Another Responsibility and Sleeping Blog

Feb 25th 2011 1:53pm


I woke up this morning earlier than my alarm to piss. I thought about my stance on getting up when I first wake up, which is definitely what I should have done. I then excused giving up on myself with the fact that the alarm still has not gone off, and that I can still sleep more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse abusing myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through excuses. I then went back to sleep for the extra 45 min that I had. I then allowed myself to press the snooze button many times, so that I could sleep more. I used the excuse of ‘since I have done it once already then it is fine for me to do it a second, third, fourth’ etc. I got up 15 min before I had to leave, ate and left. During the walk there I was fine, I was breathing and placing myself within the physical. When I got to work, I forgot all about breath again. I started to worry about what people would think of me and if they have read my blog or not, and whether or not I am being judged on my participation within desteni. I forgot all about breath and forgiveness within those moments, and I started to get quite exhausted. I did not want to work at that moment and became physically drained from worrying to that extent. I was not even aware of this until I wrote it out. During all of this exhaustion I was blaming it on not waking up, because within going back to sleep that first moment I did not take responsibility for myself and I noticed that I was dragging my feet feeling very sluggish because I was not taking responsibility for myself. Through out the time working I would keep my mouth shut and tight, and after a while my throat starts to hurt….as well my stomach but the stomach is anther point. I look at this through not taking Response Ability, I am not allowing myself to respond to the situation at hand, I am keeping my mouth shut, not placing myself within the situation, just observing as the physical, meaning that I no longer only observe with my mind but I am not physically possessed through/as observing. Within those moments I do not feel visible…well I do not want to be visible, I want to simply observe in those moment and not participate, that is why I am dragging my feet, because I am resisting participating. Through the time working and feeling sluggish, there were times where I would take responsibility for myself and get myself out of my mind and start to breathe and place myself within/as breath and the physical, where-in I would then immediately stop being sluggish, stop dragging myself and start to direct myself. These moments only lasted for a short while before I went back into my mind with that fear of judgment. I did not apply my forgiveness and self-corrective action of realizing that I am physically here as the physical even if someone now has a different perspective on me. I gave validity to the thought and fear of being looked at differently by my co-workers, and within that I fell into my mind. I did not experience any frustration or anger, I was still being sluggish and observant and that was it. I did not want to participate in the physical = take responsibility for myself here and placing myself here and directing myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the thought and fear of judgment from/as another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and value that judgment and validify that judgment of myself as `real`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through any and all backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself to take responsibility for myself through speaking to people, and responding physically to the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to systematically move myself through/as the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question the perception of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as a perception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within/as the physical and that I am not a perception or an idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a perception and/or an Idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely and knowingly give up on myself within waking up when I need to

I realized that I was going into anger and blame for waking up late and disliking the situation that I was putting myself in and realized that I am responsible for the situation and I must walk through it as it, and correct myself. So I let go of the anger and frustration from the start…this happened as I was about to walk out my door, I realized that I created the situation through/as my actions and that I must correct it, take responsibility for it, and fix/correct it. I then applied this to the entire world, and that is why we blame others for everything in this world…We blame nature, terrorists, neighbours, animals, cars, governments, everything that is not ourselves, to either ignore our responsibility or because we are not aware of our responsibility for creating the mess on this Earth. We have not looked at this world and said fuck we have created this…how do we get out? Nope we only blame more and then allow the system to become compounded and more fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely allow myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up from being sluggish and take physical responsibility for myself within the environment I am within.



This is cause and effect. I allowed myself to sleep in as much as I could not taking responsibility for myself within the physical as needing to eat well before I go to work. Within allowing myself to sleep to the very moment where I absolutely need to get up shows not taking responsibility for myself within the physical time limits and what is best for me, meaning that was is best for me when waking up and going to work is giving myself enough time to eat digest and prepare myself entirely for work, I did not give myself that time. As well it shows that I did not want to take responsibility for myself in going to work. This is all observation and I did not stand and participate within that moment.