Who am I at my Mother's?

May 22^nd 2011
Who am I at my Mother’s? About every weekend I will spend at my mother’s. While here I `fall` in the aspect of not writing myself out, blogging and I will watch videos and tv series on the internet here. At my home I will write more and at the library I will write more and participate in desteni much more, I will watch videos I will write I will participte more although this is slipping extensively.

While here as I am here at my mothers now I experience myself in a form of protection as growing up I had this `protection` revolving around money. That here I am supported so therefore I do not support myself I rely on support or believed support from my mother in terms of money. Here the internet is free, I have everything here I need as life to support myself for free...food, shower, shelter, internet in terms of being informed and keeping up to date on things as desteni and news all in one place so here I experience myself as comfortable. At home I must move myself physically around the city to get to places for all of these things, I do not have internet at home so I must move myself to go to a place that has internet, and while I am out I must either bring food or go out and buy food, I must continually travel to support myself while I am living at my house. While living at my house I have to continually move to maintain myself where here everything is in one place.

Here since this is all owned by my mother I experience a point of being able to let go and not need to support myself, which is bullshit, and I am not supporting myself unconditionally in every moment equally. I have before wanted to again just remove this point from my life but that is JUST a justification for not facing myself in letting myself go while here. It is a `knowing` that here I will be supported and that I have an opportunity to let go and not support myself in which I take that opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself equally in all environments
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my environment to support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `give up` on myself when feeling comfortable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am supported by something outside of me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only I can support myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on others to support me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself in all ways always
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am supported by something outside of me
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to support myself in all ways always
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the idea and belief of comfort and thus `relax` on myself within investigating myself within/as this feeling of comfort
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only support myself when I am at my house
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on being at my house to support myself within investigating myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself when feeling comfortable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate, apply self forgiveness, apply self-honesty in all ways always
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself one and equal basing myself on my environment/feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on feelings to support myself

In each environment I stick to myself supporting myself not relying on my environment/feelings/ideas about myself to support myself. I commit myself to writing myself out daily and focusing simply on myself in what I am allowing within myself and within my world and commit myself to write myself out in what I am going through, apply self-honesty. While at my mother’s I look at the points in which I am not facing and the points of `giving up` through/as watching meaningless videos to support ego and `fun`

Memory Enslavement of MYself

Feb 20th 1:37pm 2011


I have been experiencing a thought in which I think more and try to define myself within that thought, that though being I do not know how to experience myself in this moment. I now see that within those words I create the experience of myself. When I think that thought I start to think about how I must experience myself within that moment. Should I experience myself as less than, more than, weak, strong…what is going on in terms of the outer world, and how should I relate myself to the outer world through my past in deifning myself as the experience I believe I should be within this current moment. That is the thought and thoughts that come up when this happens. I think about how I should be within that moment and how I should create myself as within the moment in relation to my past. It is absolutely habitual. It comes `naturally` I mean automatically. I define myself as the experience through a past memory of myself, and define the outer situation through a past memory as well so that I can relate it to something as myself through my past and then within that make myself as the experience I was within that past memory. Ok so for example: I will not know how to experience myself in a moment…that is the thought that comes up. I will then look at the outer experience/situation, and relate that to some part of my past. I will then look at how I have defined myself within that past situation and then place the experience of myself accordingly. Again this is automatic. I find it hard to stop this. When I breathe through this there is not thought nor any reaction or any experience of myself. It is a lot `nicer` to be within breath that is for sure.

I will run through many experiences within the moment of uncertainty of myself, and `grab` one that is relatable, and then define myself as that experience in the current moment. When I breathe I stop and place myself here directing myself which is cool, as there is no uncertainty nor any question of who I am within the moment, nor any definition, I only am here within the moment. That is how I have defined and enslaved myself to the past = within uncertainty of myself. I have trusted my past to define myself within the moment. Why? Why is my past reliable? Because it has already happened and the now is happening unknowingly, so I use the past to `prepare` myself to for the future of the current moment by defining myself as a past experience that I `know` myself within and believe that the current moment will play out the same way as the memory…or I Create it that way by placing myself as a memory. That is the answer I have come up with yet the past is not reliable because it does not exist now, the present is unknowable, so to rely on the past to define myself within the present is useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within a past experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on a memory of myself to define myself and experience myself within the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto myself as past memories to rely on as a tool to define myself within the current moment and experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to a memory of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use knowledge and information as a past memory of myself to rely on defining myself within the current situation/moment/experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself within breath within each moment new allowing myself to experience myself within the present moment thus not being a slave to my own creation of myself as memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `remember` myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to enslave myself within loops of myself by allowingymself to place myself as a memory, believing that the situation is going to play out the same way as the memory, when really I am creating it to play out the same way through placing myself as a memory, enslaving myself to that experience of myself, allowing it to loop, thus enslaving myself to a pre-program of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I enslave myself and create my reality as loops thorough placing myself as a memory of myself.