Monday, June 27, 2011

Self Trust is Actual Trust

My Trust in Others
While working with others now, I do not trust them. I do not trust many people to go through with the point. I do not like being able to control the point absolutely, as my life is directed within working with others. Trusting others now I am not entirely comfortable with. 
Through directing my life by myself for a bit I have gained trust for myself to direct each point alone.

One thing that I am relying on others right now is a phone. I recently lost my phone, and my sister has offered to give me her old phone which a friend of hers has. I am not able to trust her to get this done for me so I have been constantly reminding her about it. I have a phone of my own that is old and have been waiting on my sister to give me her phone which is `better` than the phone that I have. So I need a phone currently and I am thus without a phone so I have been pushing her to message her friend and get that settled out. But the point within this is that I am not trusting her to get that done for me. I am not in complete control of the situation. I am reliant on her to follow through, and there is a lack of trust within me. A trust with a knowing that she will get it done. I experience within me a point of not knowing of how things are going to turn out and a wanting of them to turn out in a specific way or time. So I push I remind to get things done when people are within my life and are responsible for directing a point that involves me.

Yes I must get over this point of not being able to control my reality when others are involved in it. I must move with the other equal and one as well with the point equal and one. Again taking the phone example here, I have  not been able to trust my sister to direct a point because her reality is falling apart and she is not taking responsibility for it, I see this within her and within that I cannot trust her to direct a point effectively.

Another example is that I am moving out with another person soon...possibly. It is being planned for. From my experience within the past if any point is left open meaning not discussed and considered then that point does not become directed and then I am left in the open with no direction for myself and I become confused and hectic within my direction, trying to figure out a solution for that point immediately. I have trust for the person I am moving out with, because they have shown themselves to be directive and responsible for their reality and do not waver easily on a point. There was a fear initially of not being able to direct that point effectively, and things being left in the open, but through communication things were solved and direction was created through prioritizing and moving with what we have here and not focusing on too far down the road. So within that there is not a fear of the point being directed effectively because I have seen their participation within their reality and their direction within their reality and through seeing that I am able to trust their ability to take responsibility and direct things accordingly.

Working with a group direction is a must. For example playing hacky sack a few days ago, when  the ball would end up in the middle and none of us would go for it and then the ball would fall = no one directed the point, the point was left in the open and then the point dropped. So within that working with a group of people if one point is not communicated and taken responsibility for it falls.

Bringing this back to myself there is a want to have each point directed and communicated and through experience I have had, if one point is not communicated effectively then it all goes to shit, and I stress and pressure myself to get the point sorted out as soon as possible. So the want to direct things and take absolute control of the point exists within me. I do not trust other people who I have not established a working together with. Like the point of moving out with another person I am able to trust that person as I have worked with her before and she has shown that she is effective within directing points.

Trust within another within this world I suppose is not existent. I must trust myself to direct each point alone. Meaning that I must push others to direct each point if it involves me as well. I must be able to trust myself to get things done effectively and leave nothing in the open. Self-trust is the only thing that I can move on and rely on, I can only rely on myself to move any and every point and direct it effectively even if emotion from the other comes up. I will have to trust myself to direct the point alone and not rely on another to direct a point that essentially I am responsible for. I must direct myself to direct the person if they are incapable of doing so.

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