Monday, January 17, 2011

Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.

Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.

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