Greed

Greed is an affiction. Always wanting More, Through my Experience I became absolutely possessed by Greed. So I am going to start with when I was saving and searching thousands of pronographic pictures. When I was masturbating heavily, I was searching for photos when I was not actualy performing the act of. When I would get home from where-ever or whatever,  I would sit on the computer and search and save any photos that I found an attraction within. I did this endlessly. I was addicted to finding more and more and more and more, I knew that there were more out there. I kept on wanting more than what I have. This came from an experience of the internet going out due to a lightning storm...within that moment I wanted to masturbate but had no stimuli. So from there on I started saving photos for a rainy day. This ended up turning into thousands of photos. I became greedy and kept on wanting more than what I had. Within this I was not able to stop, I was doing this for masturbating which I was already addicted to and I kept allowing myself to search for more stimuli, beleiving that I do not have enough to stimulate me.

Another one is downloading movies, and again wanting more to fill a library with, and being able to search constantly for more. I search and download constantly so again I can have more. I am doing this right now. Downloading another movie so that I can add it to my collection...it is something about collecting and having more which is greed. That the more I collect the more I can blind myself with shit...I am possessed by the posessions. When I was saving photos I went through that about 4 or 5 times of saving thousands and then deleting them all. It started to become a game of how many I could download. It is a form of saving myself, defining who I am. I am saving these movies on this computer, so that I have them at a later date, so that I have who I was within this moment at a later date. I thought about deleting them and am reluctant as I have defined myself within/as the experience I created within these movies...same thing with the pictures, I defined myself according to the energetic attraction I had to the photos. Same with music, I no longer do it with music, but Many people define themselves by/as the music they listen to and only like their music. So I have defined myself according to what I have collected or what I have wanted to collect.

This goes for food as well, where I do not feel full and I want more continously. This was unstoppable when I was high...I did not stop this when I was smoking weed. I would endlessly be eating and would not stop this always creating this hunger within me. As well as Video games where I would play it endlessly, and money.

Right now I am taking on money as this encompasses the enitre form of greed within me. I am always wanting more and more money and try to not spend any and when I do have to spend it I become nervous. I recently have become greedy with money. I moved out on myown and at the start I had just enough to pay first and last rent, and had to wait for food, so now I am fearing not having any money to support myself. So I am trying to save every cent, trying to save my life, I use the word trying because it is not accomplished. This came to a point where I was abusing myself with the food that I was eating and how I was living. So I have started to allow myself to buy food whenever I need it and buy whatever food I want, not limiting myself on money. This whole thing of collecting more and mroe and more until the day comes where I cannot access it is interesting. I have not seen it clearly before. Nor do I now but it is a bit clearer.

I am only harming myself within this. I am not loving myself giving myself what is best for me which is a variety of foods and food when I need it. So simply this is going to stop. I have started to not fear spending money on what I need. Becuse I know that I have the money, I know that there really is no fear of not having it and if that time comes then I will deal with it then