Thursday, January 27, 2011

Emotional Turmoil

Ha, first thing felt was utter lonesomeness. So I was reading Lindsays blog post about why her and Joe broke up, and I was placing myself in a broken up position while reading that, the position of when My ex(Sarah) broke up with me. Absolutely, there was definitely Turmoil there and understand the affects of it after watching the Emotion Turmoil video. I was dependant on her to live for me. I was living vicariously through her. I gave no opinion in anything, It never `mattered` to me. Meaning I always followed. Through-out the relationship I see myself as a `cling=on` I would not let go. I believed that I needed her there to have some type of value in my life, and as I have written before I valued having a girlfriend. So holding onto her was a priority of mine…it is hard to find a starting point and move from there so this is going to be jumpy. I introduced her to desteni, and felt within myself judgement and embarrassment for the belief of it being `esoteric` and `odd` that was a belief I had then, and do not care what people think about it, I do not have thoughts about it, it is. So I was very uncomfortable sharing that with her, I was again dependant on her and she obviously held shit back about her thoughts on desteni, so when I brought it up the first few times I was attacked, and like in many other instances I set life aside for bullshit. I stopped talking about desteni for quite some time, My priority was keeping her around. I valued her life over mine. But not really, I valued her personality over mine, and was relying on her to support me as a personality through making decisions, and me following thus becoming her in a way. I gave up desteni for sometime, not entirely gave up, but really slowed down my participation and heavily involved myself in this relationship. Everytime I needed a refresher I would look up what was new for the material, although my participation could have been MUCH more. My writing started to become a point of blame and judgment, and not self-reflection, my writings were consisting of her that and her this. Looking at the Backchatting I was constantly thinking about breaking up with her, and moved on that point a few times, but I never followed through, this was a point of manipulation of me a form of scare tactics, to keep her around. The first time this happened I was feeling inferior and depressed and said that this was not going to work out, she broke into tears and within this saw how much I was wanted, and saw that through this I could keep her around, and that is what it somewhat became….a game of breaking up, as we `broke` up a few times. And truly I did want to break up, that was who I was in Honesty, I did not want to keep her around, I would have liked to move independent from her and focus on what I wanted to do, as I knew that I was giving up desteni for her and was giving up a lot of my `free` time to be with her. But I created that dependency, Value, and Reliance on that relationship, so I could not let it go. It felt liberating when I let it go the few times that I did, I `no longer` needed to worry about what she was feeling, I no longer cared about her thoughts/opinions on things. I am getting off of track here. So within backchatting I had hidden all of these thoughts, and within writing as well, I never allowed her to see my writings as they were full of blame. So I was constantly hiding myself and trying to deceive her to see a different person….that is why She broke up with me…I was not willing to let go, and she saw the truth. When breaking up I felt the energy absolutely dissipate, noticed this and said is there anything your holding back, she said no, and I said  when she is ready to tell me. So after an hour or so, she said that she wanted to break up that she no longer saw anything in me. Within this I was paralyzed, completely immovable, not out of fear, but realizing what is going on…ok yes out of fear, of realizing that I am now going to be alone and have no one to guide my within life. What is interesting is that I am sure this revolved around money. So I was not sure what to do…I was trying to stand on my own two feet again…this was a great lesson for me in who I have become. I had to go through this point to learn. So in the video Emotional Turmoil and Radical Relationships, Bernard explains that one will rush heavily into religion and/or spirituality, and at that point it was desteni for me, it was still something that it really isn’t for me. I felt lost and was trying to find out myself again, trying to restart everything…I was restarting everything as In that moment I was completely dependant and reliant on Sarah to live for me, to get me to live, she was my motivation to get up, although within using the word love I was deceiving her as within backchatting I was disgusted with her because I was disgusted with myself for giving up on myself and valuing her more. So she became my value to stay alive, to get up and to exist, so when we broke up I did not know where to go or what to do. I rushed back to desteni and participated fully, when I look at this now as I did when watching the video (Emotion Turmoil) there definitely is a point that I must physically move through and that would be a relationship that again I must remove because it is unsupportive within the terms of LIFE. I see that I must stand for myself when another point like that exposes itself within me, where I start to give myself up because of ideas and beliefs surrounding myself….I have started this process by removing ideas that I have of myself and bringing myself back to the physical living as my life, I still hold onto ideas around certain people that I have become comfortable being `this` around them, and have recently been removing that as past desires and inhibitions were flag points that I noticed…that around thepeople I felt comfortable with I wanted to smoke, and alone I noticed that I have stopped.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reliant and dependant on others. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to depend and rely on myself, trusting myself to hold myself up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female expression to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others personalities over my own life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value personality over life.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Again a bit off track, So I heavily invested myself into desteni again, knowing that there is where I needed to be to get back to life andplace myself in the `right` direction. I started writing on the forum and watching videos everyday again, There is regret towards giving myself up for a relationship, giving myself up meaning stopping participating in what I wanted to do for another, because I see that if I were to continue the way that I was when I first found desteni then I could have understood a lot more much quicker….so that is a desire to not have my history existent, to change my history…I have looked at this point yesterday and it is what it is, there Is no changing it, I am here and on the path, and being `farther ahead` in process is a lie and a deceit , I have to live with what is here and move myself with what is here and if it is unsuitable for the conditions of life then I take the time to remove it.

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