Who I am within/as Homework

I have recently built up a fear and resistance to doing my English assignment. I would attempt to start working on it and complete the assignment and I would start to fear my application of myself within/as the assignment and the grade that I may achieve. I built up this fear to the point where I would immediately judge myself as inferior to my English assignment, projecting myself within/as the grade and defining myself within/as the grade that I may or may not get, effectively stopping myself from even attempting to complete the assignment.

One day I simply started to do it. The fear, the inferiority, the projections were all there yet I did not pay attention to them. I bypassed the fears and projections and through bypassing them I placed myself here and started to work on the assignment. I placed the point as 1+1=2, meaning I must first re-read what I previously wrote to understand the context I was creating for my assignment, then I must further create the context to support my thesis, I must then start the body paragraph etcetera. Through placing my actions within the physical reality and then doing them I did not give any attention to the fears and inferiorities that I felt at that moment and thus was not hindered or subject to them. I breathed looked past my emotions and looked at what practically physically I have to do to achieve my goal, and within this it is easy to see how emotions affect our seeing of the physical reality = placing physical actions into skewed perceptions of the actions of/as ourselves believing to be more or less than said physical action instead of equalizing ourselves to the physical action and then DOING IT lol.

The belief of what I was doing as more than me and the fear tied to the belief of being less than + me accepting that as real was hindering me from me getting me to simply do the assignment. Through breathing I stepped out of the emotions and fears and was able to direct myself here physically. The fears and inferiorities still exist to an extent but it is much easier to move past them and get myself doing the work, as I know that the fears and beliefs are not real and I simply move past them to doing the work = I give little attention to the fears when they arise. I acknowledge that they are there but give no further consideration towards them.

Looking at myself doing the English homework, I believed myself to be something in regards to the English homework instead of myself here in stability. I would have normally done the homework and let it go at that, but in order to stop my fears and to make sure that I wrote clearly and coherently I had to re-read my essay and fix up the corrections = I had to face my fear in/as who I was within/as homework. I have always feared revising my work due to finding a plethora of `mistakes` and wanting to uphold a belief of myself as being perfect, so re-reading my essay and finding and correcting the mistakes was supporting as well, because I actually gave myself the chance to correct the mistakes while still applicable, meaning I did not hand it in yet, thus it is not set in stone. If I were to follow what I would normally do, I would have handed it in without facing myself within/as my work and most likely manifested my fears of getting a lower grade than I would attempt for. So again I moved through a little part of the fear of being a failure and making mistakes through/as re-reading my English assignment and correcting the mistakes that I found, making the essay coherent and comprehensible allowing myself to get a better grade. 

The main memory that pops up in relation to this build up of fear is in grade four my first assignment that I had to do outside of school I got a D on because of my lack of application of myself. I threw it in a closet at school and left it there not wanting to face it, or deal with it as me. In this instance I saw myself as a failure. I did not want to accept myself as a failure and I hid the evidence of myself within/as being a failure so that I would not have to face it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative charge to the word failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a failure as less than instead of realizing that within/as failure I have room to grow and to understand why/how I failed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of being a failure within/as homework not allowing myself to approach homework from a fresh and clear starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as fear of being a failure within/as the education system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure within//as the definition of permanence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing myself within/as my own definition of myself as a failure

Acceptance of our entire existence here on Earth

Moving into education again.
I have an opportunity to do correspondence and get my high school grades up so that I may be able to attend a college or university and I have been delaying/resisting moving on this point

I am resisting it because I do not see a purpose in school. I have a life that I enjoy, and within that I do not want or need anything more than what I have, yet I see that this life is not one that I would ultimate enjoy leading…as I will be stuck in this life.

I was looking at the resistances of taking an online course and it was a point of seeing it as valueless, meaning I have already mapped out my life and I see that now. I have accepted my death already, I have accepted my entire life already based on what I am and am not willing to move within. I looked at the resistances towards going to school and they are invalid. I would rather have the opportunity to expand than be stuck in the life that I am leading currently.

Having my grades improved will help me get into a college and then get a better paying job, and even if I decide to not go to college the opportunity will always be there, I will not be limited in what I can and cannot due, which is what I am doing within directing myself and my life currently, as I am limiting myself in expansion due to not improving my grades.

I have decided to move within taking the correspondence courses to improve my grades, and thus I have decided to move my life on rather than being stuck in my current reality.

Resisting moving within taking correspondence courses would only limit myself further in where I can place myself within/as the system. I think that we all do this in one form or another = we accept how our lives will be lived out early on and then hope for something new each year. We accept ourselves as how we are and dare not move past/through who we are accepting and allowing ourselves to live as and through that we are accepting and limiting ourselves in who we can become and live as. We accept a daily pattern and we become accustomed to living that out day after day and fear to move past it. I feared to move past my current accepted patterned lifestyle because then my reality becomes uncertain, as if I were to not give myself the opportunity to go to college I would always know what was ahead of me in life…I would know my daily pattern for the rest of my life, and we all come to this point in our lives.

I see this point as a diminishment of life = we don’t allow ourselves to ever expand when we fear moving out of the accepted patterned reality that we have become accustomed to and thus we live ourselves as a pattern daily and then we ourselves become a pattern and limit ourselves from expanding. Generation after generation we have done this and accepted this itself as a pattern in a whole of how life is. Find a job and SETTLE into a lifestyle in which we can know the outcomes due to a patterned lifestyle and within this always hope for something better but never take the responsibility to get it done, as within hope we take away our responsibility to direct ourselves in our lives.

This accepted way of living is a programmed reality = we know due to a pattern/program what the outcome is going to be, yet we allow hope to blind us from realizing that we ourselves must make a change to our reality to expand = to break out of the daily lived/accepted pattern.

I have chosen to take the courses so that I have the opportunity to expand in/as my reality and to not accept my current way of living for my entire existence here on Earth, giving myself an opportunity to expand.

Helping build a Well Educated Work-Force

I have been reading the Province of Ontario’s budget plan for next year. One thing that they have been mentioning is re-building schools and upgrading them as well with a full year for kindergarteners.

One sentence pops out at me that I just read. “Ontario is also investing in full-day kindergarten for four- and five-year-olds

as part of the Province’s plan to build a well-educated workforce.” This is saying that school is here to effectively ut children into the system so that they too have to be dependent on money for survival, saying that we are going to start at an early age to feed these children knowledge so that they may have the `knowledge` to perform jobs for this system and so that they too can keep this system running just as we did when we were children, and just as we are doing now.

This showing that education is just not that = education. It is a feeding of knowledge that will only allow oneself to become effective within the system, a system of abuse, of ignorance, of hell in fact. This is stating that education is not there for educating a person unconditionally, it is saying here that the education system in only there to select feed students certain bits of information so that they may effective distribute and gain money for/as the system so that this system is prolonged because `this is all we know` `this is what we must keep and protect` and thus children are enslaved from the start to become money producers within/as select feeding them bits and pieces of knowledge.

From my experience in school and then in my search within the world for something different is interesting to me. In high school I was quite bored with all the information that was being shared, sure there was some cool stuff but nothing that really Assisted me in terms of my being, of my quality of life. The One class that I found interesting was Media Studies, where we were to examine the media and how it manipulates an individual to buy an object, product, or service, how it uses certain colours and images to influence the observer to influx a series of emotions that will allow them to associate those feelings with said product, or service. Now that is a course that assisted me in terms of life, in terms of assisting me as life to better my quality of life. That is something that I could live and thus see the manipulation and in seeing it  am not as affected by it because I KNOW it = information that I could live and test out for myself = Education. I found no other course in high school similar to Media Studies.

So Since I found school boring and I had no real interest in getting my grades high as I saw them as irrelevant in that time, I started t investigate other things, things that they did not teach in school. I started looking at Esoteric Knowledge, which is knowledge that is not commonly held by people. Eventually this searching through esoteric knowledge lead me upon Desteni which has assisted me tremendously in terms of my quality of life, provided me information to live and see the system for what it really is, see myself for what I really am. It has allowed me to understand the sentence “Ontario is also investing in full-day kindergarten for four- and five-year-olds as part of the Province’s plan to build a well-educated workforce.” Where before I would not have understood that, I would not have looked behind what the words are saying, what the words are meaning, I would have only took the face value of those words, but there are many layers to everything in this world.

This education system is not here to support us as life to understand ourselves as life, how to treat life equally to ourselves as this Earth, it is here for giving select bits and pieces of knowledge to influence the children of this Earth so that they too can become infused within/as this system and thus support this system so that the system survives, not life, as life is being destroyed, corrupted, abused, manipulated in this current system. Life is Far from being supported within this current system, and that is what the current educational process that we will or have been though leads to = further support of this system of abuse, harm, destruction, rape.

Education System

I am reading the book generation debt and there is a paradox within this book that will lead to the same shit just compounded. So the whole problem that is facing the education system is the fact that getting a higher education is costing quite a bit of money, and within this people are having to get loans to pay for college thus ending up with debt at the end of it having to pay off that debt for another 10 years after they have graduated. The extra problem in this is that the degree that they go to college for will not provide them a job within their field to sufficiently pay off their debt and support themselves within the system. So a few quotes within the book simply state that we must get parents to get larger loans to help their offspring to go to school and finish school…but that still leaves them with the same fucking problem! That just compounds the problem. The parents are then left with the debt which many cannot pay off…just because they are `parents` does not mean that they can simply pay for one to go to college. I suggest do not take out a loan unless you know that you will be able to pay it off, and do not collect debt, as debt is the death of many people in this world.


The advice from `experts` is irrational they are just speaking from a financial point of view, an economic point of view. Banks benefit and the colleges benefit but the people don’t. They still end up with debt..so the experts are only trying to support the banks and colleges further in trying to get more students to go to college by trying to convince the parents to take the debt just so that the kids can afford the entire way through college only to end up on the other end still with no opportunity for a job and then still having that debt and still in the same position

So here is a contrast between me and my sister. She went to college, I didn’t. K so she decided to go to college, she ended up taking out a $10,000 loan to put towards her 3 year education at the college. She went there for a year and decided that she did not want to continue. That loan now needs to be paid off. They only allow it to continue if a person continues their education. She is in a very tough position financially right now, using up every last cent of her income to pay off debt and loans. And there is not much that she can do, but to only continue this until she has got herself out of debt. As well my father co-signed for the $10,000 loan to help her and if she can’t pay it, which she will not be able to, he is going to have to pay it in full, as again they only allow the loan to continue to collect interest if someone is in school, and since she is out they are demanding that she pay it off. So this creates a large conflict between her and my parents because of the money factor, which is sad because this shows that relationships are all dependant on money.

I did not go to college. I was living at home jobless from 18-20, until I started to get kicked out. I ended up getting a job and saving up enough to rent out a place, and then I ended up getting another part-time job to help with money. I am now working 2 part-time jobs, and do not mind where I am at financially. I have no debt, I am actually able to save some money for me to go to school if needed, and I am making sure that I have enough money to go before I decide to go so I do not create unnecessary debt for myself. So I know that within 2 years I will be have at least $10,000 saved up to go to college or further my education where necessary, and again I will not mind doing this for 4 years if need be to make the money for me to go to college. I was able to set myself up financially and take responsibility for my income early on and get myself prepared to go deeper into the system. The only issue right now is job-security, I have one job secured but the other is definitely needed and am working on stabilizing that point.

So right now the education system is taking a turn for the worst. I suggest until governments start funding the education system or until an Equal Money system is put in place do not go to college unless you KNOW that you have the money. And unless you KNOW that there is job security within that field. I am able to support myself by working 2 part-time jobs. Do not take out debt that you know you will have a hard time paying back. It is useless to participate in the system where the individual is constantly fucked around only for profit of banks and colleges. As well An Equal Money System will erase all of this shit existent within/as this system so Support it if you can use common sense.