means to be possessed by the mind and how we allow it and how fucked up it truly is. Like A reaction to words said to you, like you are fat, if you go into a reaction it is the fear of being fat and the belief that you are fat coming into play. This is absolute possession and control. We are allowing this to take over our LIVES. So I looked at a definition I held of a past girlfriend because I noticed that I would still think about her every so often. So I looked at that picture of her in everything that it was, I forgave...Truly forgave, myself on believing that to be her, and then realized that if I saw her in the physical that the picture presentation I had of her would be irrelevant to what she actually is within the physical, So I was able to let that go unconditionally and absolutely.
Forgiveness for me is much more effective if I forgive within and as myself without words. I have to look at myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within and as my mind, look at it and then forgive. When looking at it within the mind I can see the entirety of the belief or perception or idea of something and unconditionally let it go with forgiveness. I must forgive myself first when looking at it and then I can speak it and mean it knowing that I do forgive myself rather than speaking empty words that I cannot stand behind because I have not lived them within the moment or know what they really mean.
So this is what helped completely. In the movie the main character is holding onto a belief of who his wife is, and the belief is surrounded by guilt and from that guilt comes regret and not being able to let it go, which is completely relevant to what desteni has brought forth within information. So he was holding onto a belief of his wife even though she died. She would still be within his mind fucking with the dream state of anothers dream, because all of their subconscious would come through and she was a large part of the main character that he could not let go. I looked at this point of that, even though it is jsut a belief it has immense consequences within the person because it becomes them. So I looked at any belief I had and looked at it entirely and forgave myself for believing it and within that moment I could see the reality of that which I believed to be. So If I were to believe a Person to be special or happy or sad or any `definition` I forgave it and could immediate see what they were in reality, no within any set definition. And I saw that they were me....deceptive lieing, polarity based, judgmental, mental (lol), etc.
I enjoyed this movie quite a lot because I was actually able to take away a better understanding of beliefs, I suggest you watch it and if you do not understand the movie start to research psychology, only a little through, then watch it again and see if you can understand it again. And Check Self-forgiveness as well because what I found interesting as well is that it was suggested within the movie to the main character to release his guilt.
What is interesting about this movie is that they explore the mind entirely, the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, and a level they call limbo. When placed inside a dream they can access the beings subconscious in the entire world around them, through talking to the people because they are all projections.
They go around finding people in real life to act as their `professions` within a dream state, so for example they try and find an architect to place themself within the dream to create the dream world. They find a fraud, someone who replicates casino chips to make money, to recreate and act as someone who the dreamer knows. The fraud would look like and talk like the person that the dreamer knows, so that they could manipulate the dreamer into more information. This entire movie revolves around deception. They all try and deceive the dreamer to gain information.
After this movie I had more of an understanding of the mind which was interesting! I was watching Maya's video response to voice tonality and I could see and understand the entire consequence and reality of a reaction, on how it is not real and how it is a complete possession. A Reaction is when one goes into the mind and becomes completely controlled by it through not wanting to face or realize a point through fear of losing itself. And this mind takes us over completely, so I saw what it means to be possessed by the mind and how we allow it and how fucked up it truly is. Like A reaction to words said to you, like you are fat, if you go into a reaction it is the fear of being fat and the belief that you are fat coming into play. This is absolute possession and control. We are allowing this to take over our LIVES. So I looked at a definition I held of a past girlfriend because I noticed that I would still think about her every so often. So I looked at that picture of her in everything that it was, I forgave...Truly forgave, myself on believing that to be her, and then realized that if I saw her in the physical that the picture presentation I had of her would be irrelevant to what she actually is within the physical, So I was able to let that go unconditionally and absolutely.
Forgiveness for me is much more effective if I forgive within and as myself without words. I have to look at myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within and as my mind, look at it and then forgive. When looking at it within the mind I can see the entirety of the belief or perception or idea of something and unconditionally let it go with forgiveness. I must forgive myself first when looking at it and then I can speak it and mean it knowing that I do forgive myself rather than speaking empty words that I cannot stand behind because I have not lived them within the moment or know what they really mean.
So this is what helped completely. In the movie the main character is holding onto a belief of who his wife is, and the belief is surrounded by guilt and from that guilt comes regret and not being able to let it go, which is completely relevant to what desteni has brought forth within information. So he was holding onto a belief of his wife even though she died. She would still be within his mind fucking with the dream state of anothers dream, because all of their subconscious would come through and she was a large part of the main character that he could not let go. I looked at this point of that, even though it is jsut a belief it has immense consequences within the person because it becomes them. So I looked at any belief I had and looked at it entirely and forgave myself for believing it and within that moment I could see the reality of that which I believed to be. So If I were to believe a Person to be special or happy or sad or any `definition` I forgave it and could immediate see what they were in reality, no within any set definition. And I saw that they were me....deceptive lieing, polarity based, judgmental, mental (lol), etc.
I enjoyed this movie quite a lot because I was actually able to take away a better understanding of beliefs, I suggest you watch it and if you do not understand the movie start to research psychology, only a little through, then watch it again and see if you can understand it again. And Check Self-forgiveness as well because what I found interesting as well is that it was suggested within the movie to the main character to release his guilt.
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