Fear of Not Making Process

Fear of not making it

I have come to a realization within myself that I have been fearing making process and within that I am not taking the stance to stand eternally for all life. Lol Within this the fear is stopping me from actually making it, as taking a stance to stand for all life is actually `making it` as life is not involved in thoughts, it is here thus  must be equal to life in order to be able to assist it and support it.

Anyways I have been noticing a trend at times that I do not care whether or not I become abuseful = smoking or masturbation or even simply thinking about desires, acting on greed, = being of `human nature`. I –at times- wimply!!!! That was a type – simply do not care about making the important decision to do what is best for all life and within that I give into thoughts, desires, dis-honest actions, abuse towards myself and consequently others.

The opportunity poops up and I give it consideration out of a fear of not making it = if I am not going to make it then why even try to my fullest extent? Is what I live in that moment and within that I give into my own self-interests of experiencing and self-interested delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not making process and within that holding onto the fear allowing it to influence me in my decisions of whether it is `worth` it to stand up for life and within that manifesting my own `failure` within/as process
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect process to fear and within that fear my own fear
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the fear of not making process and allow myself to limit myself from actually standing as change eternally as what is best for life, making myself equal to/as life
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and hold back on making a definite change withinas myself and my living conditions/standards because of the possibility of `not making process`
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process that I am the decider of whether or not I will make process.

Within the fear of not making it I am limiting myself to practical action to do what is best for all. I am allowing myself to accept this fear as reality. Within accepting the fear as reality I am sitting on the fence, I am not making that absolute stand as what is best for all life as myself living it in each moment breath by breath.

This is not cool as it is LIMITING. I am not allowing myself to move past my systematic patterns which I have defined as myself due to fear of not making it and fear of changing. This fear is absolutely holding me back from me living as an expression of life instead of a Mind Consciousness System. I question myself – Do I want to be life…I do not know as I do not know what life is…so do I want to be a MCS? No as I see what I have been participating in and have been limiting myself within and I dislike living out the same pattern day after day after day after day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out the same patterns of/as my/the Mind consciousness system day after day after day because I am accepting this fear of not making it as real and am allowing the fear of not making it hold me back from removing myself from participating in the systems in which I have come to accept and allow myself to live as
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming life = breathing here in every moment when in fact I have no idea what that brings/would be like

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear something that I have no idea what it actually is
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find out what living life here in every moment is though applying myself as breath here in every moment doing what is best for all life here in every moment as myself as life as breath
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the fear of not making process as a reality
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of not making process is not a reality as I have no idea what it actually is thus I am creating an idea about what it is and thus the idea of what it is is not real because I have not lived being here in every breath as life as myself as an expression of life
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing through fear of losing who I have come to define myself as
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must then re-define myself when I remove myself
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within defining myself as ego/as what I believe myself to be when in fact it is not real, it is not me

I realize that I have not lived life in fact and thus have no idea what it is thus the fear of living life in fact as breathing here in every moment is irrelevant to what breathing here as life in every moment actually is
 

I stop the fear of not making it as it is not real
 

I stand here as who I currently am within the mind and remove my addictions/beliefs/ideas/separations etc from existing into/as my reality

 
I stand within an utmost effort to stop myself as who I have become within the mind
 
I stop all ideas about what living here as life as breath in every moment is

The Individual does Not Mattter

Mar 18th 2011 9:06pm


So when I fell I did not want to write and I did not want to vlog. I wrote but did not vlog. The expression that existed within me at that moment was `you better not show your face around here`. I did not want to show my face and I thought that I had disgraced process as a being or entity separate from myself. Thought that I had disgraced life as it is something separate from me. So I allowed myself to write myself out and this shows me that writing has now become a habit which is beneficial for me, but I did not vlog about it because I did not want to face myself within it. So now I vlogged about the point of depression and giving into this morality design within myself, and I realize that I am still here. There is really nothing to fear because I am still here. So all of this moral belief and ideas about myself being a good person or bad person or better person or less than person doesn’t exist nor actually affect me because I am still here and truly nothing has changed and nothing did change. I only became aware of the fact that I was moving myself within process out of the want to `make` it and become special and significant to myself…so that I can attain that belief of myself being special or significant…same point why I allowed psychosis to exist within me. So simply I have to do this process never for self any longer, but for others as self, study self as others, so that I may understand myself as others, and thus assist and support others. Participate within desteni to support an EMS which is best for the whole, which is best for all. It is not to focus solely on myself as an individual because on the whole I do not matter, no ONE matter on the whole, each one matters as the whole and if one does not participate in the whole then one does not matter. So within this right now not many people matter as most of us are still participating in self-interest only focusing on ourselves as an individual not as a part of the whole. So it does not matter whether or not I make it, does not matter if anyONE makes it, it matters if the whole is able to pull ourselves out of this hole we have dug ourselves into.