Monday, January 2, 2012

Who I am within/as Homework

I have recently built up a fear and resistance to doing my English assignment. I would attempt to start working on it and complete the assignment and I would start to fear my application of myself within/as the assignment and the grade that I may achieve. I built up this fear to the point where I would immediately judge myself as inferior to my English assignment, projecting myself within/as the grade and defining myself within/as the grade that I may or may not get, effectively stopping myself from even attempting to complete the assignment.

One day I simply started to do it. The fear, the inferiority, the projections were all there yet I did not pay attention to them. I bypassed the fears and projections and through bypassing them I placed myself here and started to work on the assignment. I placed the point as 1+1=2, meaning I must first re-read what I previously wrote to understand the context I was creating for my assignment, then I must further create the context to support my thesis, I must then start the body paragraph etcetera. Through placing my actions within the physical reality and then doing them I did not give any attention to the fears and inferiorities that I felt at that moment and thus was not hindered or subject to them. I breathed looked past my emotions and looked at what practically physically I have to do to achieve my goal, and within this it is easy to see how emotions affect our seeing of the physical reality = placing physical actions into skewed perceptions of the actions of/as ourselves believing to be more or less than said physical action instead of equalizing ourselves to the physical action and then DOING IT lol.

The belief of what I was doing as more than me and the fear tied to the belief of being less than + me accepting that as real was hindering me from me getting me to simply do the assignment. Through breathing I stepped out of the emotions and fears and was able to direct myself here physically. The fears and inferiorities still exist to an extent but it is much easier to move past them and get myself doing the work, as I know that the fears and beliefs are not real and I simply move past them to doing the work = I give little attention to the fears when they arise. I acknowledge that they are there but give no further consideration towards them.

Looking at myself doing the English homework, I believed myself to be something in regards to the English homework instead of myself here in stability. I would have normally done the homework and let it go at that, but in order to stop my fears and to make sure that I wrote clearly and coherently I had to re-read my essay and fix up the corrections = I had to face my fear in/as who I was within/as homework. I have always feared revising my work due to finding a plethora of `mistakes` and wanting to uphold a belief of myself as being perfect, so re-reading my essay and finding and correcting the mistakes was supporting as well, because I actually gave myself the chance to correct the mistakes while still applicable, meaning I did not hand it in yet, thus it is not set in stone. If I were to follow what I would normally do, I would have handed it in without facing myself within/as my work and most likely manifested my fears of getting a lower grade than I would attempt for. So again I moved through a little part of the fear of being a failure and making mistakes through/as re-reading my English assignment and correcting the mistakes that I found, making the essay coherent and comprehensible allowing myself to get a better grade. 

The main memory that pops up in relation to this build up of fear is in grade four my first assignment that I had to do outside of school I got a D on because of my lack of application of myself. I threw it in a closet at school and left it there not wanting to face it, or deal with it as me. In this instance I saw myself as a failure. I did not want to accept myself as a failure and I hid the evidence of myself within/as being a failure so that I would not have to face it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative charge to the word failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a failure as less than instead of realizing that within/as failure I have room to grow and to understand why/how I failed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the fear of being a failure within/as homework not allowing myself to approach homework from a fresh and clear starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as fear of being a failure within/as the education system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure within//as the definition of permanence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing myself within/as my own definition of myself as a failure

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