Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Morning Writing

I Have just woken up and I have been trying to write , and this trying is a physical thing. My computer keeps breaking down. So I have not been able to write…well here I am now. I got up and immediately wanted to sleep more. I still feel this way. I feel heavy, and the thought of an extra hour of sleep in a pleasure. The thought of sleep is something that I enjoy. I enjoy it as the idea of sleep, of just relaxing my body and drifting away into the mind where I do not have to be aware, or conscious. Right now I see it as a point in which I move through time, and to give into my feelings. I am feeling and feeling of weakness, in my forearms and legs, As well in the tendens within my forearms connected to my fingers. This happens when I am tired. My forearms become weak and moving my fingers becomes a bit harder, they become stiff and to move my fingers from that stiffness is weird, as if I am waking myself up through using my fingers. Because that’s what happens, I stop typing my forearms become weak and my fingers become immobile, and I start to drift off to sleep,

I woke up not too long ago took a piss in that drowsy state when waking up, and have not been fully awake for a while. I am still allowing myself to exist within a drowsy state by not breathing. Well enough of that. So I woke up took a piss and had a glass of juice. I was thinking about what to eat and or do and could not find anything to attach myself to so I decided to write. I enjoy writing tremendously, it is an absolute please to create words out of myself and place them in physical symbolized form. So I decided to write and get myself physically warm and comfortable to enjoy as much as I can out of this. I am still placing myself in that feeling of drowsy need. I do need to get up out of bed and eat something and start my day, yet I am reluctant as this is very comfortable and I enjoy it and getting out of bed means taking responsibility for myself….Looking at this I apply myself in getting out of bed and there is a large resistance to this , I want to sleep and stay here and simply close my eyes and fall away. It sounds pleasurable, falling away from this reality…but my mind is not real, I do have to let it go, I am not real within my mind, I am not real through defining myself within/as the mind. I am not real within a definition. Ok so I am getting up and eating something

So I got up, got dressed and ate and had a cup of coffee so far. Right now I feel much more awake and here. I yawned at the start as I was not aware of my movement but giving into the mind as a system to systematically move myself and not take actually responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind to not take respnsiblity for each and every movement I make wthin the physical reality as well as mental reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind, allowing the system I have created and am responsible for to direct me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself here in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through not placing myself and directing myself here in EACH moment within/as breath as me as life.

I am glad that I woke myself up today. Writing out write now is a pleasure. As well I am glad because I have struggles with this point, and now I see I only allow myself to struggle with this point because I simply do not want to give it up…that is why I know that I am going to give up happiness because I want to now let it go and I now can let it go because I do not want to hold onto it any longer, so what is interesting is that I no longer experience frustration when I participate in memories of happiness, I simply stop and place myself here and continue because I know that I do not want to hold onto it so I let it go by not getting frustrated over it which is completely cool.

This computer has now become un-reliable. It keeps on freezing…the image does at least. There is something wrong with the power cord plug in. So I either get it fixed or buy a new one…I am drawn to buying a new one as I see it as being a lot more useful in terms of performance and productivity…but really I simply want a new laptop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through using ideas and words to justify my wants. So yes I simply want one, now I must save to get there. I do not have a lot of money left for spending so I am going to have to wait and really save my money.

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