Self Trust is Actual Trust

My Trust in Others
While working with others now, I do not trust them. I do not trust many people to go through with the point. I do not like being able to control the point absolutely, as my life is directed within working with others. Trusting others now I am not entirely comfortable with. 

Through directing my life by myself for a bit I have gained trust for myself to direct each point alone.

One thing that I am relying on others right now is a phone. I recently lost my phone, and my sister has offered to give me her old phone which a friend of hers has. I am not able to trust her to get this done for me so I have been constantly reminding her about it. I have a phone of my own that is old and have been waiting on my sister to give me her phone which is `better` than the phone that I have. So I need a phone currently and I am thus without a phone so I have been pushing her to message her friend and get that settled out. But the point within this is that I am not trusting her to get that done for me. I am not in complete control of the situation. I am reliant on her to follow through, and there is a lack of trust within me. A trust with a knowing that she will get it done. I experience within me a point of not knowing of how things are going to turn out and a wanting of them to turn out in a specific way or time. So I push I remind to get things done when people are within my life and are responsible for directing a point that involves me.

Yes I must get over this point of not being able to control my reality when others are involved in it. I must move with the other equal and one as well with the point equal and one. Again taking the phone example here, I have  not been able to trust my sister to direct a point because her reality is falling apart and she is not taking responsibility for it, I see this within her and within that I cannot trust her to direct a point effectively.

Another example is that I am moving out with another person soon...possibly. It is being planned for. From my experience within the past if any point is left open meaning not discussed and considered then that point does not become directed and then I am left in the open with no direction for myself and I become confused and hectic within my direction, trying to figure out a solution for that point immediately. I have trust for the person I am moving out with, because they have shown themselves to be directive and responsible for their reality and do not waver easily on a point. There was a fear initially of not being able to direct that point effectively, and things being left in the open, but through communication things were solved and direction was created through prioritizing and moving with what we have here and not focusing on too far down the road. So within that there is not a fear of the point being directed effectively because I have seen their participation within their reality and their direction within their reality and through seeing that I am able to trust their ability to take responsibility and direct things accordingly.

Working with a group direction is a must. For example playing hacky sack a few days ago, when  the ball would end up in the middle and none of us would go for it and then the ball would fall = no one directed the point, the point was left in the open and then the point dropped. So within that working with a group of people if one point is not communicated and taken responsibility for it falls.

Bringing this back to myself there is a want to have each point directed and communicated and through experience I have had, if one point is not communicated effectively then it all goes to shit, and I stress and pressure myself to get the point sorted out as soon as possible. So the want to direct things and take absolute control of the point exists within me. I do not trust other people who I have not established a working together with. Like the point of moving out with another person I am able to trust that person as I have worked with her before and she has shown that she is effective within directing points.

Trust within another within this world I suppose is not existent. I must trust myself to direct each point alone. Meaning that I must push others to direct each point if it involves me as well. I must be able to trust myself to get things done effectively and leave nothing in the open. Self-trust is the only thing that I can move on and rely on, I can only rely on myself to move any and every point and direct it effectively even if emotion from the other comes up. I will have to trust myself to direct the point alone and not rely on another to direct a point that essentially I am responsible for. I must direct myself to direct the person if they are incapable of doing so.

Self-Sabotage and Self-Trust

Apr. 3rd 2011 12:21pm


I ended up sleeping deciding to sleep for a bit, to move through some time while I waited for the day to begin after working. I slept past the time that I wanted to and within this I did not want to face the fact that I slept past that time so I slept more only compounding the problem. So I mean I cannot trust myself I have to check my starting point each time and I have to move on and within self-honesty or I will not be able to trust myself with my life which is definitely a problem. So to do what is best for me each and every moment within breath and not react like I have just done which is going out for lunch with my mom instead of staying here and writing myself out.

So I have noticed many times throughout the day I do not do what is best for me. I allow myself to go into thoughts about right and wrong within following a thought and debating whether or not I should when I know what is best for me within each and every thought, and within this, within the debate I know that I am debating for it when I should go against it, for example cigarettes, well not against it but disregard the debate and do what is best for me anyways. Doing what is best is simply not a debate it just is. It cannot be a question it is a statement. Like for example I will debate with myself whether or not I should do insulin at a particular moment and I will debate with myself on whether or not I should get up out of this lazy slump and do it. Many times I have allowed myself to go stay within that lazy slump putting off doing what is best for me which is insulin until later = when I get up. This is self-sabotage, where I chose to stay in my lazy slump and put off doing insulin in which I then go high and feel uncomfortable and then do damage to my body by doing this. So I have been self-sabotaging myself for quite a while and recently I have been judging myself for this separating myself from it, not taking responsibility for it and for changing it as me.

So slowly I am moving past each point of self-sabotage and judgment for sabotaging myself. I have to accept myself as that to change it because if I do not then I am separating myself from it giving it power over me.

Slowly breath by breath