Self-Sabotage and Self-Trust

Apr. 3rd 2011 12:21pm


I ended up sleeping deciding to sleep for a bit, to move through some time while I waited for the day to begin after working. I slept past the time that I wanted to and within this I did not want to face the fact that I slept past that time so I slept more only compounding the problem. So I mean I cannot trust myself I have to check my starting point each time and I have to move on and within self-honesty or I will not be able to trust myself with my life which is definitely a problem. So to do what is best for me each and every moment within breath and not react like I have just done which is going out for lunch with my mom instead of staying here and writing myself out.

So I have noticed many times throughout the day I do not do what is best for me. I allow myself to go into thoughts about right and wrong within following a thought and debating whether or not I should when I know what is best for me within each and every thought, and within this, within the debate I know that I am debating for it when I should go against it, for example cigarettes, well not against it but disregard the debate and do what is best for me anyways. Doing what is best is simply not a debate it just is. It cannot be a question it is a statement. Like for example I will debate with myself whether or not I should do insulin at a particular moment and I will debate with myself on whether or not I should get up out of this lazy slump and do it. Many times I have allowed myself to go stay within that lazy slump putting off doing what is best for me which is insulin until later = when I get up. This is self-sabotage, where I chose to stay in my lazy slump and put off doing insulin in which I then go high and feel uncomfortable and then do damage to my body by doing this. So I have been self-sabotaging myself for quite a while and recently I have been judging myself for this separating myself from it, not taking responsibility for it and for changing it as me.

So slowly I am moving past each point of self-sabotage and judgment for sabotaging myself. I have to accept myself as that to change it because if I do not then I am separating myself from it giving it power over me.

Slowly breath by breath

Self-Image and Getting off topic

Mar 22nd 10:45pm


Stopping the image of myself definitely works at placing myself here. It allows me to feel myself, focus on my physical feeling and disregard the Image and stop judging myself and others. Today I had more of a hard time stopping the image of myself and placing myself within the physical breath. As well as placing myself within the physical touch. The one thing that I have been distracting myself from me here is the sound people are making. I was distracting myself to the conversations people were having…I notice now that this is a similarity to gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eavesdrop on conversations backchatting about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about people having conversations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply focus on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply hear the sound



I stop judging people for what they talk about.

I realize that all talk is equal to and as talk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value `topics` of talk unequally

All Talk is Equal

And slowly enough I was not focusing on myself within the physical. And that is where I am now. I am here not being abe to focus on myself. Not breathing. Not taking responsibility. I can take this slowly, moment by moment feeling myself here write myself out, taking the time to place myself here correctly. I feel low on energy and wanting to sleep or rest and within this I am not placing myself here. (At that moment I knew that when I got home I would be sleepy and want to sleep and I did end up sleeping, so that Is a point I am going to start to investigate)

This morning I found it difficult to move, to get out of bed. I woke up form my alarm a Few times and each time I would think “Ok now its time to move” I would still lay there, I would have that thought in place within my body but I did not Re-act to the thought = a Reaction would have been getting up in that moment. I stayed in bed layed there for a bit and listened to music for a bit. Cool so now I am here focusing a bit better. I am wanting to smoke a cigarette, to keep myself here. (In that moment I realized that each time I brought myself here a thought would come up of wanting a cigarette, or food, or something to distract myself with. It was not to keep myself here but to distract myself from here) Anyways sleeping this morning was interesting Because…this is all coming from the mind I am not standing up right now and taking charge of myself here. Meaning that I am not placing myself within each word directing the outcome I am allowing myself to run a program of laziness within writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy right now (Lol not actual forgiveness, only a belief that that would fix the `problem`.)

As I layed in bed I was dreaming of getting up. I dreamt that I woke up and got out of bed this was interesting because I can see how I created this. I purposely created this so that I could believe that I was up and was doing what I needed to do. I make that dream and I made myself believe that dream was real. Only when I felt my physical did I realize this was a dream.