Losing a Document and Responsibility

Losing a document


I experienced sadness within losing a document that I had just written. I felt sad because I no onger have it. I defined myself as it. That it is worth something as me. That the document I wrote was time spent on myself.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and put worth in a document. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for losing something. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have lost myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to believe that I have lost myself within as my writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad for losing writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot write with the same effectiveness. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to not write with the same effectiveness.

Feb 9th 2011 3:12pm: Responsibility

Taking responsibility for myself in this world is to support and to take care of myself as life. I have been relying on others to support me. What I have recently looked into is me staying at my moms house. I come here because everything is in one place and supporting myself here was free and easy. I say was free because now I pay her to stay here. It is easy because everything that I need is within reach. Food, internet, shelter, cleaning utilities are all within one place. At my apartment I must commute to get to all of these things. So I have allowed myself to come here and support myself here. Responsibility for myself would be moving myself in this world by my own means. I have started to pay my mom to stay here because I felt as though I was abusing her and using her resources. So I started to pay her so that I make up for everything that I use. I eat here and I shower and use utilities, so I have started to pay her accordingly for what I use here. I see this as taking responsibility for myself, as I am not relying on her to do everything for me. I will pay her for each day I stay here. I thought that taking responsibility for myself was to payfor everything in my life and not allow anyone to support me whatsoever. I thought that coming here to use the things that I use is not supporting myself. In a sense it isn’t as I am still relying on this place to support me but I am not relying on another to support me. I am not using my moms resources freely. I am not giving myself or allowing myself to have a free ride. I am paying for staying here just like I would pay to rent at my place. The only difference is that this place has everything within one area, and that at my place commuting is a big time consumer. So staying here is all about time and efficiency for me. I would like to continuously support myself alone, as I do enjoy being alone. Here is JUST(ification) simpler to be effective within. Everything is here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify relying on my mothers place to support myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create my own place of living. What is best for me is to live on my own and create my own place. What is best for me is to live and gain experience supporting myself within my own life, not relying on anyone else in my reality to assist me. As I am relying on my mother for laundry…I do it myself but I rely on this place rather than doing it on my own at my place. I still have not used my place for doing laundry. I have always brought laundry here. So fuck morality and living outside of me. Looking at me and what I want for myself is to support myself entirely. That means living entirely on my own not reliant on anyone else for utilities or support. So that is what I am going to do. Simple. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debate on morals. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within morality of right and wrong. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for myself in what I want for myself. So I will live here for what I see as best for me, which is living completely stable and alone. So that I do not need to rely on another for food,shelter,internet, etc.

Paying my mom is an `easy way out` of the situation that I have created for myself. It is a simple way to cut out everything that I have to do and it actually is not taking responsibility for myself. As I am not living for myself as me for what I want for myself within this world and I truly want to live completely on my own, so that I can direct my world intensely. I mean this is a way of taking responsibility for myself as I am paying for my existence….hmm my definition of responsibility needs a tweak. So what I ws doing before was hoping that everything would fall into place or I would wait for the situation to come into play where I HAD to take responsibility. For example I was getting kicked out of my house when it sold, so I got my ass up found a job found a place and found another job and situated myself so that I had what I needed around me. In that I waited for myself to take responsibility for myself living in the matrix. I waited for the situation to come to me whereI had to support myself. I was living off of my mother and her means of money. I was not living off of my own means. Now I am somewhat living off of her means now, when I stay here but I am supporting myself staying here with my own means of money, so I am not taking freely but taking responsibility for this world within/as money. Meaning that I am taking responsibility for my life and what life has become which is movement of money. I am moving my money around so that I may support myself living here. Again though what I want for myself is to be able to live completely alone and to create my own reality where everything is in one place. So the only thing that I need in my place is internet. That is the only thing that I have trouble with commuting for, as I need to prepare myself entirely to go use the internet. I always force myself to vlog before I go so that I do not need to vlog there through embarrassment and fear of others and the fact that I would be vlogging with a person 1ft away from me. I must prepare food. I limit myself within not giving myself internet at my home. So directing my reality is taking responsibility for my reality. As well as directing the money movement which unfortunately creates my reality is taking responsibility, now this is responsibility for my outer reality. Taking responsibility for my inner world is the exact same where I take responsibility for what I allow. So right now I am allowing myself to live off of support from others and not supporting myself entirely physically and mentally. Simple. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself entirely physically and mentally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others for support of myself physically and mentally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to exist within reality for the complete manifestation of and as support. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to support existence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to be the decision for the quality of existence one exists within. That is why I am here…money, that is why I now pay her, as I was seeing this within me as using it as a free haven, but now it is not free, but it is a haven outside of me.