Who I am within/as Homework

I have recently built up a fear and resistance to doing my English assignment. I would attempt to start working on it and complete the assignment and I would start to fear my application of myself within/as the assignment and the grade that I may achieve. I built up this fear to the point where I would immediately judge myself as inferior to my English assignment, projecting myself within/as the grade and defining myself within/as the grade that I may or may not get, effectively stopping myself from even attempting to complete the assignment.

One day I simply started to do it. The fear, the inferiority, the projections were all there yet I did not pay attention to them. I bypassed the fears and projections and through bypassing them I placed myself here and started to work on the assignment. I placed the point as 1+1=2, meaning I must first re-read what I previously wrote to understand the context I was creating for my assignment, then I must further create the context to support my thesis, I must then start the body paragraph etcetera. Through placing my actions within the physical reality and then doing them I did not give any attention to the fears and inferiorities that I felt at that moment and thus was not hindered or subject to them. I breathed looked past my emotions and looked at what practically physically I have to do to achieve my goal, and within this it is easy to see how emotions affect our seeing of the physical reality = placing physical actions into skewed perceptions of the actions of/as ourselves believing to be more or less than said physical action instead of equalizing ourselves to the physical action and then DOING IT lol.

The belief of what I was doing as more than me and the fear tied to the belief of being less than + me accepting that as real was hindering me from me getting me to simply do the assignment. Through breathing I stepped out of the emotions and fears and was able to direct myself here physically. The fears and inferiorities still exist to an extent but it is much easier to move past them and get myself doing the work, as I know that the fears and beliefs are not real and I simply move past them to doing the work = I give little attention to the fears when they arise. I acknowledge that they are there but give no further consideration towards them.

Looking at myself doing the English homework, I believed myself to be something in regards to the English homework instead of myself here in stability. I would have normally done the homework and let it go at that, but in order to stop my fears and to make sure that I wrote clearly and coherently I had to re-read my essay and fix up the corrections = I had to face my fear in/as who I was within/as homework. I have always feared revising my work due to finding a plethora of `mistakes` and wanting to uphold a belief of myself as being perfect, so re-reading my essay and finding and correcting the mistakes was supporting as well, because I actually gave myself the chance to correct the mistakes while still applicable, meaning I did not hand it in yet, thus it is not set in stone. If I were to follow what I would normally do, I would have handed it in without facing myself within/as my work and most likely manifested my fears of getting a lower grade than I would attempt for. So again I moved through a little part of the fear of being a failure and making mistakes through/as re-reading my English assignment and correcting the mistakes that I found, making the essay coherent and comprehensible allowing myself to get a better grade. 

The main memory that pops up in relation to this build up of fear is in grade four my first assignment that I had to do outside of school I got a D on because of my lack of application of myself. I threw it in a closet at school and left it there not wanting to face it, or deal with it as me. In this instance I saw myself as a failure. I did not want to accept myself as a failure and I hid the evidence of myself within/as being a failure so that I would not have to face it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative charge to the word failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a failure as less than instead of realizing that within/as failure I have room to grow and to understand why/how I failed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of being a failure within/as homework not allowing myself to approach homework from a fresh and clear starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as fear of being a failure within/as the education system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure within//as the definition of permanence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing myself within/as my own definition of myself as a failure

Pushing Past Fears

An interesting point occurred a few days ago and that was myself pushing out a fear within me. I was fearing asking of suggesting a consideration of an agreement with me. The thought came up and before when this thought came up I ignored it and suppressed it with/as the fear but that day it was interesting! I felt that fear and saw the thought but this time I oculd not ignore it each time I recognized the thought I pushed it up within me further and further. It was very cool, it felt as I was going to vomit the fear through expressing it within words. There was still fear but I was not giving into it, through the Self forgiveness and self corrective statements that I was doing within the DesteniIprocess ( http://desteniiprocess.com ) I was able to see the ridiculousness of the fear. Doing the SF and SC didn’t mean that it would magically disappear, it meant that I am able to see the points in which I am accepting that are delusional and to remove those points to move past the delusion so I can see what is real! So I say the delusion in fearing her reaction and fearing myself not being able to handle the situation and I pushed that point out of me. I said fuck a few times before I spit it out because I knew that it was coming out and I was not going to ignore it and suppress it. I was in that time trying to find an `acceptable` way to approach the subject but again it was coming up and I said fuck it and spit it out in the way that I did. There was no `acceptable` way to approach it so I simply said what I needed to say. It was a `no go` and that is fine, there was no reaction towards it I simply stayed the same. There was no want or desire within asking about a consideration of the agreement it was a simply a question that had no answer yet, as well there was no expectation so within that I was moving with the moment not trying to create an outcome based on my desires or expectations.


Within the same day I felt an inferiority towards another person and I was possessed by this and was afraid of exposing the point to the person. I held back for quite a while trying to ignore it but the backchat was persistent and I was not stopping it. So in a moment I did not think at all and just said I felt inferior to him and explained a bit why. There was no thoughts but again the fact that I vomited up the fear was cool. I was not even conscious of the fact that I decided to move on that point meaning the decision came from no thoughts, I just moved on that point. I was just about to go out for a smoke and as I stood up I spoke the words “I feel inferior to you” I exposed this point because it was bugging me I wrote SF on it and SC but it persisted and from the past when I have been possessed by this I have bluntly exposed it and it disappeared so I did the same thing and it did disappear we started to communicate more and share, because before we were quite silent towards eachother not talking or communicating about points. There was another point to that I was afraid of exposing and that was a point of jealousy. I was afraid of exposing that point to him because I knew it was nasty and did not want to expose that so I was quite hesitant about exposing the point many times I was about to push it out but held it in. Eventually again I pushed that fear out and exposed the point of jealousy to get it clear and expose it and again there was more of a communication.

I was stopping the communication within the physical through communicating to myself within backchatting and within bringing out the backchatting thus removing the `conversation` from the mind and bringing into the physical

The Self forgiveness and Self corrective statements that I have applied since doing the DesteniIprocess has been significant as the points have een coming out and I have been pushing them out when I would have suppressed them.

Investigate and consider the Desteni I process to remove fears and realize things actually are in this reality http://desteniiprocess.com As well Investigate an Equal Money System as the solution to humanity http://equalmoney.org

Change in Experience of myself.

Apr 12th 2011


A few days ago I cut my finger open and had to get stitches. This was an interesting experience. Starting off I was opening a bike lock that I bought because my old one broke because we have invested shit into shit thus making more shit, so the bike lock was shit simply. The bike lock that I bought had cable ties holdoing it in place and I was using a knife to cut it open. I got the first cable tie open and as I ut the second one the force that I was using continued through right into my finger. So I immediate dropped everything and started to run water on it. The pain was interesting, it didn’t hurt to the point I could not stand it, but it was still very prominent. So I ran water and my mom said to apply pressure and got me a towel to do so, and I did so. I was standing over the sink for a bit jut resting there, I put my head down on my arm to rest more, my mom told me to go sit down, when I told her I will do what I want. We cracked up in that moment bursting into laughter because it was an unexpected remark. I said this because in the past people have told me to do things that simply I was not ready for or wanted to do and would come to a point of passing out if I pushed myself to do something that someone wanted me to do or thought I should do and was not ready, so the words I will do what I want was a reaction to being told what to do, and I was not ready. So I layed there for a bit by the sink and rested holding it and once I caught my breath and started to focus then I sat down.

In the clinic I was waiting to be called. I was fine with taking care of myself and directing the situation for myself. So I let my mom walk out and go shopping, I let her entertain herself not needing her to be by my side. When the nurse had a look att my finger another nurse came and said did he beat the girl from yesterday to which Ithought `WTF I did not hit any girl causing this` and I realized that it was thus a competition point meaning that a girl came in yesterday who had to get stitches for her finger and thus I then hoped that I would win in that case. I never found out, but a fucked up point none the less. I noticed this a few times throughout my life where me and others will compete with having the worst injury as if we are proud of making through it but that doesn’t matter as none of us will survive death.

I got into the doctors office and there was a needle sitting there and I was imaging it being put into the tip of my finger and the pain that would occur from that I started to fear the that pain. Since doing the ITD course on fears I forgave that fear and was looking at that fear. And simply I would have to feel that pain, there was no `escaping` it. So I realized that I had to go through pain simply and had to face that pain. The needle went into the base of my finger to numb the finger, and the pain was not as bad as I thought it was, in fact it was cool. It did not hurt worse then a `bad` needle being injected into my stomach while doing insulin. A bad needle would be one that does not go in properly and somewhat sticks and I have to push it through. So the pain was and it was not that bad, the cool part was the fact that they called it a ring block, and as he was injecting it I could feel a pressure surrounding my finger exactly like a ring.

While having the stitches in I was talking to the doctor about the election. In that moment I realized that I simply struck up conversation with a stranger about a topic that was interesting to me. I did not question about what to say or what his interests were or anything like that, nor feared about speaking to him. I simply asked him if he watched the news and went from there. It is simple to speak to people without fear, and the only thing that would limit me would be the fear of speaking. I enjoyed speaking to him and gathering a perspective from a person in the medical industry, where he too was glad to get off work when the time permitted, just like anyone else. He did not enjoy his job but did It for the money. I talked to the nurse afterwards about diabetes, and again no fear no insecurity just simple talking. We were talking about life and she said a cool thing where her relative got diagnosed with diabetes at age 80 and she said why would you want to live 5 years unhappily instead of living 2 years happily enjoying chocolate cake. This I found as an awesome perspective, because we are all fearing death trying to live as long as possible with no joy in life. So why at the end of ones life try and keep it going unhappily when death is just around the corner. Why not enjoy yourself with some chocolate cake?

I write this because in the past I would have feared about what to do, about how to handle the situation, but through participating in desteni and the Desteni I process I have been abele to take responsibility for myself and remove some fears. I mean sure I could have complained about this situation but I did it to myself, no one to blame, and I am fine. I took directive responsibility within it and I enjoyed this, no negative emotion. I did not fear not working that night through money, I did not beat up on myself for creating this, I just went through it doing what I needed to do, all things that I have learnt to develop through participating in the Desteni I process, and Desteni. The change in experience of myself is quite cool.

http://desteniiprocess.com