Fear of Sharing That I am part of Desteni and Reactions within a Conversation

Apr 4th 2011


So today there was reactions within me about talking about desteni with a friend of mine. We were catching up and talking about anything new or interesting happening within our lives and I meantions that I was going to Houston, She asked why and I said it was to meet with a group of people deliberately not mentioning the word desteni or what is was about, I cut myself of within that moment not allowing myself o explain further, to which she replied to meet your Bald friends? I said yes and in this moment I was ok with it. I have had reactions about talking about desteni because I have accepted and allowed the reactions to influence me of other when I have spoken about it within the past, and in this moment I realized that since I am online and `out` with it people know without me telling them. I enjoyed that there was no reaction and that there was acceptance within her, which shows that I do not accept myself as a destonian, still trying to hide within my personality, who I have defined myself as when I have interacted with her or any friend within the past. An interesting point came up hereafter where I was able to speak clearer on subjects and was not so afraid to share a perceptive that I have gained from participating in desteni. There are still a few thigns that I flagged within the conversation where I accept and allow excuses and justifications for things, and was resistant to speaking about resonant points, meaning that she mentioned that she had pains within her back shoulders and neck to which I backchatted about the resonant points and what they would be, and within that I allowed an excuse within her of it being based on going out and drinking last night.

During this time too I felt a point of not wanting to let her go do her own thing through a fear of loss, within which I notied it and did not allow myself to further participate in it because it would have lead to depression as I have noted before. I stopped within that moment and breathed and separated myself from the situation energetically, within which I then moved myself back to myself and took the smile off of my face. It was a point fo not wanting to let go of the happiness that I was creating around her and through the interaction with her. So I stopped within that moment and brought myself bak to myself and stood as myself and moved as myself, not allowing myself to rely on her for any experience of myself. So I was able to breathe more within this meeting and conversation, It was not constant as there was still some backchatting going on and some reactions. I notice that I can breathe in every moment but my lack of applying myself and removing that fear of loss of who I have defined myself as still exists, and within that it is stopping me from breathing here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing who I have defined myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing who I have defined myself as to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing and experience of myself to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to rely on another being for an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in each moment that only I create the experience of myself, within which I do realize that only I create the experience of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that antoher creates an experience of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on other to experience me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an experience

An experience is simply a moment and I am not only one moment I am all moments of myself and within which defining myself as an experience is limiting myself to a certain specific time/experience of myself and thus I enslave myself to time/experience/past/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a personality

A personality is a method that I have developed within the fear of survival and the fear of loss to hold onto that which I have defined as me and thus I am not a personality, it is only a systematic method of `surviving in this world` or `getting by within this world`

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept personality as a way of getting around within this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality as a way to get around within this world instead of using self-honesty

Slowly and surely I am going to move within self-honesty within this world and thus remove the fears of beign accepted and fears of losing myself

I am here within this moment not completely certain of that last self-corrective statement, as I feel that I can do it now but I am allowing the fears to control me. So the words slowly but surely are why they are there because I fear diving head first into it, I would rather get my feet wet first. And within this I did today, I got my feet wet within removing this personality and I liked it as I was able to direct the situation much more effectively, not allowing pre-programming or programming to interfere with solutions.

so YES I am removing these fears and I am applying myself to move in this world within self-honesty starting within this moment.

Reaction Towards Looking out for Only Myself and Not the group

Reaction towards Being a light-worker an agreeer and a knowledge person who Only cares about myself and not the entire group…

I must focus on me as life as all, and focus on what is best for ALL, Ok so now this point is relevant…Me focusing only on my life. My life is fucking fine!, I am rich, I have internet access I have food, I have everything that I need to live and more, yet I am still looking for more, wanting more money so that I can support myself better…For instance I am waiting until I have enough money to get internet, to support an EMS. I am waiting for me to have enough money, so that I can always have a basis of 3000 in my account out of fear of losing my job…which has become relevant right now, but nevermind. I am waiting to save money so that if anything happens I have a support so that I do not need to find money immediately..I will but I mean within the context of the exact moment. So I have been putting off and only saving for myself and not wanting to spend money at all, so that I can save to survive. Wow all ego, So If I have all that I need why not give now? I do not see any more point in collecting more and more and more money if I am not going to invest it and use it properly. So I have only been focusing on myself within my application of my money, that I do not give to others what I would like to receive which is consideration for myself as life. And I can invest in EMS and Desteni to give consideration to that life because I support something that does consider what is best for ALL. I am going to do this but I would not like to be so focused on myself…and not so full of myself, The problem is that I do not care about myself thus not caring about others.


I have only been focused on my own life, and how to establish a position for me that I am completely stable within as I fear the instability of this world…how it can drop out from you if you do not direct every moment. Just like now My might get laid off from my job that would provide benefits in 1 ½ years. So this was unpredictable and I am not back to again not being stable and worrying about the future of my income, and how to support myself effectively. I feel that I am too focused on my life and not myself as life, and trying to be grand in life, trying to make my life grand rather than living…the feel, I feel like I am doing an injustice to all that suffer by only focusing on my life, but I must place myself in a position that I can support others, and I must support myself first, so that I am able to support others, and to support myself first would to first focus on my life.

Still only focusing on myself and not the group, I am still focusing on ego and supporting myself as ego. Just like how I become happy within believing that I am effective and supportive within my application of myself. It is still about me, So I removed being happy through believing I am effective, I will share and not hope or wish my words to be effective or supportive, they may and may not, it is a learning process, as well that it does not matter, If I think I can help then I will. Not for happiness, not for myown beliefs but so that their experience becomes easier, or there is insight into it. Not for an energetic experience of myself….when This reaction occurs since I have written about it I have stopped it.

Reading Matti’s post on facebook, yes it is true that one has to make money to establish self appropriately within the world to support all life. I have not seen effort in me to look at the whole, there are times when I have and do look at the whole, but for the most part I have been focusing on me and worrying about my application and involved in ego. I see this because I have been writing and vlogging from ego, to support my belief of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support/entertain a thought/belief of myself as being `good`. I focus majorly on my own life, and I rarely am caring about anyone elses, and seeing myself as better, trying to be better. I am still playing a game of popularity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on my life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on myself as ego. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support ego, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to all life living on this planet, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only correct myself and that takes me looking at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write from the starting point of ego.

Inception

I watched the movie Inception and I found it to be completely interesting. I enjoyed it. So the movie is based on this group of people that attach themselves into peoples dreams so that they can access their subconscious to gain secrets...Information. What happens is that a energy company is at war with another company and want to gain absolute power and not let the other have absolute power, so they hire this group of people to place an idea into the rival energy companies heir's head that he wants to destroy the company. This is what they call inception, placing an idea into ones head.

What is interesting about this movie is that they explore the mind entirely, the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, and a level they call limbo. When placed inside a dream they can access the beings subconscious in the entire world around them, through talking to the people because they are all projections.

They go around finding people in real life to act as their `professions` within a dream state, so for example they try and find an architect to place themself within the dream to create the dream world. They find a fraud, someone who replicates casino chips to make money, to recreate and act as someone who the dreamer knows. The fraud would look like and talk like the person that the dreamer knows, so that they could manipulate the dreamer into more information. This entire movie revolves around deception. They all try and deceive the dreamer to gain information.

After this movie I had more of an understanding of the mind which was interesting! I was watching Maya's video response to voice tonality and I could see and understand the entire consequence and reality of a reaction, on how it is not real and how it is a complete possession. A Reaction is when one goes into the mind and becomes completely controlled by it through not wanting to face or realize a point through fear of losing itself. And this mind takes us over completely, so I saw what it means to be possessed by the mind and how we allow it and how fucked up it truly is. Like A reaction to words said to you, like you are fat, if you go into a reaction it is the fear of being fat and the belief that you are fat coming into play. This is absolute possession and control. We are allowing this to take over our LIVES. So I looked at a definition I held of a past girlfriend because I noticed that I would still think about her every so often. So I looked at that picture of her in everything that it was, I forgave...Truly forgave, myself on believing that to be her, and then realized that if I saw her in the physical that the picture presentation I had of her would be irrelevant to what she actually is within the physical, So I was able to let that go unconditionally and absolutely.

Forgiveness for me is much more effective if I forgive within and as myself without words. I have to look at myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within and as my mind, look at it and then forgive. When looking at it within the mind I can see the entirety of the belief or perception or idea of something and unconditionally let it go with forgiveness. I must forgive myself first when looking at it and then I can speak it and mean it knowing that I do forgive myself rather than speaking empty words that I cannot stand behind because I have not lived them within the moment or know what they really mean.

So this is what helped completely. In the movie the main character is holding onto a belief of who his wife is, and the belief is surrounded by guilt and from that guilt comes regret and not being able to let it go, which is completely relevant to what desteni has brought forth within information. So he was holding onto a belief of his wife even though she died. She would still be within his mind fucking with the dream state of anothers dream, because all of their subconscious would come through and she was a large part of the main character that he could not let go. I looked at this point of that, even though it is jsut a belief it has immense consequences within the person because it becomes them. So I looked at any belief I had and looked at it entirely and forgave myself for believing it and within that moment I could see the reality of that which I believed to be. So If I were to believe a Person to be special or happy or sad or any `definition` I forgave it and could immediate see what they were in reality, no within any set definition. And I saw that they were me....deceptive lieing, polarity based, judgmental, mental (lol), etc.

I enjoyed this movie quite a lot because I was actually able to take away a better understanding of beliefs, I suggest you watch it and if you do not understand the movie start to research psychology, only a little through, then watch it again and see if you can understand it again. And Check Self-forgiveness as well because what I found interesting as well is that it was suggested within the movie to the main character to release his guilt.