Waking Up

Feb 24th 2011 5:41am


I am here having coffee and finishing my breakfast before work. Yesterday I did go the full day without any naps and slept 4 or 5 hours I cannot remember. When I got home from work yesterday I could feel me getting tired. I went to my moms to pick up a government check and I sat down to watch some videos and during one I started to get heavy eyes. I was opening and closing my eyes and found it hard to keep them open. I did not want myself to fall asleep so I looked and found a solution. Each time prior to this I would have most likely fallen asleep. This time I breathed. I breathed hard and fast and this kept me up, this kept me aware and able to here Bernard’s voice. I focused on his voice and not his words. I had to breathe quite `roughly` to keep myself awake in that moment and from not falling asleep or allowing myself to sleep. I ended up putting my head back and my eyes closed and I `slept` for about 3-5min. I was unconscious of this, and as soon as I became conscious of this meaning I had to think that I am asleep to wake myself up, I got myself up.

That is an interesting thing. I have experienced this quite a number of times. I would push my alarm clock and not realize that I have closed my eyes again and am unconscious. I then think about myself sleeping and that I should be up where in I then become conscious that I am asleep and wake myself up. This has happened with school. I have pushed the alarm fell back to sleep and slept through being `on time` for school. As I was sleeping I thought about school, and somewhat became aware of the position that I was in, and realized that I was still sleeping and thought within the moment of waking myself up `Oh shit I am late`. I have missed a few tests due to this. And I am going to start to get up when my alarm goes off. Today that even happened for 2 minutes. I had to piss so I ended up waking up 45min before my alarm and thought about staying up but did not and decided I would enjoy more sleep. The alarm went off, I set it for a half hour later, and repeated the same thing. I then woke up at 5:15 and had to piss again. I stopped the alarm, and laid there, I ended up closing my eyes unconsciously, and fell into `sleep mode`, where in I became aware that I did this…I became aware of the moment that I closed my eyes, I did not become aware of myself within the moment…neat, I became aware of what I did within the past….I was still existing within that one moment of closing my eyes, so I realized this and woke myself up, not knowing how much time went past…it was only 2 min. I have done this with hours and minutes, it all seems like the same amount of time because I still exist within that first moment of closing my eyes. I did not see the fact that I became aware of the moment I closed my eyes before writing this. That is a compromising position to place myself within so I am going to start to wake myself up when the first alarm goes.

Exception

I started writing about Excuses and then watched a bit of Inception and it turned out like this.

When I make an excuse I do not want to face something. When I make an excuse it is because I have always been looking for a reason to be excused from taking responsibility for my actions. I have just fucked with myself within/as my mind, this is most likely from sleeping so much, I am going to push through this. When I do not want to be self-honest I make an excuse, whenI do not want to face something I make an excuse. I use excuses to justify my own dishonesty. There is really no point in lying to myself anymore, I can take the truth, and even if I am abuseful within it I can take it, as I have always been abuseful without knowing it, and now I know it and I can face it and even continue it if I want to, it is facing myself and I am not afraid of facing myself any longer. It is not scary, I know that I am abuseful, I know that I am dishonest, but I do not need to be dishonest anymore, I will be self honest. Excuses are just used to be dishonest with yourself, as well are justifications. They all promote the exact same thing which is not being honest with self and direct with self. I am going to direct myself and not allow myself to abuse myself. When I make an excuse I do not want to face the fact that I am abusing myself so I put up a front that is like a flower shop or a grocery shop, like mafias do, they put up a front to the extortion, drug dealing, prostitution that goes on behind the scenes. And that is what I do when I make an excuse, I put up a front so that what I am doing is not front and center and not able to be directly faced. It Is really intricate at how I do this…It is all to escape myself, all to place myself within another idea, situation, make believe idea/situation. I do not need to make excuses, excuses allow me to take myself away from what I am actually doing, making myself believe that I am an within an idea, I am here and here is not an idea, it is the physical, all thoughts allow me to create a false reality, to not think is to actually see what is here, it is to actually see what is here. Here is just the physical reality, but it is REAL it feels it touches, it BREATHES, it exists, the red brick wall in my mind does not, I cannot feel it, I cannot be  hurt by it I can only imagine it, and imagination is not real, and to play with myself throughout/with using  my mind is really abusive as I am not placing myself in reality. The minds reality is something that has been self-created. And the physical reality is something that we all live in that is aswell self created, as we are the power of the Earth…we are the controllers and if we are controlled than the controllers of the controllers  control the world, so the systems and programs that we have GIVEN ourselves to have been the creators of this world, as us. So everything that we are and is within this world is the system, that being so means that this world is fucking hard to transcend because we have hidden ourselves DEEP within ourselves, creating many many many layers of deceit to deceive ourselves of who we really are…but really we haven’t been the creators, initially what happens is that the parents have become the systems and then make the children follow the systems, with rules and regulations and if they are not followed then abuse happens and through that abuse one becomes subject to the world and then allows the implantation to no longer be abused. Yet we always get abused no matter what, this world is abusive, so if one give into becoming this world they too become abusive and decide to not realize it. We are responsible for prolonging this abuse.