Fear of Sharing That I am part of Desteni and Reactions within a Conversation

Apr 4th 2011


So today there was reactions within me about talking about desteni with a friend of mine. We were catching up and talking about anything new or interesting happening within our lives and I meantions that I was going to Houston, She asked why and I said it was to meet with a group of people deliberately not mentioning the word desteni or what is was about, I cut myself of within that moment not allowing myself o explain further, to which she replied to meet your Bald friends? I said yes and in this moment I was ok with it. I have had reactions about talking about desteni because I have accepted and allowed the reactions to influence me of other when I have spoken about it within the past, and in this moment I realized that since I am online and `out` with it people know without me telling them. I enjoyed that there was no reaction and that there was acceptance within her, which shows that I do not accept myself as a destonian, still trying to hide within my personality, who I have defined myself as when I have interacted with her or any friend within the past. An interesting point came up hereafter where I was able to speak clearer on subjects and was not so afraid to share a perceptive that I have gained from participating in desteni. There are still a few thigns that I flagged within the conversation where I accept and allow excuses and justifications for things, and was resistant to speaking about resonant points, meaning that she mentioned that she had pains within her back shoulders and neck to which I backchatted about the resonant points and what they would be, and within that I allowed an excuse within her of it being based on going out and drinking last night.

During this time too I felt a point of not wanting to let her go do her own thing through a fear of loss, within which I notied it and did not allow myself to further participate in it because it would have lead to depression as I have noted before. I stopped within that moment and breathed and separated myself from the situation energetically, within which I then moved myself back to myself and took the smile off of my face. It was a point fo not wanting to let go of the happiness that I was creating around her and through the interaction with her. So I stopped within that moment and brought myself bak to myself and stood as myself and moved as myself, not allowing myself to rely on her for any experience of myself. So I was able to breathe more within this meeting and conversation, It was not constant as there was still some backchatting going on and some reactions. I notice that I can breathe in every moment but my lack of applying myself and removing that fear of loss of who I have defined myself as still exists, and within that it is stopping me from breathing here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing who I have defined myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing who I have defined myself as to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing and experience of myself to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to rely on another being for an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in each moment that only I create the experience of myself, within which I do realize that only I create the experience of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that antoher creates an experience of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on other to experience me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an experience

An experience is simply a moment and I am not only one moment I am all moments of myself and within which defining myself as an experience is limiting myself to a certain specific time/experience of myself and thus I enslave myself to time/experience/past/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a personality

A personality is a method that I have developed within the fear of survival and the fear of loss to hold onto that which I have defined as me and thus I am not a personality, it is only a systematic method of `surviving in this world` or `getting by within this world`

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept personality as a way of getting around within this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality as a way to get around within this world instead of using self-honesty

Slowly and surely I am going to move within self-honesty within this world and thus remove the fears of beign accepted and fears of losing myself

I am here within this moment not completely certain of that last self-corrective statement, as I feel that I can do it now but I am allowing the fears to control me. So the words slowly but surely are why they are there because I fear diving head first into it, I would rather get my feet wet first. And within this I did today, I got my feet wet within removing this personality and I liked it as I was able to direct the situation much more effectively, not allowing pre-programming or programming to interfere with solutions.

so YES I am removing these fears and I am applying myself to move in this world within self-honesty starting within this moment.